Tag: transgender

Why video games have always been a part of my identity and self worth

I’ve always been a gamer. Some of my earliest childhood memories are playing video games with my family. Now when I say gamer I do go beyond just video games and include  board games, card games, tabletop games, role playing games and other types of games. I love gaming as an activity. But above all I thoroughly enjoy playing video games.

I’ve always struggled with my self identity. I’ve gone through phases where I thought I was a b-boy, artist, musician, DJ, photographer, writer, filmmaker and even gardener. Even before I had a word in my head for transgender I knew there was one aspect of my identity I never questioned, I was a gamer first and foremost.

It took me a while to realize the type of gamer I truly am. I say this because I don’t want to stereotype based on gender but I’ve come to realize I am transgender and I now know that by and large the games I enjoy are very much the types of games stereotypically enjoyed by females. I’ve thought maybe I was a retro gamer but then every once in a while a modern game would come along and get me excited. I thought maybe it was cinematic games I despised and then I would play a game that sucked me into the world depicted in ways even the most engaging book couldn’t.

I’ve always known I was drawn primarily towards Nintendo. Now that isn’t to say if you like Nintendo it makes you gay, or you are a girl. In fact I know plenty of cisgender straight males who love Nintendo. It also doesn’t feel fair to say that I only like the more feminine games in the companies library. What I can safely say is if I paired it down to the core, I could make a broad statement that I am a transgender gamer who prefers fun, lighthearted games, sometimes with a good story other times just good game play and other times chock full of action.

I think it’s safer to say I am a gamer who enjoys games that make me happy. I have always noticed when it comes to entertainment from music, television, books and even video games, with a few exceptions, I have always found myself attracted to things typically associated with feminism. That’s not to say that everyone who enjoys the same games I find myself enjoying is female, trans, gay or something similar. I think it just means that as I flesh out my identity I discover more about myself in the things I like. It helps me refine the things in my life I have struggled to define accurately in the past.

Why bring this up now? Why draw attention to it? Frankly, the more I learn about myself the easier it becomes for me to open up to people. It’s not like if someone asks me what type of games I enjoy I will say gay games. What I might say though is I am a trans gamer and leave it at that. Upon further examination I might just say play video games and not make it such a large part of my identity. Stay cool.

 

The T in the LGBT you probably overlooked

I recently listened to a podcast where the discussion centered on how trans people are often left out of the LGBT story by gay men and lesbians. It sounded like the individuals were struggling with accepting trans people as a part of the community.

I have to admit that for me, I always had a different perspective on this issue. For the longest time I was someone who was hiding from my feelings at the same time hiding those feelings from others. I did it out of fear, shame and disgust with myself. I was very young when I first started asking gender curious questions. It started out innocent, casually asking my sisters and other girls what they thought about certain things. It evolved into my watching trashy talk shows on TV whenever a cross-dresser, drag queen or trans person was on. At the time the term most often used was transvestite. This was the word Tim Curry used in the Trans-celebrated cult horror film The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I felt disgusted by the use of that term myself so I avoided it.

When I was a teenager I stumbled upon certain websites on the internet that were specifically designed to assist in ones discovery of sexual identity. After watching the movie Clerks the scene were they were talking about “chicks with dicks” I became curious and therefore did some further exploring.

I have to admit I struggled with finding my own identity partially because I was raised in small town Kansas. We were a church going family. Dad ended up becoming a Deacon in our church and mom taught Sunday school.

One thing I struggled with was finding how to accept what I was feeling while trying not to identify with the LGBT community. I knew I felt very similar to how I had read about trans people online claiming they felt, but I still didn’t want to be associated with that community. To me I remember when it was referred to just as the gay community then the queer community before they came up with LGBT. Even that has evolved to include more people but again I have to question are we arbitrarily drawing an us versus them line in the sand?

Shortly after coming out and seeking trans communities online I discovered the term TERF. I won’t actually get into that discussion here. Maybe sometime. But I realized even within the “community” there are divisions. This got me to thinking. What I wanted to question is are the lines really “binary” people versus “non-binary” people? I heard the term  breeders versus non breeders but even that feels off to me.

My initial struggle, which believe me I lost many nights of sleep over not to mention all the heartburn I dealt with, stemmed from trying to solve the issue of wanting to accept I was trans but also fitting that idea into the binary/breeder centered perspective of the Judeo-Christian view point. I was afraid to admit that being trans meant I did in fact have something in common with the queer community. I read an article that was written before my time where some so-called expert said transvestites (the term for transgender people at the time) were just homosexuals who were ashamed of their homosexuality. That perspective got stuck in my head and yes this is where I admit as a born again Christian I had an aversion to that some would call homophobic. I didn’t think that was how I intended it to be taken but I can honestly say I closed myself off to exploring things for the longest time.

The first time I watched the movie Chasing Amy I did so specifically knowing it was taboo. The whole film depicted a Lesbian woman who chose to be gay because she got bored with men and turned to women. By the end of the movie she had gone back to being in a heterosexual relationship with a heterosexual male, and back to lesbian again. By today’s standard it might not be considered woke enough for some. At the time it was revolutionary for people of my generation. It might have been somewhat misguided but it did get a lot of people interested in the community who otherwise might have been closed off.

It wasn’t until I cried at the end of Being John Malkovich I realized how pervasive my inner transwoman really was. From then on I tried looking for a way to be trans while fitting outside of the LGBT norm. In other words I wanted to be a woman but I didn’t want to be attracted to men but I also didn’t want to be a lesbian because that would also go against my Christian upbringing.

It took me attending an Anglican mass and having conversations with the priest about gender and sexuality that my view began to shift from the hetero normative Christian perspective. I have yet to define my sexuality as I have a way to go to settle that issue in my own mind. However, the more I think about it the more I wonder if the reason gay men and lesbian women might have a hard time accepting trans people as part of their community is because trans men and trans women themselves might also feel uncomfortable identifying with or being identified as a part of that community. Even online I gravitate to other trans people rather than openly connecting with individuals from the whole rainbow spectrum. I met a non binary person recently and immediately  became friends. They identified as non binary and requested I use they/them pronouns when referring to them. It was tricky but I found it was easier for me to befriend them than it had been in the past befriending lesbians. I can say I had friends who were lesbian and some who were gay. I think in a way in my own mind I could understand lesbian or bisexual women but was still struggling with gay men.

Now that I am Catholic my view on God and Jesus has evolved. I see God as more loving and compassionate from the Catholic perspective than I did being raised in the very harsh, judgmental and always angry vengeful God the protestant perspective presented. It made sense to me that God would hate people who defied his creation because that was what I was told. Now to be fair the Catholic Church is not at all more accepting of LGBT or non binary people as some protestant churches. The difference, at least from how I was raised, is I discovered a compassionate God who understands we are flawed but loves us enough to guide us through life. I stopped seeing a hateful, vengeful God looking to swat us like flies for stepping out of line. I still believe in Hell, Heaven and eternal consequences of our actions. I just think some things I had been told were sin are probably not as cut and dry as some made me believe. I also believe that God’s mercy might be more obtainable than I had been led to believe. I was raised thinking rock n roll music was satanic and Pokemon was evil.

It took me attending my first Pride event last summer and mingling with all the different people before I realized there really is a sort of kinship between the various subgroups. I don’t like the us versus them mentality that labeling people creates. I am wondering if maybe it is time to redefine the whole concept of an LGBTQIA+ community? In an attempt to be more inclusive I wonder where do we draw the line? If you basically broaden it to include every person that isn’t heterosexual it sounds an awful lot like an us versus them line in the sand. Something that I think might be what is holding us back. In a way we need to all accept each other as human beings. I could be wrong. What I do know is I am trying to grow as a person.

I would be curious to get the perspective from others. Should trans people be included in the LGBT community or do we have the right to exist in our own spectrum of the rainbow? Is it inclusive to lump trans people in with the gay and lesbians or is it separate? I’ve been told gender and sexuality are not necessarily tied. There are cisgender gay men, cisgender lesbian women, transgender gay men and transgender lesbian women. Maybe it’s time we separate the LGB from the TQIA? What I mean by that is if we are to continue pushing the idea gender and sexuality are separate is it destructive or harmful for us to lump everyone together that isn’t hetero-binary? If gender and sexuality are different than trans and LGB aren’t really that connected anyways, are they? Or does it all go back to what we fight against? Are transgender women/transmen just homosexuals who cling to a gender stereotype that fits them into the binary hetero sexual world? Or are we allowed to buck the stereotypes? Can a transwoman be a lesbian tomboy and still be considered trans?

Why sex is partially to blame for Transphobia

Men are pigs. It’s a saying made famous recently by Tim Allen and his popular stand up comedy series turned prime time TV sitcom a few decades ago. I grew up watching TV shows that reinforced a stereotypical, societally approved gender norm. Men want one thing, as Lauren Hill said, and we all know they will do anything to get it, including lying, cheating and breaking girls hearts.

Sex is the at the crux of why some men, especially those who have been brainwashed into conforming to the toxic masculinity our society glorifies. They see women as objects not equals. Inferior creatures to be adored, admired and sexualized. The problem is transgender women challenges their conventions. Even well-meaning guys who treat women right and are openly accepting to homosexual men often will cringe at the sight, or even mere mention of a transwoman. But why?

It comes down to sex. They see women as sex objects. So to them, a cisgender female is available for sex. A Bi-sexual cisgendered female could be available for sex. They know, in their minds a cisgendered lesbian is off limits, but still tantalizing in some respects so they can put those images in their mind and make sense of it. But a transgender woman defies that. She might look like a woman, have breasts, wear the right clothes, be sexually attractive but once he learns she has a penis, or used to have a penis, he is revolted by the idea of her, because she is not available for sex in his mind. So, he might accept homosexual guys as perfectly normal but he sees them as unavailable for sex because he is hetero himself.

This makes our struggle extra hard because even those who can fit bi, gay and lesbian concepts into their brains, and I’ll say that’s a start for sure, yet they see transwomen as unavailable sexually. Their eyes see a transwoman and they think bonable but then they think of her as a man in a dress and it confuses them. I get that somewhat, it was confusing for me.

I am not excusing this behavior. I am just pointing out I get it, I have observed it.

So then how do you fix it? How do you tell a man who is cisgendered and heterosexual that a transgender woman is not something to be afraid of? You start by reminding him that we’re women. But then you remind him that women are PEOPLE, not sex objects. See, they have to get out of their head the mentality of looking at a woman, trans or otherwise, and immediately summer her up sexually. It goes back to just seeing women as people, equals even. That is the first step in overcoming transphobia.

As a single gal who has spent her life looking for a female sexual partner while simultaneously pushing her own transgender feelings deep down inside, I can assure you my experiences are admittedly limited. I wish that wasn’t the case. I have had plenty of time to explore various scenarios in my mind. And I have had more than enough time to consider my feminine feelings. The truth is I just haven’t had the guts to admit the truth to myself, let alone share it with others. Being vulnerable is a decidedly feminine trait in our society. As someone who has been living as a male in a male-centric society I have  had to cope with my own insecurities as it relates to my femininity.

I sure as hell don’t believe for one second I have all the answers. What I can say is men are pigs and I am so glad I am finally getting on the path distance myself from that life. #StayCool.

5 Things that make being trans difficult

Each week I get on social media and I connect with lovely trans people from all over the world. We all tend to have a lot in common but the one thing we share the most is how incredibly difficult it is for us to live our lives the way we wish to.

I am working on writing an article interviewing a number of trans women hoping to share their stories. In the meantime I thought I would share five things that makes being trans more difficult than you might think.

 

1. Periods

Okay no transwomen do not technically get a physical menstrual cycle like cis gender biological females do. But it’s not to say we don’t long to share the experience that defines our cis sisters. In fact despite all the negative that comes with it i.e. mood swing, cramps, bleeding, etc., the fact women have the amazing power to create life is something many trans women, myself included, long for. It is the one thing we can’t do. It’s not that I want to experience having a period for the sake of it. It’s more like I just truly want to be a whole woman as much as anyone else and the idea of being able to create a baby is something I totally wish I could do.

2. Makeup

Every woman has to worry about her looks. Transwomen have to worry even more so because we’re not just under the same pressure as cis women to be pretty. We’re also under additional pressure from ourselves, men and other women to pass. Meaning one of our goals is to be accepted as a woman. That means when someone sees you they automatically assume you are a woman and address you appropriately. This means we have to work extra hard at doing makeup. Also, for many of us it’s something we had to learn on our own in secret. It is painful for your trans girlfriends to ask you for makeup advice but if you have the capacity to be kind and help them please do so. She isn’t trying to take something away from you she just wants to share in something you learned as a child.

3. Dating

If you think dating is hard for even binary homosexuals, even more so than straight people, it’s extra difficult for trans people. Our options are extremely limited. There are cis gendered lesbians who do not want a girl with boy parts. There are cis gendered hetero males that don’t want a girl with boy parts. Then there are homo sexual males that don’t mind the boy parts but want a less feminine person. Finding someone who is compatible spiritually, physically and sexually is a big challenge. For most of us we navigate life utterly alone while some compromise who they are just to settle for anyone they can get. I don’t want to have to settle. I want someone that will accept me for me and be attracted to me as I am not someone that will say okay I can live with X Y and Z but you need to scale back on the Z and maybe emphasize the Y more. No. I am who I am deal with it.

4. Sex

If dating is hard imagine how much harder it is to find a compatible sexual partner. I mean you have to be compatible on all the other levels before you even get to sex. But it’s a trick. You have to consider what you are attracted to but also what the other person’s needs are. Then there is the reality. Trans women don’t always have the stuff they want to do the deeds the way they want. Some are okay with having male junk. Others not so much. But either way even if you want the surgery necessary to under natures mistake, it’s not easy it isn’t cheap and above all it requires years of invasive therapy and other crap that frankly nobody should have to put up with.

5. Shopping for clothes

I saved this for last because it’s actually the hardest thing. Dating can be done online. Periods we can live without until science catches up. Sex, well we have alternative options if we are so inclined and makeup we have YouTube stars like Stef Sanjati to show us how it’s done. But shopping for clothes as a trans woman is a nightmare. Many times we end up chickening out and buying stuff online that frankly never fits. We can’t always find a female to accompany us to the store to do it properly. Not to mention the utter dread of trying things on in a public dressing room! Oh the horror. Sure I can when needed muster the courage to push my shopping cart into the woman’s aisle and grab the first dress or blouse I see that looks pretty and might fit, rush to the checkout and head out the door. But it’s often a very anxiety filled experience that leaves me panting all the way to the car. It would be so much easier if we could talk our cis gender allies into taking us clothes shopping even once in a while. Some trans ladies have this, others do not. Myself, unfortunately I am pretty much stuck doing what I can with my limited options.

These are just a few things trans women have to deal with. I know trans men also have their own issues, those pesky periods are a little more troublesome I imagine to them. Yet society seems to have an acceptable place for them, the word is tomboy. For some reason women of all shapes and sizes can shop for men’s clothes no questions asked. If they don’t like makeup they can get away with little to none. But a trans woman has a number of issues not to mention the same overly sexually aggressive perverts all women have to put up with. Only ours can be a little more physically aggressive if they discover things aren’t want they seem.

I imagine trans men have their own issues and I would love to visit with more of them to get their perspective. I had a friend once that was but we fell apart. Let me know if you have experienced any of these anxieties. Or if you are an ally what do you do to help your trans sisters out?

Why it isn’t that easy to define non binary folks in binary terms

Reach down your pants and see what you have, that is all it takes to decide if you are a boy or a girl.

How many times have you heard a similar line thrown your way? If you are trans gender, bi sexual, pan sexual or gender queer chances are you have heard someone in your life make a similar statement.

Last night I was watching an episode of That 70s Show. It was season 1, Eric’s Buddy. This was always one of my favorite episodes as it helped illustrate how confusing it can be to have non-standard non-binary feelings.

In the episode the main character, Eric Foreman, befriends a rich kid named Buddy who is is lab partner for a science class. During the course of the episode it is revealed Buddy is actually gay and interested in Eric romantically. Following a moment involving a kiss Eric clearly rejected, the two friends have a slightly awkward conversation about why he chose Eric and it quickly moves back into comedy territory. The moment was brief and the episode certainly wasn’t ground breaking by any stretch. It presented being gay as somewhat normal behavior but in the context of the decade it was taking place there was an obvious treatment of it being abnormal. Later in the episode the character Steven Hyde even uses the phrase “love that dare not speak its name” when referring to homosexual tendencies. It was one of those episodes when I was younger I thought oh cool they normalized this is a way I can relate but also stayed true to the time period.

Looking back on it I think episodes like this had a positive impact on my experiences where as someone who was more out in the open during that time might not have seen it the same as I had. I remained firmly in the closet until less than a year ago. It opened up slightly to some extent to a very small group of people over the years but it wasn’t until attending a pride event I decide to tackle my own issues head on. Up to that point I had shrugged it off as something inside of me I could never act upon.

The more I am confronted with figuring out what my trued self is the more I wish I could just tell people I don’t know and I don’t want to figure it out. Maybe part of that falls on me. It could be that I struggle to find where I fit in the binary world while accepting I am not quite fully binary in nature. I know from a Christian perspective this is difficult to consider. However, I found that what works best for me is saying I consider myself gender fluid these days. Some days I wake up more feminine feeling than others. Some days I wake up fully masculine. Other days I want to be some where in the middle.

This has come up as I began to develop the Retro Witch character. A part of me wants to present her as female. A small part of me wants to present her as more of a shemale, the old stereotypical transvestite. In other words, male presenting as female but not fully female. I think trans women face the same cultural pressures as cis women to be sexually appealing to society. Because women have to place so much of their identity on their outward sexuality it makes it hard for a tranny to say I want to wear panties and dresses but not shave my beard.

I want to be a woman internally but I don’t need to do so in a way that satisfies your sexual fantasies about me. The first time a guy commented on a YouTube video of mine, presenting as female, about my sexual desireability I felt very akward. I didn’t put on a dress, wig and makeup for men to find me attractive. I do it because it feels right. It makes me feel right. That is, when the mood strikes. There are times when jeans and a t-shirt feels right. I would rather not be defined by the clothes I wear, the way I do my hair or even the music I listen to. I would rather be defined by my personality and my value as a person.

I think this is a big part of why I have such a hard time making friends. I have so little self esteem because I see myself as invaluable to the human condition. I am no binary which means I am also not a breeder. I don’t express my sexuality in a way conducive to procreation, something quite contrary to my Catholic faith.

I cling to the word transgender, internally calling myself tranny for short or queer girl in my mind. I do this not in a self loathing or deprecating way but as a way to define myself in the context of the societal norm. I read a story about how this new super hero movie celebrates its bisexual character and the comments are all negatively attacking the so-called Hollywood agenda to push the gays onto the world. I get sick of being told we are pushing outselves onto the world when it is quite literally the other way around. All I want, I don’t speak for all non binary queer folks, but all *I* want is to live my life and not be told I am doing it wrong. Let me decide what works for me and you do what works for you. I get there are people who hate change. There are people who hate for the sake of hating. There are those who use their religion to justify hating. As for me, I just wish those people would leave me alone and let me figure it out for myself. What is it hurting YOU if I decide to be gay, bi or whatever else?

OMG I made my first public debut!

It was scary and thrilling at the same time. I put on my make up, dress and cute witches hat, sat down and recorded an entire episode of my podcast not as him but as me. It was hard. It was exciting. It was fun!

I knew someday Stephanie was going to be out. I don’t know if she will ever get to take over our life but I want to ensure she gets to be herself more than ever before. It hasn’t been easy for me getting to this point. In fact it’s been extremely tumultuous. No agonizing. No, oh there probably isn’t a word for it. Is there a word for this feeling you have doing the absolutely most terrifying soul-crushing thing that is at the same time the most liberating and soul-freeing? I don’t know whatever that word is, that’s how I felt.

I made my first full public appearance in drag on The Dark Web Podcast. I told my audience Stephanie was coming a few weeks ago. I said she is real, she is me, but she is shy. I finally began making strides towards this about a year and a half ago when I came out officially to a female friend of mine. I decided I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Ever since that day I have been slowing giving in to being more and more Stephanie each day.

I finally got to wear I am comfortable enough painting my toe nails and wearing my flip flops sans socks in public. I’ve done that two weeks in a row now and pushed past the gut-wrenching fear. I’ve slowly begun getting used to clothes shopping, although when it comes to under things well I am still overly discrete. Dresses, blouses and even skirts I can grab without too much agony but panties and bras, well I still have a ways to go.

Things are improving. But last night I sat in front of the camera and was doing so, for the first time, comfortable in my skin, comfortable with who I am and who I’ve always wanted to be.

I will be defining more what the limits of Stephanie are in the coming days and weeks. I suspect I will set some boundaries but there is a very real chance, well now that she is out she isn’t going back in so there is a chance I let her live a little and take a back seat for a while.

If this sounds confusing trust me it is for me too. It’s not like she is a voice inside my head or a separate person or anything like that. She is me, I am her. But, well I’ve had to live a certain lie, build a life around a mask. Therefore Stephanie has a right to live, and she will! But The Rat also has to manage thing for her out of necessity for the time being.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffVemmSPh2Q

Anyways, hey check out my video where I am totally rocking that cute dress I spent all friggin day shopping for. Stay Cool.

Displaying painted nails in public, a personal breakthrough

I will keep this short and sweet. Saturday afternoon I drove to town on three different occasions wearing flip flops without socks. This isn’t a particularly out of the ordinary thing for me, except I had previously painted my toe nails purple and decided I wasn’t hiding it anymore.

It was a little awkward walking around town displaying my painted toes. I tried to hide them by curling my toes everywhere but by the time I got to the third store I had stopped doing this. I decided I wasn’t looking at other people’s feet, why would they be looking at mine? Well that was how I got through it. I even walked over to my sisters house that same day still displaying my painted nails. It was a small breakthrough for me. Consider it a minor victory for Stephanie Bri. Stay Cool.