How I lost my virginity to a broom stick

It’s fucking Pride month and you know what that means? It means there are LGBTQ+ people young and old about to start making themselves visible in ways we don’t do year round. Some of us have the distinct pleasure, if you can call it that, of living our authentic lives. At the same time there are others in the community who don’t have that luxury. Whether you see Pride as a protest, a celebration or a mixture of both, there is one thing we can ALL agree on and it’s about being more visible. That is why this year I am going to commit to writing very deeply personal blogs digging into my own sexuality. My sister Robin will tell you I am kinda repressed in a lot of ways, sexually speaking. So you know this is not easy for me to share. But fuck it, this has to be done, it has to be shared.

When I say I am a virgin that is technically true in the purest sense. Meaning I have never had traditional sexual intercourse with another human being, this includes penetrative and non penetrative forms of genital exposure. But that doesn’t mean I have never experienced an orgasm. Nor does it mean I have never had a sexual experience with another human being.

I won’t share the details but I have had and have given hand jobs. I have given oral sex to a former partner at least once. And yes I have done the nasty all by my lonesome oh so many times. Yes that is all true. I have also had a lot of anal penetration over the years. No, sadly, not with a partner. But that doesn’t completely diminish my experiences.

I won’t divulge the first time I inserted an object into my anus with the intention of seeing how it felt. I will say it was around the same time I started questioning my gender identity so if you know anything about me at all that should give you some clues. I will also not be sharing every, well, thing, I have tried. That is both private and well frankly not something I care to share at this time.

I will describe my first orgasm though, and I will be honest it did not involve my genitals.

I was 12 years old. I hadn’t even discovered my junk could get hard yet let alone learned what comes next. I had already explored my anal cavity with various “toys” and things in an attempt to see what felt good. Spoiler alert it pretty much all did. At 12 years old, before I had my first ejaculatory emission I found myself in a literal closet, in my bedroom door closed, locked, front door to the house locked, radio up, TV on in my bedroom to drown out the noise. I took a screwdriver handle and went to town. It didn’t take long before I found the sweet spot and holy fucking shit that was all it took. I never told anyone this but I basically tried everything from there discovering what I liked, what I didn’t and figuring out what my limits were. That first time was, masturbatory for sure but it was also, well messy so it was short experience.

I spent the next few years, yes years, basically finding anything I could that would fit comfortably in me that I could keep there for a casual reminder I was different than everyone else. I am not going to lie here I kept pencils, pens, markers and other similar items handy just in case. I was always wearing women’s or girls panties so it was just another thing I had to hide.

When I say I “lost my virginity” to a broomstick that is not entirely accurate. The headline is eye catching but it’s not far from the truth. I literally got screwed by a screwdriver on more than one occasion. By the time I was 15 I had already begun the horror that was teenage “male” puberty so I had discovered another form of masturbating that included the use of said genitals. Now by this time I had also done some heavy petting with at least two girls so I was still figuring out what I liked.

It was right after I turned 16. I was staying home from school after I had dropped out. I was running around the house in a swimming suit I “borrowed” and found myself blasting “Work Baby Work” by the Quad City DJ’s. The song certainly turned me on in a weird way no other song had before. I had played with hair brushes, and other similar items plenty of times up to that point, But today was different. This day I took a broom handle into the bathroom, filled the tub with warm water and bubbles, slid things into place and Holy. Fucking. Shit. I know I had an orgasm because I shook violently. I experienced a sensation I had never felt before. After I exhausted myself from the most pleasurable penetration I have ever experienced I grabbed the little guy, finished the deed and drained the tub. I cleaned myself off, put the items I borrowed away, returning the broom to it’s designated place. Then I went to my bedroom and cried. Then prayed. I begged God to forgive me for sinning. I wasn’t sure what I had done that was a sin, I just knew it felt so damn good it had to be a sin. It was only the first, far, far from the last.

I never told anyone this but yes I would make excuses to stay home, alone, as often as I could. Not just to spend as much girl time as I could, ya know as I explored my femininity. But I also couldn’t wait to get under a bed, in a closet or even into a bathtub to try again. I quickly learned I had far more greater sexual experiences when anal was either involved, or the main focus of my explorations.

I write this, now, because Pride Month is all about telling the world people like me exist and our sexual desires might be different from theirs, they are just as valid and just as important to us as theirs are to them. I don’t know if I would enjoy being penetrated by an actual penis attached to a man, but I do know I have at least learned could accommodate one should that situation arise. I also know, from experience, that I can fit an anatomically accurate facsimile too. I share this because I don’t believe I am a pervert or a sinner for having these feelings or enjoying a sexual experience that differs from the hetero norm. I also share this because fuck it, Pride is all about pushing boundaries and what better way to do that then talking about gay sex, even if it’s masturbatory in nature. I say rub, suck, jab or fuck whatever it is that gets you where you need to go. At the end of the day be you. Stay Cool and Happy Pride~

The T in the LGBT you probably overlooked

I recently listened to a podcast where the discussion centered on how trans people are often left out of the LGBT story by gay men and lesbians. It sounded like the individuals were struggling with accepting trans people as a part of the community.

I have to admit that for me, I always had a different perspective on this issue. For the longest time I was someone who was hiding from my feelings at the same time hiding those feelings from others. I did it out of fear, shame and disgust with myself. I was very young when I first started asking gender curious questions. It started out innocent, casually asking my sisters and other girls what they thought about certain things. It evolved into my watching trashy talk shows on TV whenever a cross-dresser, drag queen or trans person was on. At the time the term most often used was transvestite. This was the word Tim Curry used in the Trans-celebrated cult horror film The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I felt disgusted by the use of that term myself so I avoided it.

When I was a teenager I stumbled upon certain websites on the internet that were specifically designed to assist in ones discovery of sexual identity. After watching the movie Clerks the scene were they were talking about “chicks with dicks” I became curious and therefore did some further exploring.

I have to admit I struggled with finding my own identity partially because I was raised in small town Kansas. We were a church going family. Dad ended up becoming a Deacon in our church and mom taught Sunday school.

One thing I struggled with was finding how to accept what I was feeling while trying not to identify with the LGBT community. I knew I felt very similar to how I had read about trans people online claiming they felt, but I still didn’t want to be associated with that community. To me I remember when it was referred to just as the gay community then the queer community before they came up with LGBT. Even that has evolved to include more people but again I have to question are we arbitrarily drawing an us versus them line in the sand?

Shortly after coming out and seeking trans communities online I discovered the term TERF. I won’t actually get into that discussion here. Maybe sometime. But I realized even within the “community” there are divisions. This got me to thinking. What I wanted to question is are the lines really “binary” people versus “non-binary” people? I heard the term  breeders versus non breeders but even that feels off to me.

My initial struggle, which believe me I lost many nights of sleep over not to mention all the heartburn I dealt with, stemmed from trying to solve the issue of wanting to accept I was trans but also fitting that idea into the binary/breeder centered perspective of the Judeo-Christian view point. I was afraid to admit that being trans meant I did in fact have something in common with the queer community. I read an article that was written before my time where some so-called expert said transvestites (the term for transgender people at the time) were just homosexuals who were ashamed of their homosexuality. That perspective got stuck in my head and yes this is where I admit as a born again Christian I had an aversion to that some would call homophobic. I didn’t think that was how I intended it to be taken but I can honestly say I closed myself off to exploring things for the longest time.

The first time I watched the movie Chasing Amy I did so specifically knowing it was taboo. The whole film depicted a Lesbian woman who chose to be gay because she got bored with men and turned to women. By the end of the movie she had gone back to being in a heterosexual relationship with a heterosexual male, and back to lesbian again. By today’s standard it might not be considered woke enough for some. At the time it was revolutionary for people of my generation. It might have been somewhat misguided but it did get a lot of people interested in the community who otherwise might have been closed off.

It wasn’t until I cried at the end of Being John Malkovich I realized how pervasive my inner transwoman really was. From then on I tried looking for a way to be trans while fitting outside of the LGBT norm. In other words I wanted to be a woman but I didn’t want to be attracted to men but I also didn’t want to be a lesbian because that would also go against my Christian upbringing.

It took me attending an Anglican mass and having conversations with the priest about gender and sexuality that my view began to shift from the hetero normative Christian perspective. I have yet to define my sexuality as I have a way to go to settle that issue in my own mind. However, the more I think about it the more I wonder if the reason gay men and lesbian women might have a hard time accepting trans people as part of their community is because trans men and trans women themselves might also feel uncomfortable identifying with or being identified as a part of that community. Even online I gravitate to other trans people rather than openly connecting with individuals from the whole rainbow spectrum. I met a non binary person recently and immediately  became friends. They identified as non binary and requested I use they/them pronouns when referring to them. It was tricky but I found it was easier for me to befriend them than it had been in the past befriending lesbians. I can say I had friends who were lesbian and some who were gay. I think in a way in my own mind I could understand lesbian or bisexual women but was still struggling with gay men.

Now that I am Catholic my view on God and Jesus has evolved. I see God as more loving and compassionate from the Catholic perspective than I did being raised in the very harsh, judgmental and always angry vengeful God the protestant perspective presented. It made sense to me that God would hate people who defied his creation because that was what I was told. Now to be fair the Catholic Church is not at all more accepting of LGBT or non binary people as some protestant churches. The difference, at least from how I was raised, is I discovered a compassionate God who understands we are flawed but loves us enough to guide us through life. I stopped seeing a hateful, vengeful God looking to swat us like flies for stepping out of line. I still believe in Hell, Heaven and eternal consequences of our actions. I just think some things I had been told were sin are probably not as cut and dry as some made me believe. I also believe that God’s mercy might be more obtainable than I had been led to believe. I was raised thinking rock n roll music was satanic and Pokemon was evil.

It took me attending my first Pride event last summer and mingling with all the different people before I realized there really is a sort of kinship between the various subgroups. I don’t like the us versus them mentality that labeling people creates. I am wondering if maybe it is time to redefine the whole concept of an LGBTQIA+ community? In an attempt to be more inclusive I wonder where do we draw the line? If you basically broaden it to include every person that isn’t heterosexual it sounds an awful lot like an us versus them line in the sand. Something that I think might be what is holding us back. In a way we need to all accept each other as human beings. I could be wrong. What I do know is I am trying to grow as a person.

I would be curious to get the perspective from others. Should trans people be included in the LGBT community or do we have the right to exist in our own spectrum of the rainbow? Is it inclusive to lump trans people in with the gay and lesbians or is it separate? I’ve been told gender and sexuality are not necessarily tied. There are cisgender gay men, cisgender lesbian women, transgender gay men and transgender lesbian women. Maybe it’s time we separate the LGB from the TQIA? What I mean by that is if we are to continue pushing the idea gender and sexuality are separate is it destructive or harmful for us to lump everyone together that isn’t hetero-binary? If gender and sexuality are different than trans and LGB aren’t really that connected anyways, are they? Or does it all go back to what we fight against? Are transgender women/transmen just homosexuals who cling to a gender stereotype that fits them into the binary hetero sexual world? Or are we allowed to buck the stereotypes? Can a transwoman be a lesbian tomboy and still be considered trans?

Why sex is partially to blame for Transphobia

Men are pigs. It’s a saying made famous recently by Tim Allen and his popular stand up comedy series turned prime time TV sitcom a few decades ago. I grew up watching TV shows that reinforced a stereotypical, societally approved gender norm. Men want one thing, as Lauren Hill said, and we all know they will do anything to get it, including lying, cheating and breaking girls hearts.

Sex is the at the crux of why some men, especially those who have been brainwashed into conforming to the toxic masculinity our society glorifies. They see women as objects not equals. Inferior creatures to be adored, admired and sexualized. The problem is transgender women challenges their conventions. Even well-meaning guys who treat women right and are openly accepting to homosexual men often will cringe at the sight, or even mere mention of a transwoman. But why?

It comes down to sex. They see women as sex objects. So to them, a cisgender female is available for sex. A Bi-sexual cisgendered female could be available for sex. They know, in their minds a cisgendered lesbian is off limits, but still tantalizing in some respects so they can put those images in their mind and make sense of it. But a transgender woman defies that. She might look like a woman, have breasts, wear the right clothes, be sexually attractive but once he learns she has a penis, or used to have a penis, he is revolted by the idea of her, because she is not available for sex in his mind. So, he might accept homosexual guys as perfectly normal but he sees them as unavailable for sex because he is hetero himself.

This makes our struggle extra hard because even those who can fit bi, gay and lesbian concepts into their brains, and I’ll say that’s a start for sure, yet they see transwomen as unavailable sexually. Their eyes see a transwoman and they think bonable but then they think of her as a man in a dress and it confuses them. I get that somewhat, it was confusing for me.

I am not excusing this behavior. I am just pointing out I get it, I have observed it.

So then how do you fix it? How do you tell a man who is cisgendered and heterosexual that a transgender woman is not something to be afraid of? You start by reminding him that we’re women. But then you remind him that women are PEOPLE, not sex objects. See, they have to get out of their head the mentality of looking at a woman, trans or otherwise, and immediately summer her up sexually. It goes back to just seeing women as people, equals even. That is the first step in overcoming transphobia.

As a single gal who has spent her life looking for a female sexual partner while simultaneously pushing her own transgender feelings deep down inside, I can assure you my experiences are admittedly limited. I wish that wasn’t the case. I have had plenty of time to explore various scenarios in my mind. And I have had more than enough time to consider my feminine feelings. The truth is I just haven’t had the guts to admit the truth to myself, let alone share it with others. Being vulnerable is a decidedly feminine trait in our society. As someone who has been living as a male in a male-centric society I have  had to cope with my own insecurities as it relates to my femininity.

I sure as hell don’t believe for one second I have all the answers. What I can say is men are pigs and I am so glad I am finally getting on the path distance myself from that life. #StayCool.

5 Things that make being trans difficult

Each week I get on social media and I connect with lovely trans people from all over the world. We all tend to have a lot in common but the one thing we share the most is how incredibly difficult it is for us to live our lives the way we wish to.

I am working on writing an article interviewing a number of trans women hoping to share their stories. In the meantime I thought I would share five things that makes being trans more difficult than you might think.

 

1. Periods

Okay no transwomen do not technically get a physical menstrual cycle like cis gender biological females do. But it’s not to say we don’t long to share the experience that defines our cis sisters. In fact despite all the negative that comes with it i.e. mood swing, cramps, bleeding, etc., the fact women have the amazing power to create life is something many trans women, myself included, long for. It is the one thing we can’t do. It’s not that I want to experience having a period for the sake of it. It’s more like I just truly want to be a whole woman as much as anyone else and the idea of being able to create a baby is something I totally wish I could do.

2. Makeup

Every woman has to worry about her looks. Transwomen have to worry even more so because we’re not just under the same pressure as cis women to be pretty. We’re also under additional pressure from ourselves, men and other women to pass. Meaning one of our goals is to be accepted as a woman. That means when someone sees you they automatically assume you are a woman and address you appropriately. This means we have to work extra hard at doing makeup. Also, for many of us it’s something we had to learn on our own in secret. It is painful for your trans girlfriends to ask you for makeup advice but if you have the capacity to be kind and help them please do so. She isn’t trying to take something away from you she just wants to share in something you learned as a child.

3. Dating

If you think dating is hard for even binary homosexuals, even more so than straight people, it’s extra difficult for trans people. Our options are extremely limited. There are cis gendered lesbians who do not want a girl with boy parts. There are cis gendered hetero males that don’t want a girl with boy parts. Then there are homo sexual males that don’t mind the boy parts but want a less feminine person. Finding someone who is compatible spiritually, physically and sexually is a big challenge. For most of us we navigate life utterly alone while some compromise who they are just to settle for anyone they can get. I don’t want to have to settle. I want someone that will accept me for me and be attracted to me as I am not someone that will say okay I can live with X Y and Z but you need to scale back on the Z and maybe emphasize the Y more. No. I am who I am deal with it.

4. Sex

If dating is hard imagine how much harder it is to find a compatible sexual partner. I mean you have to be compatible on all the other levels before you even get to sex. But it’s a trick. You have to consider what you are attracted to but also what the other person’s needs are. Then there is the reality. Trans women don’t always have the stuff they want to do the deeds the way they want. Some are okay with having male junk. Others not so much. But either way even if you want the surgery necessary to under natures mistake, it’s not easy it isn’t cheap and above all it requires years of invasive therapy and other crap that frankly nobody should have to put up with.

5. Shopping for clothes

I saved this for last because it’s actually the hardest thing. Dating can be done online. Periods we can live without until science catches up. Sex, well we have alternative options if we are so inclined and makeup we have YouTube stars like Stef Sanjati to show us how it’s done. But shopping for clothes as a trans woman is a nightmare. Many times we end up chickening out and buying stuff online that frankly never fits. We can’t always find a female to accompany us to the store to do it properly. Not to mention the utter dread of trying things on in a public dressing room! Oh the horror. Sure I can when needed muster the courage to push my shopping cart into the woman’s aisle and grab the first dress or blouse I see that looks pretty and might fit, rush to the checkout and head out the door. But it’s often a very anxiety filled experience that leaves me panting all the way to the car. It would be so much easier if we could talk our cis gender allies into taking us clothes shopping even once in a while. Some trans ladies have this, others do not. Myself, unfortunately I am pretty much stuck doing what I can with my limited options.

These are just a few things trans women have to deal with. I know trans men also have their own issues, those pesky periods are a little more troublesome I imagine to them. Yet society seems to have an acceptable place for them, the word is tomboy. For some reason women of all shapes and sizes can shop for men’s clothes no questions asked. If they don’t like makeup they can get away with little to none. But a trans woman has a number of issues not to mention the same overly sexually aggressive perverts all women have to put up with. Only ours can be a little more physically aggressive if they discover things aren’t want they seem.

I imagine trans men have their own issues and I would love to visit with more of them to get their perspective. I had a friend once that was but we fell apart. Let me know if you have experienced any of these anxieties. Or if you are an ally what do you do to help your trans sisters out?

Why it isn’t that easy to define non binary folks in binary terms

Reach down your pants and see what you have, that is all it takes to decide if you are a boy or a girl.

How many times have you heard a similar line thrown your way? If you are trans gender, bi sexual, pan sexual or gender queer chances are you have heard someone in your life make a similar statement.

Last night I was watching an episode of That 70s Show. It was season 1, Eric’s Buddy. This was always one of my favorite episodes as it helped illustrate how confusing it can be to have non-standard non-binary feelings.

In the episode the main character, Eric Foreman, befriends a rich kid named Buddy who is is lab partner for a science class. During the course of the episode it is revealed Buddy is actually gay and interested in Eric romantically. Following a moment involving a kiss Eric clearly rejected, the two friends have a slightly awkward conversation about why he chose Eric and it quickly moves back into comedy territory. The moment was brief and the episode certainly wasn’t ground breaking by any stretch. It presented being gay as somewhat normal behavior but in the context of the decade it was taking place there was an obvious treatment of it being abnormal. Later in the episode the character Steven Hyde even uses the phrase “love that dare not speak its name” when referring to homosexual tendencies. It was one of those episodes when I was younger I thought oh cool they normalized this is a way I can relate but also stayed true to the time period.

Looking back on it I think episodes like this had a positive impact on my experiences where as someone who was more out in the open during that time might not have seen it the same as I had. I remained firmly in the closet until less than a year ago. It opened up slightly to some extent to a very small group of people over the years but it wasn’t until attending a pride event I decide to tackle my own issues head on. Up to that point I had shrugged it off as something inside of me I could never act upon.

The more I am confronted with figuring out what my trued self is the more I wish I could just tell people I don’t know and I don’t want to figure it out. Maybe part of that falls on me. It could be that I struggle to find where I fit in the binary world while accepting I am not quite fully binary in nature. I know from a Christian perspective this is difficult to consider. However, I found that what works best for me is saying I consider myself gender fluid these days. Some days I wake up more feminine feeling than others. Some days I wake up fully masculine. Other days I want to be some where in the middle.

This has come up as I began to develop the Retro Witch character. A part of me wants to present her as female. A small part of me wants to present her as more of a shemale, the old stereotypical transvestite. In other words, male presenting as female but not fully female. I think trans women face the same cultural pressures as cis women to be sexually appealing to society. Because women have to place so much of their identity on their outward sexuality it makes it hard for a tranny to say I want to wear panties and dresses but not shave my beard.

I want to be a woman internally but I don’t need to do so in a way that satisfies your sexual fantasies about me. The first time a guy commented on a YouTube video of mine, presenting as female, about my sexual desireability I felt very akward. I didn’t put on a dress, wig and makeup for men to find me attractive. I do it because it feels right. It makes me feel right. That is, when the mood strikes. There are times when jeans and a t-shirt feels right. I would rather not be defined by the clothes I wear, the way I do my hair or even the music I listen to. I would rather be defined by my personality and my value as a person.

I think this is a big part of why I have such a hard time making friends. I have so little self esteem because I see myself as invaluable to the human condition. I am no binary which means I am also not a breeder. I don’t express my sexuality in a way conducive to procreation, something quite contrary to my Catholic faith.

I cling to the word transgender, internally calling myself tranny for short or queer girl in my mind. I do this not in a self loathing or deprecating way but as a way to define myself in the context of the societal norm. I read a story about how this new super hero movie celebrates its bisexual character and the comments are all negatively attacking the so-called Hollywood agenda to push the gays onto the world. I get sick of being told we are pushing outselves onto the world when it is quite literally the other way around. All I want, I don’t speak for all non binary queer folks, but all *I* want is to live my life and not be told I am doing it wrong. Let me decide what works for me and you do what works for you. I get there are people who hate change. There are people who hate for the sake of hating. There are those who use their religion to justify hating. As for me, I just wish those people would leave me alone and let me figure it out for myself. What is it hurting YOU if I decide to be gay, bi or whatever else?

The seedy, juicy confession you all want~

It’s time for Stephanie to come clean. This is the inner woman that the rat has to face every single day. Today I am here to share the deeply personal exploration of my ever evolving understanding of human sexuality. This all comes from the perspective of a Christian who has struggled to find their place in life. A person, a human being that is male on the outside, sometimes female on the inside and completely void of human touch completely throughout. Here is the article you all been waiting for, especially those with dirty intentions.

First the background.

Yes, I am a virgin. No not because I am a “nerd” or whatever. I chose a life of abstinence. I remain celibate as long as I remain unmarried. That is to say, I have been engaged and I have been in situations where sex was most certainly on the table. I was the one to turn it down. But, not because I wasn’t interested or even driven. Of course my parents propose a different theory, a lack of sexual attraction either altogether or of the hetero nature.

As someone who has been confused by  gender and sexuality the first thought that comes to mind is sexual abuse. I can absolutely say with confidence I have never been abused. I have had one unannounced sexual advance that resulted in some pretty heavy petting, but it was a friend whom I was interested in, she was expressing her interest in me and, well my dad was in the hospital so I was kind of vulnerable so it began with her saying “hi” and after my initial shock of wait a second, I responded in kind by returning the favor.

This was my only explicit sexual experience with a member of the opposite sex, or to be more accurate, any human being entirely. In fact, aside from the two other girls I did some exploratory petting in my early puberty years, that’s about the extent of my sexual exploration. The truth is, I find myself aroused by the idea of women and I certainly would enjoy getting intimate with the right woman, should that opportunity arise, as in we’ve exchanged vows before God and it is our honey moon. Before that, I will remain steadfast in my resolve.

Does that mean I never, explore things on my own. Right, a virgin sure, a prude, fuck no. Now I don’t intend to dig into my personal preferences as that would be odd, even for a tranny in training, so to speak. But, let’s be frank here, I have done my share of exploring, experimenting and discovering. That includes imaginations and fantasies.

This brings me to sexual attraction.

I was too young to remember the first time in my head I used she to refer to my inner voice. I remember playing with my sisters dolls often over my own action figures quite regularly. My parents pushed me into these are boys toys those are girls toys but they also forced me to share my toys so I forced them to make my sisters share theirs and not wanting to be hypocrites, they complied. So if I had to let my sister play with Optimus Prime, she had to share her Rainbow Brite. It was that simple.

I knew inside I wanted to be female. Dress female. Do make up. Go shopping at the mall and gossip with the girls. I did my best to do as much of this as Midwestern society in the late 80s would allow a young “boy” to do so. I was often mistaken for a girl for my longer hair and hanging with so many other girls, which used to offend me publicly but secretly I would go home and smile at the prospect of being mistaken as it meant I could pass for a girl and that tickled me.

The truth is I had the same interests and desires as my sisters, female cousins and their respective girl friends. I liked most of the same things. Oh sure I also liked some stereotypical boy things but I still felt more drawn to feminine stuff and once I began cross dressing regularly, at age 11, I internalized myself as a lesbian because I was a girl, who was attracted to girls.

This goes deeper than that though. You know the girl I said I shared a mutual hand job with earlier? Well she and I actually dated for a while. A brief while but we did. The thing is, she was dating me at the same time she was dating one of my sisters. I won’t share their personal stuff but I know they all introduced me to bi sexual friends over the years. I can say there was some level of curiosity. Not to the point of, throwing caution to the wind and going further than visualizing things, well until the internet feed me a different outlet.

This is where it gets tricky. My first time seeking photographic material on the internet to assist in the stimulation process led me to a site that showed a particular fetish, “chicks with dicks” as it was branded or more specifically trannys. I was wearing women’s underwear during the ordeal so needless to say I wanted to see if there were other “shemales” that were guys like me who were secretly trying to be female. Sure, I discovered actual pornographic material that included the whole spectrum of dirty things a Christian virgin is supposed to avoid.

This is where I get honest. I dug deep into porn for a brief period, no longer than a couple of years before I shook it off. It was not easy. I purposefully chose to stave off an addiction before it started so I took measures to prevent myself from being tempted. That is, I took up a number of hobbies that kept me off the internet.

Do I maintain self control to this day? Actually, and honestly, yes for the most part. I dabble on rare occasions. How rare? I googled pussy one time last year in a moment of weakness. Before that it had been two or more years. I would say total I’ve viewed no more than 3 hours consecutive of pornographic material in my entire life. That’s not to say I didn’t do the things porn is used to do, it just means I trained myself to get by without it. I reduced the need. I practiced self control.

I failed.

I don’t view the graphic material but that doesn’t stop me from visualizing things on my own accord nor does it stop me from acting things out in my privacy when I find the time. Sometimes it’s him, the rat, doing what guys do. Most of the time its Stephanie being more eloquent as a woman would. Yes that means taking the time to explore and enjoy things with music and the like. It takes a tremendous amount of time to get there but like cis gender or biological women for a scientific approach, Stephanie likes to take her time.

But does she, her, or me, us? Do we think about men? Or specifically sexually is there an attraction to the male species?

 

You want the truth. Yes and no. I mean Stephanie is a lesbian but she is also a woman. She has sexual desires that does, stemming from curiosity, involve exploring the male physic as an option. Again without getting into the details, there is a sexual attraction felt on occasions when we, I, am in full girl mode. In fact it’s not our preference but it is, well there. In other words, yes I can picture a scenario where a sexual encounter with a genetic male, trans gender female, or any combination of the different expressions, would be appealing.

Sexual attraction to cis females, absolutely. Trans women, yes. Cis, and that means gay or bi males, not so much.

So yes, as Stephanie the idea is I could be in a sexual relationship with a cis male, cis lesbian female, or a bi sexual cis male but only in Stephanie mode, as in full female, HRT, etc. This is where it gets complicated. You see, even if I could explore these feelings, that Christian thing about being celibate applies to non hetero expressions as well. In other words, even if I could see myself enjoying an encounter with all of the above, I refuse to break that promise of celibacy. I would open the door, and other things, wide to a sexual partner once the marriage ceremony is final and the honey moon commences.

However, as the Catholic church does not allow for gay, bi, or transgender marriages, that leaves me with the reality of seeking a Catholic sexual partner that is okay with the fact I have been or had female desires in the past but knows where I stand going forward. In other words, as long as I remain Christian, which will be for all eternity as I will never denounce my faith, it doesn’t matter, at all, who I may, or may not, fantasize about rubbing genitals with, as it is basically a moot point.

Am I gay. Depends. Stephanie is bisexual for sure. But, I am not always Stephanie. I am not, do not have multiple personalities that I know of, but I do know I, we, are not one person. We are two natures that live, in constant conflict, in the same body.

The mere fact I am self aware of Stephanie and THERAT existing kind of supports my theory we’re not totally on solid ground mentally speaking. That being said. If the Church proclaimed sex was no longer constrained to marriage and or opened the door to exploring other possibilities, I’d be hitting the gym tomorrow and the sports bar right afterwards to find a suitable partner first chance I could. Suitable is still negotiable.