How I lost my virginity to a broom stick

It’s fucking Pride month and you know what that means? It means there are LGBTQ+ people young and old about to start making themselves visible in ways we don’t do year round. Some of us have the distinct pleasure, if you can call it that, of living our authentic lives. At the same time there are others in the community who don’t have that luxury. Whether you see Pride as a protest, a celebration or a mixture of both, there is one thing we can ALL agree on and it’s about being more visible. That is why this year I am going to commit to writing very deeply personal blogs digging into my own sexuality. My sister Robin will tell you I am kinda repressed in a lot of ways, sexually speaking. So you know this is not easy for me to share. But fuck it, this has to be done, it has to be shared.

When I say I am a virgin that is technically true in the purest sense. Meaning I have never had traditional sexual intercourse with another human being, this includes penetrative and non penetrative forms of genital exposure. But that doesn’t mean I have never experienced an orgasm. Nor does it mean I have never had a sexual experience with another human being.

I won’t share the details but I have had and have given hand jobs. I have given oral sex to a former partner at least once. And yes I have done the nasty all by my lonesome oh so many times. Yes that is all true. I have also had a lot of anal penetration over the years. No, sadly, not with a partner. But that doesn’t completely diminish my experiences.

I won’t divulge the first time I inserted an object into my anus with the intention of seeing how it felt. I will say it was around the same time I started questioning my gender identity so if you know anything about me at all that should give you some clues. I will also not be sharing every, well, thing, I have tried. That is both private and well frankly not something I care to share at this time.

I will describe my first orgasm though, and I will be honest it did not involve my genitals.

I was 12 years old. I hadn’t even discovered my junk could get hard yet let alone learned what comes next. I had already explored my anal cavity with various “toys” and things in an attempt to see what felt good. Spoiler alert it pretty much all did. At 12 years old, before I had my first ejaculatory emission I found myself in a literal closet, in my bedroom door closed, locked, front door to the house locked, radio up, TV on in my bedroom to drown out the noise. I took a screwdriver handle and went to town. It didn’t take long before I found the sweet spot and holy fucking shit that was all it took. I never told anyone this but I basically tried everything from there discovering what I liked, what I didn’t and figuring out what my limits were. That first time was, masturbatory for sure but it was also, well messy so it was short experience.

I spent the next few years, yes years, basically finding anything I could that would fit comfortably in me that I could keep there for a casual reminder I was different than everyone else. I am not going to lie here I kept pencils, pens, markers and other similar items handy just in case. I was always wearing women’s or girls panties so it was just another thing I had to hide.

When I say I “lost my virginity” to a broomstick that is not entirely accurate. The headline is eye catching but it’s not far from the truth. I literally got screwed by a screwdriver on more than one occasion. By the time I was 15 I had already begun the horror that was teenage “male” puberty so I had discovered another form of masturbating that included the use of said genitals. Now by this time I had also done some heavy petting with at least two girls so I was still figuring out what I liked.

It was right after I turned 16. I was staying home from school after I had dropped out. I was running around the house in a swimming suit I “borrowed” and found myself blasting “Work Baby Work” by the Quad City DJ’s. The song certainly turned me on in a weird way no other song had before. I had played with hair brushes, and other similar items plenty of times up to that point, But today was different. This day I took a broom handle into the bathroom, filled the tub with warm water and bubbles, slid things into place and Holy. Fucking. Shit. I know I had an orgasm because I shook violently. I experienced a sensation I had never felt before. After I exhausted myself from the most pleasurable penetration I have ever experienced I grabbed the little guy, finished the deed and drained the tub. I cleaned myself off, put the items I borrowed away, returning the broom to it’s designated place. Then I went to my bedroom and cried. Then prayed. I begged God to forgive me for sinning. I wasn’t sure what I had done that was a sin, I just knew it felt so damn good it had to be a sin. It was only the first, far, far from the last.

I never told anyone this but yes I would make excuses to stay home, alone, as often as I could. Not just to spend as much girl time as I could, ya know as I explored my femininity. But I also couldn’t wait to get under a bed, in a closet or even into a bathtub to try again. I quickly learned I had far more greater sexual experiences when anal was either involved, or the main focus of my explorations.

I write this, now, because Pride Month is all about telling the world people like me exist and our sexual desires might be different from theirs, they are just as valid and just as important to us as theirs are to them. I don’t know if I would enjoy being penetrated by an actual penis attached to a man, but I do know I have at least learned could accommodate one should that situation arise. I also know, from experience, that I can fit an anatomically accurate facsimile too. I share this because I don’t believe I am a pervert or a sinner for having these feelings or enjoying a sexual experience that differs from the hetero norm. I also share this because fuck it, Pride is all about pushing boundaries and what better way to do that then talking about gay sex, even if it’s masturbatory in nature. I say rub, suck, jab or fuck whatever it is that gets you where you need to go. At the end of the day be you. Stay Cool and Happy Pride~

Why sex is partially to blame for Transphobia

Men are pigs. It’s a saying made famous recently by Tim Allen and his popular stand up comedy series turned prime time TV sitcom a few decades ago. I grew up watching TV shows that reinforced a stereotypical, societally approved gender norm. Men want one thing, as Lauren Hill said, and we all know they will do anything to get it, including lying, cheating and breaking girls hearts.

Sex is the at the crux of why some men, especially those who have been brainwashed into conforming to the toxic masculinity our society glorifies. They see women as objects not equals. Inferior creatures to be adored, admired and sexualized. The problem is transgender women challenges their conventions. Even well-meaning guys who treat women right and are openly accepting to homosexual men often will cringe at the sight, or even mere mention of a transwoman. But why?

It comes down to sex. They see women as sex objects. So to them, a cisgender female is available for sex. A Bi-sexual cisgendered female could be available for sex. They know, in their minds a cisgendered lesbian is off limits, but still tantalizing in some respects so they can put those images in their mind and make sense of it. But a transgender woman defies that. She might look like a woman, have breasts, wear the right clothes, be sexually attractive but once he learns she has a penis, or used to have a penis, he is revolted by the idea of her, because she is not available for sex in his mind. So, he might accept homosexual guys as perfectly normal but he sees them as unavailable for sex because he is hetero himself.

This makes our struggle extra hard because even those who can fit bi, gay and lesbian concepts into their brains, and I’ll say that’s a start for sure, yet they see transwomen as unavailable sexually. Their eyes see a transwoman and they think bonable but then they think of her as a man in a dress and it confuses them. I get that somewhat, it was confusing for me.

I am not excusing this behavior. I am just pointing out I get it, I have observed it.

So then how do you fix it? How do you tell a man who is cisgendered and heterosexual that a transgender woman is not something to be afraid of? You start by reminding him that we’re women. But then you remind him that women are PEOPLE, not sex objects. See, they have to get out of their head the mentality of looking at a woman, trans or otherwise, and immediately summer her up sexually. It goes back to just seeing women as people, equals even. That is the first step in overcoming transphobia.

As a single gal who has spent her life looking for a female sexual partner while simultaneously pushing her own transgender feelings deep down inside, I can assure you my experiences are admittedly limited. I wish that wasn’t the case. I have had plenty of time to explore various scenarios in my mind. And I have had more than enough time to consider my feminine feelings. The truth is I just haven’t had the guts to admit the truth to myself, let alone share it with others. Being vulnerable is a decidedly feminine trait in our society. As someone who has been living as a male in a male-centric society I haveĀ  had to cope with my own insecurities as it relates to my femininity.

I sure as hell don’t believe for one second I have all the answers. What I can say is men are pigs and I am so glad I am finally getting on the path distance myself from that life. #StayCool.