Month: February 2021

This has been an exceptional week across Texas. In addition to the severe weather that has turned the state upside down, I have also made some major changes in my own personal life.

Last week I officially cut ties with my previous life once and for all. In a way this was a long time coming. It was absolutely a necessity for my own well being on so many levels. That’s not to say it hasn’t been without some difficulties but that’s a part of life. In order to move forwards sometimes you have to learn to let go.

As someone who has moved more times in my life than I can even bother counting letting go is a skill I have sharpened quite a bit in my lifetime. That doesn’t mean it is always easy. This time was different though. I wasn’t just moving to a new town or state to start over. I was completely severing ties with the family I had come to rely on for so long. It was incredibly painful knowing I wasn’t going to be around my sister and her kids anytime soon, if ever again. But it was time. They have determined they were not willing to accept my becoming a woman and thus the friction boiled over to the point of no return. Unfortunately that meant selling my house and moving.

Fortunately, and I can’t stress this enough, I was taken in by people who love me for me and won’t judge me for being the real me. The bright side is going to have to keep me going. I ended up leaving a country living in a fairly rural area to living in a city. It’s not the first time I have lived in a city but it is by far the largest city I have ever lived in. That is okay because in a way I see it not only as a new chapter in life, nor just a new adventure, I see it as the opportunity for me to finally be the real me for the first time in my life. And the best part is I don’t have to hide who I am from anyone ever again. That alone is liberating in a way that outweighs the good times with those kids I am forfeiting for my own happiness. Even though I know they can’t quite understand it right now I knew it was time I did what was best for me for once in my life.

I am quite relieved to also be in a more populated area surrounded by a larger number of people who are friendlier to people like me than where I had been. It’s not to say I had encountered much in the way of negativity but I am enjoying the opportunities. Not to mention I am excited to get connected to a larger LGBT community here than where I had been.

Life has a way of throwing us curveballs when we least expect. In my experience usually when things look like they can’t get better is right about the time great things happen. I am beyond relieved, hopeful and relaxed for the first time in longer than I can remember.

I couldn’t be happier.

1

I rode a horse for the very first time yesterday

It showed me secrets about myself I couldn’t escape

The chilly wind blew a cloud across the sky until it darkened black as night

the steed turned to Bones beneath my Flesh as I sat upon its back

The devil is near it whispered into my ear before it began to cackle

I hopped down and turned around to see him stare at me

He asked if I had payment for my soul he did claim

I denied his claim but offered him something in exchange

You shall have instead my blackened heart if the pain you will vacate

He nodded in agreement with a smirk upon his evil face

His bony hands reached into my chest and wrapped around my heart

He said I shall take away your pain this day but it is only but a start

I shall return when time is up to take that which is mine

Until that day live free from all the burdens that tell your heart right now

The sky cleared up and then the sun returned as clear as it had been

Standing before me was the horse returned to its former glory

It said this is not where the story ends but where it just begins

~ The Retro Witch

2

I cast not a Spell on You here in time or space. Rather I reach Beyond this place and seek out answers from elsewhere from others. My particular brand of crazy dares not show its face. Just proof that I belong in the nuthouse with others like myself.
~The Retro Witch

3
With me there is not a duality of soul, rather a plurality. I am not legion, per se, but most certainly can relate. How? My heart is being torn assunder. I am being pulled in several different directions by different desires each one stronger than the other but all vying for control over my destiny. However shall I decide? I, us, we need time to think.
~The Retro Witch

4

I drank the sand to quench my thirst, it tasted like hope under my tongue

I heard a scratching behind my ear whispering to drink some more

The Sun burned bright and yet it felt so cold beneath my feet

I wondered how I got here I wondered where I should go

I checked my watch and saw that it was time for me to eat

I picked up a rock I took a lick and thought this’ll do

I imagined that it was a fresh tomato picked from the garden this

very morning

I took another sip of sand and let the wind blow across my face

There was no cloud in the sky to save me with its soothing shade

I even cursed the rain that never came to heal me from my pain

My heart beat ever slower as I pondered how this all came to be

I felt so hopeless and alone as I recalled the words she spoke to me that Dreadful morning

The scratching behind my ear told me the time was near so I closed my eyes

All I heard was Wailing of those I loved most as they closed the lid

I took another sip of sand before I fell asleep

5

When I was 2 I tried to learn how to tie my shoelace

I could not get it right

Instead I tripped and fell and busted up my face

When I was six I tried to learn to the play catch with the ball

I could not get it right

I missed the glove and hit myself when it bounced off the wall

When I was 10 I tried again to learn to make a friend

I could not get it right

I broke his favorite toy and he said to never speak to him again

When I was 12 I learned to tell a secret I would keep

I could not get it right

I wrote it in a diary that was found by kids who read it aloud that week

When I was a teen I tried to ask a girl out on a date

I could not get it right

Instead she laughed at me and said I filled her heart with hate

when I was grown I found myself looking for a job

I could not get it right

I was promptly fired when my boss said I was nothing but a slob

When I was old I found myself desperate and alone

I could not get it right

My One True Love came to me and said I was finally home

I tried to dry my tear stained eye when my lover left me

I could not get it right

I chose instead just to die my heart was far too heavy

6

I haven’t met you yet but my love for you is true.

I know I will make it right in everything I do.

I’ll take you to the park and push you on the swing.

And share a lullaby with you everyday I will sing.

I’ll be at the field to watch every sport you play.

Kiss you on the forehead say I love you everyday.

I’ll hold you when you’re sick and care for you when you cry

And when your heart is broken I’ll be there to wipe the tears from your eye

I’ll give you hugs and kisses everyday as I watch you grow.

I’ll even take you to the mountain to play in the winter snow.

I’ll cheer when you succeed and I’ll cry whenever you bleed

But I’ll be there everyday to meet your every need.

I’ll cherish every grade you get on the work you do at school.

I’ll even teach you how to swim when we go to the pool.

We’ll go fishing on the weekend and church every Sunday.

We’ll go camping in the summer and make everyday a fun day.

I’ll teach you how to tie your shoes how to jump rope at the park.

I’ll even get you your own night light if you’re scared of the dark.

I will never leave you I’ll be there every day that you need me.

I’ll forget about the sorrow from which you came and freed me.

I haven’t met you yet but I love you just the same.

My tears do drip down my cheek like a summer rain.

As I wait for you to come give meaning to my world.

I long for all the smiles that we’ll share as we grow old.

I haven’t met you yet so I wait for you to find me.

I’ll give you all my love I’m put my empty life behind me.

So I write this letter here one person to another.

Sealed with love my future kid from your future mother.

7.

I haven’t met you yet but my love for you is true.

I know I will make it right in everything I do.

I’ll take you to the park and push you on the swing.

And share a lullaby with you everyday I will sing.

I’ll be at the field to watch every sport you play.

Kiss you on the forehead say I love you everyday.

I’ll hold you when you’re sick and care for you when you cry

And when your heart is broken I’ll be there to wipe the tears from your eye

I’ll give you hugs and kisses everyday as I watch you grow.

I’ll even take you to the mountain to play in the winter snow.

I’ll cheer when you succeed and I’ll cry whenever you bleed

But I’ll be there everyday to meet your every need.

I’ll cherish every grade you get on the work you do at school.

I’ll even teach you how to swim when we go to the pool.

We’ll go fishing on the weekend and church every Sunday.

We’ll go camping in the summer and make everyday a fun day.

I’ll teach you how to tie your shoes how to jump rope at the park.

I’ll even get you your own night light if you’re scared of the dark.

I will never leave you I’ll be there every day that you need me.

I’ll forget about the sorrow from which you came and freed me.

I haven’t met you yet but I love you just the same.

My tears do drip down my cheek like a summer rain.

As I wait for you to come give meaning to my world.

I long for all the smiles that we’ll share as we grow old.

I haven’t met you yet so I wait for you to find me.

I’ll give you all my love I’m put my empty life behind me.

So I write this letter here one person to another.

Sealed with love my future kid from your future mother.

8

I wrote a poem just for you.
but I forgot to deliver it.
I also baked you a cake too.
but I forgot to leaven it.
I carved doll for you to have.
but I forgot to finish it.
I brewed a drink just for you
but I forgot to stiffen it.
I dreamt a dream all for you.
but you did not show up.
All there is left to do
is wave and say what’s up?

9
I drifted through the dessert so many years ago.
I had know clue where it was I was meant to go
I slept on rocks and ate the scraps others left behind
I woke up every day to learn the dessert was so unkind
I lost my way one dusty day and wandered into town
Once there this girl came and turned my world upside down
I asked the girl if she could show me to a place to rest
she said I would not do so well to find a place to nest
That night while I slept I drempt of the life I left
and it was then I noticed the wind begin to blow
the sand did move across the earth as soft as winter snow
once it settled I saw it there as clear as could be
the road I had been walking on beneath my tired feet
I turned towards the rising sun and said my goodbye

10

I saw a caterpillar climb up a tree. Once it got to the top it found an ear of corn to nibble on.
Before it realized its mistake the caterpillar discovered the tree was really a scarecrow.
But when the crow flew in to eat the worm it sprouted its own wings and turned into a butterfly.
The scarecrow watched as the bird gave chase.
After a few hours they both grew tired while on their flight.
The butterfly landed on a fence overlooking the cornfield.
The crow, equally exhausted asked the butterfly to sit and enjoy the sunset.
Meanwhile the scarecrow watched on basking in his victory as the corn continued to grow tall.

11
A song bird came and perched outside my window.
When she began to sing I turned off my Nintendo.
I sat and listened intently as the song filled the air.
Before too long I grabbed a tissue to wipe away the tear
her sent ripples through my heart deep into my soul
her magic song stitched my broken heart back into a whole
she stood perched on high as all the world looked on
but when she left, our hearts were filled with her lovely song
the remnants of what remained sustained us for years to come
all that remained was the beauty of the song she had sung

12

A song bird came and perched outside my window.
When she began to sing I turned off my Nintendo.
I sat and listened intently as the song filled the air.
Before too long I grabbed a tissue to wipe away the tear
her sent ripples through my heart deep into my soul
her magic song stitched my broken heart back into a whole
she stood perched on high as all the world looked on
but when she left, our hearts were filled with her lovely song
the remnants of what remained sustained us for years to come
all that remained was the beauty of the song she had sung

13

I cut my skin to let feeling in
I cut my heart to make it start
I cut my toe to make it slow
I cut my face to scar this place
I cut my eye to let it cry
I cut my wrist to bath in the mist
I cut my hair to show I care
I cut my tongue to shut it up
I cut my life to make it right

14

The clock ticks away the day. I check my watch.
Time stands still today. I check my watch.
The moon falls a sleep. I check my watch.
The day drags into a week. I check my watch.
The clouds fill the sky. I check my watch.
The wind whispers ‘why?’ I check my watch.
Winter breaks apart the world. I check my watch.
The swam breaks through the mold. I check my watch.
The ancient river runs dry. I check my watch.
The swarm covers the sky. I check my watch.
I wait for the day to begin. I check my watch.
Time has come to an end. My watch has stopped.

15

I fell into a deep sleep waiting for you to wake me up.
I dreamt dreams of us exploring the meaning of life together.
When I awoke I discovered you weren’t there.
I wandered into the wilderness alone.
Only to discover I wasn’t even real to begin with.
It was all just a dream.

16

I blink away the tears as you drink from my soul
I waste away my fears as you fail to make me whole
I cry in my sleep when you shove my face into your world
I drive into the deepest parts of the darkness you long to behold
I swim in the shallows of your mind barely able to leave a mark
I fade into the shadows as your unkind words sting me in the dark
I wrote you a letter saying you were my hope of eternal bliss
I somehow knew better than to let you steal away my wish
I sit here, frozen in time as you continue to pass me by
I sit here lost in my own mind losing my desire to try
I wrote your name in my heart and it burned a whole in me
I drove a stake through my heart to purge myself from misery
I wrote your name in my heart and you left a hole in my soul
I closed the door from the start before you could make me whole

17
I do not cry tears of sadness, nor tears of pain.
I cry tears of slumber as I wash my dreams down the drain.

I know I’ve lost a lot of my audience and readership because I stop talking about comic books and horror movies and shifted more of my focus towards transgender issues but there’s something you need to know. The reason why I was a recluse in the first place what drew me to the safety of comic books and video games in the was escapism from the harsh reality of being transgender in a world that hates trans people. And because I always used those things as a way to hide my transgenderness so yeah I’m going to talk more about what’s important to me.

A few weeks ago I started a new podcast what’s another trans woman name Robin Alura. And this podcast has given me a new purpose in life new meaning to what I do. It’s not to say I won’t continue doing the Spiders Lair, where I will still talk about those pop culture things that are important to me but obviously with a trans twist.

But the transposed podcast is so much more important to me and that’s where I want to focus my energies right now.

I rarely if ever take sides on political issues because professionally I’m a journalist. My livelihood has depended on me being an impartial journalist at various news outlets over the last half-decade. And while I won’t take a public stand on issues I’m sure as hell going to shine a light things that aren’t right. I’m going to share my experiences and observations while also learning about other people in the transgender community.

When I started originally my first podcast it was just noise a distraction something for me to do on my days off. After I made the decision to tell my audience I was trans and then to slowly start revealing the real me I watched my numbers plummet I went from getting two to three hundred listeners per episode te barely 20 to 30 that was a big drop and I’m sure some of it was because of transphobes who didn’t want to listen to me become something they hated. But I’m sure some of it was also you know I stopped talking about the things that they came there to hear about. So I rebranded a couple of times and now I’m back to talking about comic books and horror movies and bullshit but I’m still going to talk about trans related issues. But the transposed podcast that’s different.

I’m trying to build something new from the ground up. I know there’s a smaller audience for a podcast that talks about transgender issues but to be fair there’s hundreds of podcast talking about comic books and horror movies so if I reach a smaller audience I’ll be fine with that as long as they get something out of it as long as it means something to them.

I struggled with being transgender for 37 years of my life hiding in the closet. I’ve only been visible for about 8 months now and my life has been thrown upside down and turned inside out as a result. I knew the day I told my boss I was a trans woman and was going to begin transitioning it was the death march to the end of my job at that TV station. And I’m not going to say they were transphobes or bigots or that it was a direct result but I can honestly say everything changed everything around me changed and everybody around me changed the way they reacted to me and that made it difficult to go to work everyday.

So what I want to accomplish with this new podcast is basically I want to provide a safe space where trans people and trans allies can come together and learn about what we go through what we do as trans people learn about our struggles. Because I will tell you right now a good Ally is just as important as another trans sister or brother.

So I’m asking if you are a listener of the spider’s Lair podcast or if you read this blog I am begging you to check out transposed especially if you are trans yourself or lgbtq at all. You can find it by going to ww.w.Transposed.Podbean.com.