I have always struggled with self esteem. I have such low esteem of myself I often feel invisible. Nothing makes me feel more worthless than when there is a pop culture thing I am supposed to like I just can’t stand. Especially when all my like-minded peers are into the thing I don’t like.
I have always loved Star Wars. You are supposed to like Star Wars. You are supposed to like a lot of things that I do like for instance The Terminator franchise, Ghostbusters, the MCU, Lord of the Rings, the Matrix and even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I also enjoy a lot of things you are supposed to hate such as Star Wars the Phantom Menace, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Harry Potter, and The Twilight Saga. When it comes to music my tastes are quite popular. I like pop music. I like the MOST popular music mostly Lada Gaga, Madonna, Kylie Minogue, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears and the like. The more popular something is the more I tend to dig it.
Except for a few certain things. There are things I am supposed to like I just can’t stand. For example the Halloween movies. Listen I am a big time horror fan. I rarely come across a horror movie I don’t like. I even enjoy the schlocky b movies. But despite my best efforts I can’t get into Halloween at all. I have tried. I’ve seen nearly every film in the franchise and the more I try to force myself to like them the more they push me away.
This causes feelings of alienation. Inadequacy. Low Self Esteem. And self loathing. I feel worthless. Like a true horror fan would LOVE Halloween. Does hating it make me less of a fan of the genre I proclaim to love so much? Especially since the slasher sub-genre is my personal favorite. Hell my favorite movie of all time is a slasher. So it’s not like I am a stranger to the genres tropes. I get it. I am all for the kills. Yet as hard as I try I can’t bring myself to like Halloween.
There are other things you are supposed to like I can’t stand such as Star Trek, the band Queen, Legend of Zelda and most problematically for me is the Marvel movies. While I do enjoy most of the Avengers mainline films, I feel the market is over saturated with MCU and the vast majority of it turns me off.
I can’t help but wonder if there is something wrong with me personally. I know you are allowed to dislike certain things, I get it. But when it’s something every single one of your peers loves, and you typically have similar taste otherwise, it makes me feel like a mutant or an alien only pretending to be human. I want to like the same things my friends like. I want to enjoy the movies I am supposed to enjoy. It makes me question what is wrong with me? Sometimes I think nothing. I am allowed to be different. And there it is. I just feel different. As bad as that makes me feel sometimes. I suppose that’s okay but it doesn’t change the fact I feel like a poser.
Maybe I am not as much of a horror fan as I proclaim to be? Or maybe I am looking at it all wrong? Maybe the way you enjoy the films is to forget about the non existent story and just enjoy the kills? I do that with so many other slasher movies why can’t I do that with the mother of them all? The original slasher that started the trend? I guess I have some thinking to do. Maybe I am being too harsh a critic. Maybe I set my standards too high for something that is meant to be schlock? All I know is I am tired of wanting to fit in but being unable to do so properly.
Stephanie Bri 