Why my current job search has me facing a lose-lose depression

October is finally upon us. It brings the start of fall, spooky season, horror movies and cold weather. It is also the time you start seeing the ramp up for seasonal and holiday jobs. I bring up jobs because I am currently out of work. While I have done seasonal work in the past I haven’t had to depend on the seasonal/holiday hiring season to find employment. I am not usually looking for jobs this time of the year. I have had to do some hard job hunting at all other times of the year.

Despite the supposed availability of employment opportunities I have found myself in a situation where even the typical seasonal fare eludes me. This puts me in a precarious position where I have to question what I am doing wrong? I understand having trouble finding a job during the dry summer months. Nobody is hiring during the summer typically with few exceptions. Those jobs tend to be part time anyways.

This is the first time I have found myself seeking employment during the optimal time to be doing so yet here I remain unemployed. Except I don’t get assistance. I don’t qualify for unemployment. I don’t even get food stamps. I have no savings. I have had to depend on the kindness of strangers to pay my bills, a strategy becoming increasingly difficult to pursue.

I am finding it even harder to keep my head up. I try to remain distracted by staying busy but all I do is end up reminding myself how far removed I am from financial stability. Every day that my rent goes unpaid I move one step closer to homelessness. Every day that goes by I don’t get a job offer I become even more desperate for anything, as I extend my search to include jobs that I would normally be able to avoid due to my experience level. Yet here I find myself looking to food service for the answers, an industry I left behind when I went to college. An industry I went to college to get away from in the first place. Here I find myself about to walk into a job interview for what should be the most likely job to get, yet I have doubts. If I don’t get it I will sink further into depression as my value drops in my mind. If I do get it I will sink into a depression because I will be doing something I thought I was beyond.

There is no winning. If I get the job I will be down. If I don’t get the job I will be down. There is no way out. I will end up feeling blue no matter what. Solace I find comes from the idea if it pays well enough to cover my bills I will be better off. Beyond that I have nothing going for me right now. I have no prospects. Every job I have interviewed for has resulted in a dry spell. Nothing but more questions what I am doing wrong.

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Stephanie Bri

A transgender writer who also does podcasts and videos. If you like my writing please consider helping me survive. You can support me directly by giving money to my paypal: thetransformerscollector@yahoo.com. If you prefer CashApp my handle is @Stephaniebri22. Also feel free to donate to my Patreon. I know it's largely podcast-centric but every little bit helps. Find it by going to www.patreon.com/stephaniebri, Thank you.