Why I turned to smoking recently

I don’t regret starting. I suffer from a combination of mental health disorders that includes bipolar disorder, social anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder and PTSD, among others. I am messed up. The fact I never turned to drugs is a testament to my resolve. So when I feel the need to light a tobacco-filled mini cigar, puff my troubles away and relax for a change let me assure you I have done everything in my power to relax already.

I gave up drinking. I used to rely heavily on alcohol to take the edge off so I could relax. Having bipolar disorder is a nightmare. I am on edge all the time. When I am depressed nothing can cheer me up. Likewise when I am manic nothing can calm me down. I would rather puff a small cigar and chill than turn to other, illicit drugs. I am medicated but the pills I am on only get me so far. Because I have multiple, conflicting conditions they can only treat some of my symptoms without triggering others. A patient with BPD, PTSD and Bipolar is considered untreatable in the mental health community I am damn lucky to have professionals trying to help me at all.

I didn’t choose smoking. It just happened one day. I was having a manic episode and was without my meds. I was at the gas station and I noticed someone ahead of me buying a pack of cigarettes. I thought I would give it a try as I have read others with bipolar said tobacco helps sooth them. I needed to calm down from the high of the mania so I gave it a try. Three cigs latter I was calling my sister in tears begging her to tell me to stop. I didn’t want to turn into an addict.

Then I discovered mini cigars. I bough a 99 cent black N mild. I smoked it and felt the most relaxed I have felt in my entire life. It took the edge off like nothing else before it, not even booze. So I made it a point to only smoke once every other month. Only when I really needed it. I want to avoid becoming hooked so I stuck to that plan until I lost another job. Facing the real threat of homelessness yet again I was tired of fighting life on my own. I needed something to take the edge off, to calm me down to a normal level. I decided then and there to smoke whenever I feel stressed as long as it reduces my stress. I did recently buy a bottle of wine with the intention of giving that another shot, no pun intended.

I need help. The mental health care system can’t fix me because of my overlapping conditions. Therefore I need to rely on alternative methods to feel right. If that means lighting up a tobacco-filled mini cigar from time-to-time, then that’s what I am going to do. No vaping for me, cigars only. Plus, they retain all their cool factor so there is that edge to them over cigarettes.

I didn’t choose to be a basket case. I am just working within the scope of the tools at my disposal. Cheers.

Published by

Stephanie Bri

A transgender writer who also does podcasts and videos. If you like my writing please consider helping me survive. You can support me directly by giving money to my paypal: thetransformerscollector@yahoo.com. If you prefer CashApp my handle is @Stephaniebri22. Also feel free to donate to my Patreon. I know it's largely podcast-centric but every little bit helps. Find it by going to www.patreon.com/stephaniebri, Thank you.