Why my religion has gotten complicated and how I intend to reconcile it

I want to remind my readers I use this blog for a number of reasons. One reason is to provide myself with clarity as I unpack all the many thoughts racing inside my mind. Sometimes I write about my personal experiences so others can get edification from it. Sometimes I share my religious experiences for the same purpose. Other times I write for myself. To understand or make sense out of the world.

Lately I have been writing more about my pagan beliefs. This is partially because it took me a long time to get here. I was raised in a conservative evangelical Christian home. My instinct is to share my faith with the world and convert as many new believers as I can come across. This was how I was trained, nay brainwashed into thinking. I was inducted into religious cult that preaches the absolute need to evangelize the whole world to save it from total depravity.

I no longer hold to those ideals as tightly as I once had. I must clarify though for those who are confused. When I identified the 12 deities I would seek guidance from I kept Yahweh and his son Joshua at the top of the list. I refused to use their Anglicized names is the biggest change. I also relegated Yahweh to one of the 12. I agreed to keep his holy days and seek wisdom from him on his days. Currently I was most recently confirmed into the Catholic faith. Thus I intend to keep the Catholic mandate of once a year attendance of mass which includes a yearly partaking in the Eucharist, predated by accepting the sacrament of reconciliation. This means I will go to a priest for confession of my sins. What I confess will be nobody’s business but mine and Yahweh’s. The priest is merely a facilitator of the sacrament, God using a man to do his work. I can accept that.

What I found in my religion is comfort knowing that I can follow other supernatural powers while seeking nurture from nature. I chose the path of pagan because of it’s closeness to nature, the supernatural elements and it fitting within my existing belief structure in a spirit world. I write this blog entry more for myself than others but to offer clarify for those who might be confused. You see I am pagan but I remain Christian as well, sort of.

I intend to attend the Easter Vigil as my Annual obligation to the Church. The Vigil is a remarkably beautiful experience to partake in. It is an ancient ritual shared across time and the world over. It brings birth of new Christians with it as well as the Sacrament of Baptism and First Communion. I was once a catechumen myself. I enjoy sharing in the spiritual journey they will take. No I don’t desire they be brainwashed into spreading hate towards the LGBTQ community. I prefer if the Pope would reform the church’s stance on those issues more definitively but as it stands I will take what I can get.

That being said I don’t concern myself much with the affairs of the Church. If the Pope ever declares trans women with homosexual desires are equal and free of sin capable of serving in the church without regard to sexuality or gender identity I may return to her comforting arms yet again. Being an outsider in the cold fumbling around for my place in the Universe is not a desirable position to be in considering I once knew where I belonged.

I can assure you I have made a deal with all my deities including Joshua that allows me to remain Christian while pursuing my Pagan faith as well. It is a strange place to be but know this, I have no ill will towards the Church as a whole nor it’s individual adherents rather the leadership and some of it’s more harmful teachings. I am mostly antagonistic towards the hateful, outspoken openly bigoted Evangelical branches of Christianity. I am specifically waging war, spiritually speaking, with the Baptist Church. My reasons are my own. But that is the most harmful of sects in the religion in my estimation. I have no clue what war with the baptists looks like at the moment.

I write this for my own clarity as well. Because I will attend Mass on Sundays as I find the desire to do so. I will fulfill my annual Obligation to partake in the Sacrament of the Eucharist. I will pray to Joshua as I see fit. These are things I will do in addition to my celebrating Imbolc to my Goddess Brigid. Things I do separate from my casting of spells, reading of tarot, divinations or even my communion with other spirits even those of a darker nature. I walk this spiritual path knowing full well what may come of my soul. I do it for me, no one else.

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Stephanie Bri

A transgender writer who also does podcasts and videos. If you like my writing please consider helping me survive. You can support me directly by giving money to my paypal: thetransformerscollector@yahoo.com. If you prefer CashApp my handle is @Stephaniebri22. Also feel free to donate to my Patreon. I know it's largely podcast-centric but every little bit helps. Find it by going to www.patreon.com/stephaniebri, Thank you.