Month: October 2021

I am flat out not going to get into the Dave Chappelle stuff. That guy can fuck himself and that’s all I have to say about that. What I want to discuss is the response Netflix has taken regarding the backlash.

I was reading some articles online yesterday, one in particular caught my eye. It had a response from some higher ups within Netflix who basically shrugged it off as the specials make them money so they’re fine with them.

That is the bigger issue here. It’s not about should a comedian have the right to spew hate towards a marginalized group. As much as we find that disgusting, it is protected free speech in some regards. Not free speech I support but I won’t get into that right now. The bigger issue is how profitable hate speech itself has become. The very fact these specials where he dumps on trans people are so popular Netflix dares not remove them is telling. It says to me that our culture values their own feelings over everyone else, and it reminds me of the dangers of capitalism. Someone of African descent should know all to well what lengths rich white guys will go to in order to obtain wealth. Maybe he forgot that part of our countries history?

It is also telling that his “comedy” is so well received. It goes back to my first point, how the majority take comfort in our suffering. It is a reality trans men and women know all to well. It isn’t just the fact his special exist that is the issue, but that they are so popular the capitalists are celebrating their success. That sickens me. It further reinforces why we are under constant attack. All this shit head has been has done is given the fucknuts more fuel for their vitriolic assault on our rights.

He is giving them justification to attack us. That is the real danger. When people compare the plight of LGBTQ+ people to that of African Americans it includes LGBTQ+ people of color. We know all to well how deadly being a black trans woman is in this country, yet this asshat conveniently forgot that. It’s almost as if he say the political climate and realized he could get rich dumping on us, his soul be damned he pocket book was about to be fat and that’s all that mattered to him.

You may notice I often refrain from profanity in my writings. While I often drop F-bombs on my podcast or in YouTube videos, I try to keep this clean, for the most part. I can’t write about Dave Fucking Dumb Ass Chappelle without calling him an asshat piece of shit fucknuts capitalist tool. It would be irresponsible for me to do so otherwise. This shit has got to stop. Yes we need to band together to boycott his filth and stop giving a platform to haters. That is the real issue. Netflix ignores the countless hours of transphobic content on their site because they threw us a couple bones to “prove” their commitment to diversity. Bullshit they are slaves to Capitalism and the almighty profit not us. Look at how they are treating their trans employees who spoke out about it. That more than anything pisses me off. It further proves they value profits over our safety. Now those employees are publicly blasted and could very well become targets of violence themselves. Right now I am beyond disgusted with Netflix more so than the bigot they gave a platform too. And there is the problem. Capitalism is larger then all of us and until we change that system hate will always be profitable in a country filled with haters.

If you put a group of conservatives in the same room chances are high you can predict how they are going to come down on different issues. Although there are some divisions between Neo-Nazis and libertarians, for the most part conservatives tend to be fairly unified on most issues. 

This isn’t the case with those on the left. While you might find some unity on things like human rights or the important of democracy, we tend to be far more divided on things than our right-leaning counterparts. We have divisions within our own ranks. I have met liberals who support gun control measures but we can’t agree on how far to go. Environmentalists tear each other apart over issues from veganism to sustainable energy. About the only thing conservatives are divided on is which scapegoat they want to blame for their problems. 

I never really considered myself a liberal necessarily. I tend to tell people I am a progressive, environmentalist, socialist, humanitarian with strong support for LGBT issues. Naturally within each of those there is infighting. How far left does a progressive go before becoming a liberal? Where do we draw the line on acceptable environmental impact for human comfort versus the extreme of eco-fascism?  Even when it comes to socialism we have those who think communism is the end goal while others who push for reigning in capitalism without completely reforming the entire system. 

Who am I? What is this? I am not a political pundit or even an expert in any field. What I am is a progressive who desires to improve the world we live in. I am disillusioned by the infighting within our own ranks. I even see this in the broader LGBTQ+ community. I discovered this shortly after beginning to appear as a former co-host/side-kick on the Transposed Podcast. I recognized the divisions were tearing our own community apart. It was recently I started paying closer attention to divisions in the environmentalist ranks.

What I started to realize were threads where a left-leaning or liberal-minded individual would try to engage with a conservative on some topic or another. As others on the left would chime in instead of uniting to dismantle the cons argument, the liberals would slowly divulge into tearing each other apart as one group said that wasn’t far enough, others suggest the con had x point but it needed to be refined, to those who just sounded like they were unwilling to risk being branded as liberals. I see this time and again. I saw it a lot during my time moderating the social media accounts for the news organizations where I worked in the past. 

Everyone knows the trope. Don’t dive into the comments of a news article because of all the fighting. But I noticed a pattern develop more often than not. You have the conservatives on the right putting up a united front, save for the divisions between blatant bigots and those more subtle in their bigotry, against a divided left that ranged from let’s try to get along to compromise is equal to complacency. This is where we are weaker. We stop fighting our political rivals in favor or fighting amongst ourselves. This gets to be exhausting as threads turn into shouting matches riddled with constant name-calling.

This is not to say there aren’t divisions on the right. There are. If you put a Protestant, Evangelical and Catholic in the same room, throw a representative of the LDS church and a member of the Watch Tower, they’ll rip each other apart arguing over theology. But when it comes to politics they tend to set aside their differences and unite under causes those on the left champion. Even on the left when it comes to reproductive rights you have those who favor abortion for all against others who say only in cases of rape or incest yet still those who say ban it out right. On the right they’re fairly united against it in nearly all cases for the most part. 

This is the same with LGBT issues. On the left we have infighting among TERFS, Gender Criticals  and the “LGB without the T” movements against the LGBTQIA+ crowd, the kink or no kink crowd, the fighting between sexual orientation and gender identities and so on and so forth. What we see on the right tends to be if it’s not cishet it’s just flat out wrong. As despicable as the right are in the majority of their views, they have us beat in unity. Oh you could bring up the Never-Trumpers as “proof” they’re not that united yet the cowards all hid behind the red MAGA flags when that troll rose to power.

We can argue all day long how hypocritical it is for those who claim to be Patriots refusing to accept a vaccine THEIR OWN government they proclaim to be patriotic towards helped develop. It does no good to remind them that this vaccine was developed by the same “American exceptionalism” they chant at those MAGA rallies when bragging about how we eradicated polio or how we “own” the space race. It doesn’t matter because the anti-vaxxers are all united under the banner of “smaller government” and that’s been their mantra since at least the Reagan years. 

Not so on the left. It does us no good because when we try to belittle their attacks or disprove their misinformation with facts we quickly devolve into our own arguments on how broken the health care system is. It doesn’t matter how effective the vaccine is when we’re too busy fighting over how far Medicare for all should go or too busy attacking the capitalists who are profiting off the development of the vaccine in the first place.

Sure we’re united on vaccine is good, anti-vaxxers are stupid but our tactics tend to eventually pit us against ourselves rather than making any progress. Which is why liberalism and progressivism are doomed to fail. We have to find some common ground, issues we CAN united under and push those, piece by piece, while we find ways to diplomatically resolve our own differences. Until then we can surely expect a red wave to sweep this nation again once the disgust with Trump has worn off, replaced by constant reminders how “confusing” liberals are. If we can’t stop fighting out selves how can we defeat our enemies?

Depression is a demon all LGBT individuals have to face from time-to-time. Some of us struggle with it more than others. Whether we face it alone, with others or we offer support to someone else who is struggling, it is a regular part of our daily lives.

One of the causes for depression among trans gender individuals are societal and family issues often preventing us from beginning our transition journey to become our authentic selves. Sometimes the gender dysphoria and the negative feelings it causes within us can bring us to tears. Often times it can be so overwhelming we lose ourselves.

Even though being snowed under the weight of depression, anxiety and dysphoria can cause us all to buckle under, one area that can also get us as down is our efforts to lift up one another. One of my trans sisters pointed out her and I were both holding each other up while our foundation was made out of straw and we collapsed whenever it rained. The problem is I couldn’t hold her up when I had fallen nor could she when it was I who stumbled. This is evident whenever we try to prop up a fellow trans brother or sister while we are ourselves on our own knees trying to stand back up.

One of my most trusted sisters told me that despite the front she often puts on, she is far from as strong as people think. So many people are leaning on her I see her often buckle under the weight. This has gotten me down whenever I am on the floor crying and I have to wipe off my own tears and try my best to comfort a friend in need. This is a part of life, however. I am a firm believer nobody has it figured out. We’re all just trying to get through it all in our own way.

What can we do? Listen when your friends come to you. Be there. Offer a thoughtful suggestion if they ask but sometimes just paying attention to them can go a long ways in standing out in their minds. Also one thing I emphasize is check in on your friends. We’re all hurting. Sometimes I will go out of my way to check in on my friends. But, I get down myself when nobody I care about takes the time to reach out to me. I will never ignore or neglect anyone even if it takes me a while to get back to you. In the meantime never be afraid to lift one another up. We all need it from time to time.

Ever since I began my spiritual journey into paganism I have been at a loss for how I wanted to proceed in regards to deities. I began simply as a Catholic desiring to practice magic (witchcraft) due to my calling to nature and chaos magic. This has eventually, along side constant bombardment by Christ-followers attacking me for being trans, led me down a path that pushed me to shun their practice.

When I sat out to determine the canon I was going to follow, or official sources if you will, I wanted to ensure the cult (in broadest sense non-mainstream religion) was going to offer me the spiritual fulfilment I was seeking while allowing me to pursue the magical arts.

This will be a series of deities I have chosen to induct if you will into my own personal “canon” which will serve each a role in my craft, practice and worship in some capacity. I chose 12 spirits to revere, mostly goddesses, one God and a single spirit animal. I selected the number 12 as it is sacred to me personally. It has always been my favorite number and has meaning to me beyond a merely pretty looking numeral.

I will devote an entire article to each spirit I chose to revere or choose to incorporate into my magic. For various reasons I limited myself to mostly female entities. There were a few who I believed called to me that I had a falling out with and have since moved on. As this series progresses I will reveal, one by one, each spirit and what they mean to me and why they were chosen.

The list is quite curated and I am bursting with anticipation to share why each one was selected as well as the role they will play in my life. Some will get more time than others. Only four are going to enter my daily rituals in some form. These are not necessarily ranked in order of most to least important but they are sort of ranked in order that I discovered them.

The 12 Gods and Goddesses that will make up my cult of witchcraft and paganistic rituals:

1.  Yahweh and his son Joshua

I will use the Hebrew names to revere and worship the first deity I ever gave my heart to. For now this Trinity of Gods, the Holy Spirit included, will get my heart daily but will receive my worship on Sundays, the Lords Day.

2. Brigid

The triple Goddess who called to me recently. The daughter of the Phantom Queen whom revealed herself to me in a dream, Brigid is a fire deity as well as goddess of poetry and smithing. As such she holds a special place in my art as a crafter of words and things. She will get daily devotions and sacrifices.

3. Gaia

The Mother Earth herself. As a nature witch it is only fitting I include the spirit of nature in my practice. She will get honor and reverence on a daily basis as well.

4. The Bear

This is not a deity rather my spirit animal I will call upon it for strength and courage as needed.

5. Luna

The moon goddess. She rules over the night. I will rely upon her for moon magic. Mostly charging things I will use for spells. I will also devote the Full Moons to her save those that fall on holidays, those she will be honored but not exclusively.

6. Hecate

The goddess of witchcraft. As a witch it is only fitting I honor her. She will be one I will make a concerted effort to please as she will be one who I call upon frequently during spells.

7-8 Athena and Venus

To Greek goddesses I selected for their status in mythology. I will honor them on their respective days as well as call upon as needed.

9. Virgo (Astraea)

The goddess of my birth. I was born under her sign, I will revere her and call on her during that month.

10. Ostara

The goddess Easter is named after. She will get her own holiday but shall share the time with Joshua. Other than that I will revere her as I desire.

11. Greek Muses

Not a single entity but rather a collective in a way. I will do more reading into them but for now consider this essentially a placeholder.

12. Artemus

Not the least of the goddesses but the last I found. I picked her to complete the canon but she was also on a list that I felt was important to me.

The three spirits I will commune with not listed above, not deities nor my spirit animal per se. These I will not worship but my call upon for spells or other uses as needed or just talk to to seek knowledge or wisdom. Dryads or Nymphs, aka tree spirits. Obviously as a nature witch I already talk to trees. Fairies or Fey, those creatures of Celtic mythology most of which are themselves close to nature. And the spirit of cats, I just love cats.

Starting HRT is a tremendous part of any transgender, nonbinary or genderfluid persons life we nearly all mark it on our calendar the day we get to start. It is so important to us we celebrate our anniversary of when we get our first dose. For many it’s aspirational, our end goal we all seek. For others it is a detriment, a source of anxiety and despair for want but lack of access.

Hormone replacement therapy is one of the absolutely most basic forms of healthcare for trans individuals. Even though it is something nearly all of us crave, it’s not very well understood. For starters there are tons of gate keepers trying to prevent us from gaining access to the healthcare we seek.

Then there is the matter of science. Because HRT is so difficult to obtain it means there is a small sample group for scientists to study. This means we don’t have good science regarding the effects of HRT.

We all hear results are not typical. Every trans person knows going in that there are unknown variables. We hope it will feminize us if we are MfT or masc us up if we are FtM. The whole unknown is one of the reasons gate keepers use for withholding care. The argument goes it’s a risky transformation that a lot of medical professionals, for one reason or another, do not feel qualified to prescribe due to lack of knowledge. Of course this is a problem. How can we study the effects if we keep access away from people who need it. This is especially true for children and teenagers.

I am not going to make a plea to the powers that be in the political spectrum as to why we need easier access. I suspect my audience is largely, if not exclusively, LGBT readers. Thus I am preaching to the choir and therefore not likely to enact change. Sure by me writing about it the search engines will have one more blog that is Trans-positive to reference but again my readership is so small I’ll hardly make an impact on said algorithms.

This brings me back to the same issue. We all get our information from one another. We have to seek out other trans people who are similar to us enough we can hope their experience should align somewhat with ours. Unfortunately this is bad science. It’s more or less trial and error. Which means we are all ourselves guinea pig who are experimenting upon ourselves. The issue here is again there are no scientific studies follow or tracking our progress. Our testimonials are anecdotal and unreliable at best. This puts us at further risk because we are essentially putting ourselves at risk despite the warnings because we desire HRT so much. The pull, the call to change our genders to match our internal feelings is so strong being unable to receive this care causes us intense mental health issues.

You can tell cis people all day long how difficult it is to not get access to HRT. Often times we do this expecting that if we point out how deadly it is to withhold care they will have sympathy and be more supportive to allow us to get access to this care. However when you have those who don’t care about our health and safety it doesn’t matter if withholding healthcare leads to our suicides because they see that in and of itself a victory, one less tranny in the world for them to worry about I guess.

This doesn’t mean everyone is so callous. I know there are some who have religious hang ups who don’t understand the mental anguish our gender dysphoria can cause us. Some of these people do care about us but they don’t understand why lack of care leads to our suicides. They think it’s selfish or over dramatic to take your life because you can’t transition. One thing we need to do better, all trans people and trans allies, is sharing our personal stories. Our struggles absolutely can impact other peoples lives. We can’t change their minds if we don’t take the time to share with them why it’s so important to us.

As much as we don’t want to see gender dysphoria as a mental health disease, there are times where it is beneficial for us to cling to the fact it is regarded as a mental health condition that can be diagnosed.

This is where one aspect of the gate keeping could actually benefit us in the long term. By diagnosing us as having a mental health condition, I use condition rather than disorder intentionally, this puts in on the level of anxiety, depression and PTSD, topics people are increasingly aware of and familiar with. If you remind your uneducated friends that your gender dysphoria diagnosis is no different in terms of medical treatment as depression they might be more open minded to allowing trans people access to HRT.

Our long term goal is to get to the point where those who want HRT can just get it no questions asked.

We shouldn’t need a diagnosis and we shouldn’t have to jump through hoops. As it stands we are living in a system that has no room for us. The system is not designed to allow for individuals that don’t fit the stereotypes. The social norms we as trans people push back against because conformity causes us intense mental anguish. This is why we try so hard to enact change that will make gaining access easier.

I have found that telling people a licensed phycologist diagnosed me with gender dysphoria has helped some soften their anti-trans stance. It has been a somewhat effective method for opening a dialogue with those who otherwise would have been closed off entirely. This is a double-edged sword. Gate keeping in this manner prevents us from doing proper scientific studies that will demonstrate the effects and risks more accurately. On the other hand requiring us to get a diagnosis from a trusted mental health profession does at the very least put some weight behind the need for us to obtain the care we deserve. This is why having said letter is enough to help courts decide to offer us our name and gender changes when we apply.

We want to get to a place where self-reporting is sufficient. Until then I believe we need to work within the limits of the system, as much as we can, to further our cause. Eventually if we tell enough people our stories the word will get out, attitudes will change, and we’ll become normalized. Yes, this takes time and many of us are going to struggle and die as a result. I cry every night for the trans lives lost to this broken system. If you aren’t crying over that yourself I question your empathy. None of this is to say we can use other more assertive means to enact change then by all means we are fighting a war and we’re all soldiers whether we like it or not.

I don’t seek the approval of others. Contrary to how I am often perceived due to my diplomatic, at times, nature I come across as one who bends over backwards for others. This, in reality, is far from the truth. Rather I am one who goes out of my way to be myself and generally speaking gives little care to what others think of me.

This is how I learned to survive. Yes, I have had to blend in with my surroundings as that is human nature. The outcast doesn’t get very far in life. So I have had to navigate social circles I wasn’t invested in to achieve my own goals. I set out to understand the needs of my peers, exchanged whatever it was they required to form bonds, and received that which I was after before severing ties as needed with those I had nothing in common with.

At times this comes off as selfish or cold. Perhaps it is to an extent. But survival is inherently selfish in nature. The lion doesn’t ask its prey politely can I chew on your neck if I give your kids a toy to play with? No the lion grabs a weaker animal and chows down, for it’s own survival. Likewise the prey with antlers doesn’t ask the lion for permission to slice said lions throat with it’s sharp head-weapons. It does so for it’s own survival. Humans are a part of nature. We are animals. Those who transcend the laws of nature are only fooling themselves. This is a big part of who I am. I am a survivor. I sometimes have to eat meat. I sometimes have to cut the attackers throat. I sometimes have to push a toxic person away from me and I sometimes have to swallow my pride to let someone make decisions for me while I bide my time. All of these are survival skills I learned over the years.

This is not just an LGBT trait or even a trait of the minority in a land. It is how we all survive. The strongest humans form societies that others flock to for protection. Those who don’t blend into those cultural constructs are forced to find their own spaces. Sometimes they have to be stealth. Pretending to be something or like something for the sake of getting ahead.

What is the point? Listen, I don’t always tell people what they want to hear so if you have an expectation I will only say things you like, be prepared to be sorely disappointed. I don’t go out of my way to harm others, in fact I often find myself in the role of protector even though I am not always equipped to do so. My point is if I say something that offends you or you can’t comprehend, let it go and move on. I don’t worry about what other people think. I am absolutely going to wear those who block me as a badge of honor. It tells me I spoke my mind unhindered and those who couldn’t handle what I had to say withdrew from me. I have done the same and expect nothing less than such.

If you offend me welcome to ban town, where I can move on with my life unscathed. This is not to say I don’t care about people, I do, but in the broadest sense I care about individuals, not the group as a whole. I care about my friends, family and those who can’t take care of themselves. I care about nature, which includes animals the rocks and the elements.

I care about this planet. I try to be respectful to the thing that gives me life and a home. I care not for those who don’t see me as valid or who justify harming others, including nature. If you harm the water, I care nothing for you. If you harm the sky, I care nothing for you, if you harm the trees around you, I care nothing for you.

You don’t have to justify yourself because you won’t win my approval. And that’s the key. I don’t want your approval. I sure as hell wouldn’t expect you to want mine. Unless you are someone I care about or are some I am close to, your opinions, regardless of how vile they may be, hold no power over my life.

I am overweight. By most metrics, okay by all metrics, I am obese. I absolutely fall into “fat girl” camp and I don’t usually shy away from it. I love food. I love to drink tasty sodas and such. I love to snack and I don’t get nearly enough exercise.

Earlier this summer all of this came to bite me in the ass. A rather plump ass as my girlfriend noticed this weekend during one of our zoom calls. Oh she wasn’t complaining, we were comparing and I think I won, wink. I started getting real sick in May and began puking everything I hate or drank. After a long summer of being in the dark I learned it was a combination of pre-diabetes and gastroparesis.

I am not writing about that. I’ve done that check it out in related articles if you want. What I am talking about is this fat girl culture or specifically why I am not ashamed to be overweight and why I am not taking drastic steps to lose weight.

Did I mention I love to eat? That’s an understatement. If I go to a buffet, which yes I frequent, I gorge myself on multiple plates. I have this mindset I have to eat everything they cook so I take my time and eat it all. I did this yesterday at McDonald’s. I nearly ate everything on the breakfast menu. I had the big hearty breakfast with pancakes added hashbrowns on the side with two breakfast burritos, a sausage egg and biscuit sandwich with bacon and cheese added and another hashbrown on the side and drowned it all with a large Fanta orange soda because I didn’t feel like orange juice. This is often how I eat. I over do it nearly all the time.

Recently, as in after my doctor gave me a strict diet and very restrictive instructions I started following those as best as I could. I am supposed to steer clear of dairy, glutton, soy, high amounts of carbs and sugar and spicy foods. Also off the list is caffeine and coffee. That puts me in a predicament regarding my Starbucks employment.

I stuck to those restrictions more or less for about two months. I have a coconut milk shake for breakfast, a can of soup for lunch and a single plate of whatever Robin cooked for supper. I was feeling better, exercising more and I was very much sticking to the diet. I was even cutting snacks out of my life. I felt great. I lost tons of weight and was feeling good inside. Until last week.

I hit a rough patch once the job woes and apartment stress came to a head. The closer I get to moving day the more heartburn I have thinking about everything I’m going through. It’s starting to get to me. As I often due when I am stressed I turned food for comfort. This was a bad idea as I didn’t just throw my diet out the window, I returned to all my bad habits, even adding spicy peppers and sauces to benign things I was allowed to eat. Now I am unsure if I will have the will power to get back on the path I was.

I told all this to my girlfriend and aside from restricting things that are truly dangerous for me, she basically said she supports me eating whatever makes me happy. She is concerned for my health which I agree with her on and want to try harder. But I keep going through these moments where I tell myself I am a fat girl and there’s nothing wrong with that. I tell myself my doctor gave me medications for my issues just take those, don’t over do it and eat whatever you want.

After a while another tell-tale sign of anxiety induced stress reared it’s ugly head. I stopped taking my pills. Not on purpose but as part of being overwhelmed. I just space it off. I haven’t taken any of my meds except estrodial. I even stopped taking my spiro. That’s a big deal to me. I am going to go into my Planned Parenthood doctor appointment in a couple weeks and run the risk of being taken off HRT entirely if I can’t get my medical issues under control. Which I certainly won’t do if I am binge eating every single thing on my forbidden foods list.

I don’t have anything to add. I am feeling the weight of it all and as such my own weight issues are complicating. I know I am stress eating and I am sure this is going to cause issues with my goals. Right now I am holding out hope I can snap out of my funk once I move and get back on track.

As someone who has moved more than 66 time in her life I should be prepared for this change. After all I only moved here in February this year. But I am not. I grew comfortable where I am. I felt safe here, loved here. I am not ready to return to being on my own. But I will survive.

I sat down recently and counted how many times I have moved in my life. I stopped at 66. There were likely a few I missed but I figured that was an easy number to remember. Except it was exactly ten years ago my sister and I counted it up and I was sitting at 34 moves at that time. I never thought I would double my life time moves in a mere ten years but somehow I did it. I am not proud of that.

Moving was a mixed bag as a kid. Usually we did it to leave something bad behind. Other times we did it for a fresh start. Then there were times we did it for other reasons such as needing a change. Whatever the reason was it always went through cycles of fear, then anxiety, followed by relief we were gone then stress of settling into a strange new place. 

I never cared for moving. When I bought my home two years ago I thought it was going to be where I lived out my days. I knew I couldn’t be me in public, at least not on the property because of the family land I was living on, but I had a space that was my own. I bought wood paneling to put on the walls to make it feel more like a trailer house. I bought bricks to make a path to the garden. I planted a vegetable garden and flower garden. I was building a fence to get me a goat. I was going to have a small mini farm and live out my days close to nature. That changed.

Now I am a city dweller days, mere days away from moving into a tiny apartment in Dallas. Not a suburb of Dallas, not a city in the DFW metroplex but Dallas proper. I am about to be in the think of the concrete jungle. Surrounded by man-made mountains that serve as monuments to American consumerism, nay, American capitalism. 

As a nature witch I crave closeness with Mother Earth. I desire to be surrounded by her trees. To walk, barefoot, upon her dirt and feel her grass between my toes. I ache for he quiet skies filled to the brim with stars. I desire the soothing sounds of crickets and birds quietly whispering their “I-Love-You’s” to their respective mates. I even miss the peace and quite from being so far removed from the traffic. 

I am setting off on a new adventure. This is one I can say has me scared. I have never lived in a proper city before. The largest populated area before this I lived was 47,000~ people. It was an isolated rural Mormon town in the desert of southern Idaho. I don’t long for nor miss that place but it felt big and scary to me when I lived there.

I won’t make city dwelling my permanent lifestyle. I desire to get back to the country where I can be close to nature as soon as I can. I need to develop a plan that I can stick with. Then I need to stick to the plan. I failed to do that before. I kind of stumbled into my last country home. I want my next one to be bough with a purpose. 

Right now my heart is filled with anxiety. I have to pack. I have to climb up and down three flights of stairs. I have to make phone calls to connect utilities. I have to coordinate with the cable guy to bring internet into my home. These things cause me heartburn. I have done this all too many times. I expect, yes, having a quite space all to myself will improve my mental health. It will allow me to practice my witchcraft in peace. I expect I will also enjoy having a place I can call my own. Yet I sit here afraid of being alone once more. I am afraid of standing on my own poised to fail as I’ve done time and time again. I have no other words but this move is necessary. That alone doesn’t comfort me.

Worst of all I fear my soul will wither as I move further from the nature I love.