But is it an eating disorder if you’re aware of it?

I am overweight. By most metrics, okay by all metrics, I am obese. I absolutely fall into “fat girl” camp and I don’t usually shy away from it. I love food. I love to drink tasty sodas and such. I love to snack and I don’t get nearly enough exercise.

Earlier this summer all of this came to bite me in the ass. A rather plump ass as my girlfriend noticed this weekend during one of our zoom calls. Oh she wasn’t complaining, we were comparing and I think I won, wink. I started getting real sick in May and began puking everything I hate or drank. After a long summer of being in the dark I learned it was a combination of pre-diabetes and gastroparesis.

I am not writing about that. I’ve done that check it out in related articles if you want. What I am talking about is this fat girl culture or specifically why I am not ashamed to be overweight and why I am not taking drastic steps to lose weight.

Did I mention I love to eat? That’s an understatement. If I go to a buffet, which yes I frequent, I gorge myself on multiple plates. I have this mindset I have to eat everything they cook so I take my time and eat it all. I did this yesterday at McDonald’s. I nearly ate everything on the breakfast menu. I had the big hearty breakfast with pancakes added hashbrowns on the side with two breakfast burritos, a sausage egg and biscuit sandwich with bacon and cheese added and another hashbrown on the side and drowned it all with a large Fanta orange soda because I didn’t feel like orange juice. This is often how I eat. I over do it nearly all the time.

Recently, as in after my doctor gave me a strict diet and very restrictive instructions I started following those as best as I could. I am supposed to steer clear of dairy, glutton, soy, high amounts of carbs and sugar and spicy foods. Also off the list is caffeine and coffee. That puts me in a predicament regarding my Starbucks employment.

I stuck to those restrictions more or less for about two months. I have a coconut milk shake for breakfast, a can of soup for lunch and a single plate of whatever Robin cooked for supper. I was feeling better, exercising more and I was very much sticking to the diet. I was even cutting snacks out of my life. I felt great. I lost tons of weight and was feeling good inside. Until last week.

I hit a rough patch once the job woes and apartment stress came to a head. The closer I get to moving day the more heartburn I have thinking about everything I’m going through. It’s starting to get to me. As I often due when I am stressed I turned food for comfort. This was a bad idea as I didn’t just throw my diet out the window, I returned to all my bad habits, even adding spicy peppers and sauces to benign things I was allowed to eat. Now I am unsure if I will have the will power to get back on the path I was.

I told all this to my girlfriend and aside from restricting things that are truly dangerous for me, she basically said she supports me eating whatever makes me happy. She is concerned for my health which I agree with her on and want to try harder. But I keep going through these moments where I tell myself I am a fat girl and there’s nothing wrong with that. I tell myself my doctor gave me medications for my issues just take those, don’t over do it and eat whatever you want.

After a while another tell-tale sign of anxiety induced stress reared it’s ugly head. I stopped taking my pills. Not on purpose but as part of being overwhelmed. I just space it off. I haven’t taken any of my meds except estrodial. I even stopped taking my spiro. That’s a big deal to me. I am going to go into my Planned Parenthood doctor appointment in a couple weeks and run the risk of being taken off HRT entirely if I can’t get my medical issues under control. Which I certainly won’t do if I am binge eating every single thing on my forbidden foods list.

I don’t have anything to add. I am feeling the weight of it all and as such my own weight issues are complicating. I know I am stress eating and I am sure this is going to cause issues with my goals. Right now I am holding out hope I can snap out of my funk once I move and get back on track.

Published by

Stephanie Bri

A transgender writer who also does podcasts and videos.