A brief run down of my morning panic attack

I woke up feeling depressed again for no good reason. I filled out the intake form to talk to a mental health professional my insurance covers. Once I got to the part where I pay my portion I was overwhelmed at how expensive it was. In that moment I went into panic. Why does insurance not pay for shit? Why does mental health even cost money in the first place? I freaked out and went on a Twitter rampage.

After a few minutes I had settled down. This is a common cycle for me. Before I would bottle it all up, hit the wall and scream into my pillow. Among other things living with a married couple has put limits on my coping mechanisms. I can’t get my sister to understand I have no coping skills right now. The things I do I can’t do because I am in someone else’s house. So I struggle.

Earlier in the summer I had a therapist I was talking to once a week. She was great and I always felt better after our sessions. But then I took a new job where it became difficult for us to continue our sessions so we mutually agreed to terminate our relationship. This left me sans coping mechanisms and without anyone to talk to.

Sure I have my sister but she is going through her own challenges. She can’t provide me support, her support is made out of straw and it’s been raining on her since we met. I’ve been working, hard, to improve. I keep busy. I find time for myself, I met a wonderful woman who makes me beyond happy, and yet I still find myself getting overwhelmed. It’s frustrating. I know I need help but I can’t seem to find it. I get told try harder. Believe me if I could I would. I am screaming on top of my lungs in my head to do better but nothing works.

I don’t know where all of this comes from. I understand the PTSD I went through hell as a kid. I get the anxiety, people make me nervous. The depression confuddles me. Aside from feeling lonely, which I now have help with, I have little to complain about, so why do I feel like I am worthless sinking into a abyss of despair every day when I wake up? Some days I hide it or cover it up but as my girlfriend pointed out, I kinda wear my emotions on my sleeve. This, naturally, has cost me more than my share of jobs.

I know I need help. I know I outta qualify for state assistance but they don’t make it easy. I need someone to walk me through the process but there isn’t anyone to do that. I need someone to offer me step-by-step instructions but they insist I figure it out myself. Then, I get distracted and forget to follow up. I’ll start feeling better and dismiss it as a moment of disillusion I needed to get over.

The truth is I recognize I need help. I just don’t have the skills necessary to seek it out on my own. I fear not getting help will continue to compound my problems.

Published by

Stephanie Bri

A transgender writer who also does podcasts and videos.