I wish I could tell you what day of the week it was or anything specific about what I ate that day. I can’t unfortunately as my memory is fading. What I can tell you is it was a unique feeling I wasn’t sure how to express at the time.
What I do remember was sitting in my bedroom with stolen clothes. I had taken a single pair of panties, one bra a nightgown and one red dress. I know it was in the middle of the day because it was sunny outside and my sisters were all outside flying kites in the field behind our house. We lived in a trailer park in the countryside of rural Kansas. We used to play outside the wheat field. It was a lot of fun back then.
I distinctly remember putting on the panties and instantly feeling a rush of emotions. It was a mixture of giddy, excitement, fear, shame guilt, thrill, and bliss all rolled up into one. I later learned this was euphoria. It was my first time in 11 years on this planet ever experiencing euphoria. I knew that to be true at the time because it was a brand new feeling to me. I put on all the other clothes and began rolling around on the bed laughing to myself “Oh my god I am a girl” and then I’d giggle.
In my mind I began realizing if I was a girl, and I was attracted to girls, it must meant one thing, I had to be a lesbian. Now as a teenager I had guy friends who often would joke how they were a “lesbian trapped in a mans body” yet secretly I knew, that was me.
I hid those panties and the bra under my mattress thinking mom would never find it. The dress I returned because I knew my sister would miss it sooner or later. The night gown stayed under the covers. From that day forward I made it a point to go out of my way to spend as much time alone as I could in my bedroom in my girl clothes. It became an obsession of mine.
I remember that same day sitting there on my bed in that dress fantasizing about the day I would come home from work, in a dress, kiss my wife on the cheek, then take my kids to the park. I imagined a perfectly normal life. The only difference was I was a girl and so was my partner. I didn’t have a concept of sex yet. I sorta knew the basics I mean I knew the mechanics but not the specifics. Just enough to get me into trouble I should say. Nevertheless my day dreams didn’t involve lesbian sex. Heck even after I grew up and had to fight off my “male libido” I still fantasized I was the woman. Always. No need in sugar coating it in my mind I was female. I just knew and that day I had confirmation.
Today I identify as a transgender, bisexual, queer woman. I don’t know if I am asexual and biromantic I am still contemplating that. What do know is this. I was 11 years old the day I confirmed I was a girl.
Stephanie Bri 