If I told you that as a trans woman I also find myself a non-conformist you probably wouldn’t be very shocked. I mean after all being trans by its very nature goes against well what some people would argue is nature. Of course those people are small-minded.
One of the things that I resisted for so long purely on a cultural level and then I wouldn’t do it because it was the thing to do was drink coffee. Now that’s not to say I wouldn’t order a cup at Starbucks if I ever took a girl on a date because asking a girl to coffee is the standard go to American date for some reason. Well the other standard I guess first date is buy her a drink at the bar but I was never much of a bar person.
What are the other reasons why I avoided drinking coffee was because it was gross I never had a cup of coffee that I thought tasted good. Of course that changed when I went to work for a newspaper where there were coffee snobs who insisted on having good, good quality coffee I should say. This gave me the opportunity to actually taste a cup of coffee that wasn’t horrible. I want to go back to the whole buying a girl coffee at Starbucks thing well since I never liked coffee I never really explored my options and would always let the other girl order first and then order whatever she ordered. It wasn’t a move or anything it was just I had no idea what coffee was good.
It goes a little deeper than that though. My whole resistance to coffee as a form of protest started in my childhood. My parents are obsessed with it. They would each drink a pot of coffee every morning before they even woke up or I guess before they could do anything after waking up. I never wanted to be like that I always wanted to be someone who could just open their eyes and get out of bed fresh and ready to go and I have been that way most of my life. So a part of it for me was just not wanting to be like my parents for the sake of being different and the more my parents told me oh when you grow up you’ll drink coffee the more I resisted especially into my 30s when I was becoming my own person.
I also found there was another reason why I resisted coffee so long. In a way it was kind of political. I intentionally avoided tea because it was supposedly patriotic to do so you know Americans drink coffee we don’t drink tea but I also avoided coffee for that same reason I didn’t want to be drinking a patriotic drink either. So for me it was don’t drink the Patriotic tea that would identify one as British and don’t drink the Patriotic coffee because I didn’t want to make any political statements. I guess that in itself could have been construed as a political statement as in a form of resistance or even protest in some ways although I’m not sure if that was a conscious decision.
But one of the most obvious in probably glaring reasons why I didn’t like to drink coffee and why I insisted on drinking soda instead for my caffeine intake was purely childish. And I don’t mean childish in the sense that I was being stubborn. I meant more in the sense that I didn’t want to grow up I wanted to stay childlike pretty much forever that was my goal. That’s why I stay stuck in my childhood I play with and collect toys from my past I read comic books from the 80s and I mostly watch movies from that time period. And I watch cartoons from time to time and not anime like the so-called grown up kids do or the cool kids whatever but no I insisted on staying in the same mindset and experiences I had as a kid I intentionally chose to not grow up as much as possible.
So why did I decide to buy a coffee maker and start drinking the stuff semi-regularly? Especially now that I’m more cynical about American patriotism than I was before and most importantly as I become a visible member of the trans community I become more involved in more outspoken I also become more against the social norms. Well there’s a simple reason. Let me explain.
A few weeks ago I made the decision that I want to adopt a child. I knew I was going to have to make changes in my life to make that become a reality. I also knew I was going to have to make some changes in my life that convinced me I was ready to move forward becoming an adult to become a responsible parent so that I could take on a child and be her mother. And that’s when I decided that I wanted to buy a coffee maker not just because it was the grown-up thing to do it was a symbol for me.
That symbol has what has been driving me this whole time these last few weeks. It’s the reason why I insisted on spending money on exercise equipment and actually opening it up and forcing myself to use it. It’s the same reason why I sold all of my video games. It’s the same reason why I’ve stuck with my new diet this past week and I’ve made changes in my shopping habits to promote that new diet. It’s the reason why I reached out to all of my contacts to help me piece together a demo reel so I could begin applying for news reporter jobs as I reached Beyond my previous experiences.
I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. And that desire to hold my baby in my arms and to coddle her to love her to protect her and raised her and mother her that’s my only motivation right now and I’ll do anything I have to do everything I have to do to make that a reality. The real reason why I bought a coffee pot is to that end and it’s not just symbolic. I want to stop drinking soda I want to wean myself off of it and in order to do that I’m going to need coffee provide my body with the caffeine I’m going to need to move forward. And so everything I do every decision I make every move I make from now until the day I have my child in my life I will do everything towards that end. Because I assure you God willing I’m going to be a mother. And nothing is going to stand in my way. Mama bird has been woken and she’s fierce.
Stephanie Bri 