The changing heart beats with the tides of time

I remember my first crush. Her name was Rachel Penn. I was in the first grade. She had strawberry blonde hair and the cutest freckles. Unfortunately I don’t remember much else beyond that as my other memories of her have been lost to time.

You often hear people say it’s better to have loved and lost then never have loved at all. That’s up there was other platitudes like heart knows what the heart wants or even follow your heart. None of those are incredibly helpful. Especially when you’re dealing with a situation involving a person who is undergoing a metamorphosis.

Before I started transitioning I did extensive research and I talked to other people online who went through what I was about to go through. I wanted to know what other people who took this journey experienced. Even though everyone told something different and they all basically said your results will vary , I still find myself being caught off guard by the changes I’m feeling.

I knew once I started hormones I was going to feel things I’ve never felt before. I can honestly say I’ve cried more tears in the four months that I’ve been on estrogen then I have in the 37 years of my life prior to that milestone. I feel things I’ve never felt before some good and some not as good.

I’ve always questioned my gender identity knowing that I never felt comfortable with the stereotypes. But I never really stopped to question my sexuality. When I was 11 years old tell myself I was a girl but I also said I was a lesbian because I was attracted to girls, or so I thought.

I do remember the first time thinking a boy was cute. It was that same first grade class his name was Marvin Wisehopple. At the time he was probably one of my best friends. His parents were friends with my parents. His mom babysat me and my sisters from time to time while my mom babysat him and his sisters also from time to time. I remember the day he came into class wearing glasses and remember being smitten. I quickly buried those feelings. It wouldn’t be until I was a teenager watching boy meets World before I would reconsider my feelings on male to male relationships.

Although I never had any Hang-Ups about lesbians or even bisexual females I still had an aversion to the idea being gay or the very least attracted to boys, perhaps bisexual.

A lot of things have changed since I started taking hormones. Some of them are physical breast development and softening of my skin which I am very appreciative of I’m grateful for.

Something happened the other day that changed everything I’ve ever thought or felt. I found myself considering not only the possibility maybe falling for a guy. But I actually found myself attracted to a specific person, a male friend I would have never considered a potential romantic partner. Well, I now find myself going Beyond curiosity. I find myself going Beyond even considering the possibility. I found myself smack dab in the middle of a crush, an infatuation in other words I began feeling romantic attraction to this person, this man.

If I’m being completely honest it’s not like I haven’t explored certain feelings through shall we say sexual fantasies. There’s a difference between arousal and a romantic attraction. The two are not interchangeable but they’re also not entirely disconnected.

I find myself yet again at a crossroad on a path I cannot follow. A path I cannot Traverse lightly. Because I find myself caught in the middle of wanting to consider the possibility of a romantic relationship with him. But, whatever happens I absolutely do not wish to jeopardize the friendship. Because I’d rather have him in my life as a friend then not at all. I’ve been here before developing very strong feelings for someone who doesn’t return them my way.

Whatever happens I want to tell him how I feel. How much she means to me as a friend. And let him know that I would never do anything to damage the friendship we have. But let him know if he ever decides to risk it seeking something better, closer even more real; I feel like I want to give him the chance to make that decision himself. Tell him how I feel. Let him make up his own mind on how to move forward if at all.

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Stephanie Bri

A transgender writer who also does podcasts and videos. If you like my writing please consider helping me survive. You can support me directly by giving money to my paypal: If you prefer CashApp my handle is @Stephaniebri22. Also feel free to donate to my Patreon. I know it's largely podcast-centric but every little bit helps. Find it by going to, Thank you.