Yesterday was Trans Day of Remembrance. I struggled all day to figure out what I wanted to do for the community for the day. I thought about doing a vlog but felt I’ve uploaded some really long videos lately and didn’t figure people were ready for more videos so soon. I thought about trying a stream of me playing some retro Sega games and chatting about trans awareness but I couldn’t get the streams configured properly so I threw in the towel. Ultimately I decided to write down my thoughts instead. I know this is a little late but I am staying awake all night so for me, it’s still Monday even if the clock says it’s Tuesday now.
I don’t wanna make this day about me. While I am struggling in many ways similar to most trans people I know the purpose of the day is to remember those we’ve lost to violence and suicide.
A few years ago before I came out publicly I met a 12 year old trans girl who was living in a hateful home in Texas. She reached out to me on Twitter and despite getting into trouble with my employer, I spent my entire work day chatting with her via DMs because she was contemplating taking her life. In the end I lost her and that really messed me up. I was so heartbroken this girl was in such a position of turmoil she saw the only way out was to take her life. That sorta thing sticks with you.
I try to be a visible force for good in the trans community. While I have shifted away from covering trans-specific issues I believe my efforts to normalize us by producing content that is indistinguishable from non-trans voices it would show the world we’re just like them, regular normal people trying to live our lives. My desire, my hope is this will provide a path for young and closeted trans individuals who are struggling to find their way in this world.
I don’t have a ton of examples of people I’ve lost. I have lost a few good trans people but I don’t have the emotional fortitude right now to dig up all those stories today. Honestly one reason I shied away from the greater trans community is my goal of helping normalize us is to exist, as my authentic self, but not exclusively as a trans person. For me trans kids especially need to see other trans people who are like them. Gamers talking about video games. Comic book fans sharing their favorite comic stories. Horror fans discussing the ins and outs of their favorite horror movies. Whatever it is that interests you trans youth need to see trans voices who share those interests who’s entire identity isn’t centered around them just being trans.
I came to this conclusion last year when I came across an article of another trans teenager who took her life in a very visible way. I remember the outpouring of support her family received from our larger community. The saddest part of that story is her family didn’t even know she was trans. She didn’t know they would have been supportive. They themselves said they didn’t even think about it because they had no idea their kid was trans.
This is why we need to normalize trans people as regular people. We also need to increase awareness of the fears and hardships we face so good, well intentioned people can find the courage to tell their kids they will be accepted if they ever do discover they are trans. Parents need to nurture an environment where a young trans person who is questioning their identity can feel safe exploring that identity with the loving support of their family.
I wanna share a couple examples from my own life of trans people who went through this. I won’t share names or specifics to protect their identities but I will tell as much of their stories as I need to for this article.
The first is a transwoman I met online who was only partially out to her family. She is an older trans woman past her youth who was afraid to tell her whole family she was trans out of fear it would disrupt her living situation. This woman found herself at an unavoidable crossroads. She wanted to take her transition to the next level, medically transitioning and she knew she wasn’t going to be able to hide that from her family for long. Fortunately she found herself in the welcoming arms of a loving family who has shown her nothing but support ever since. Even now she tells me her family members she was worried about have said they had no idea the troubles trans people face. Her story educated her own local family turning them into supporters of the community as a whole.
Another trans woman I know went through a similar situation but it wasn’t her family she was worried about losing. It was her spouse. She wrestled with telling her significant other she needed to transition for a long time and it led to mental health issues for her. When she did finally confide in her partner she was also welcomed with open arms. Now her and her partner are a healthy lesbian couple.
These heartwarming stories are rare but the fact is, they aren’t heartwarming at all. We shouldn’t have to be relieved for our community members who find themselves in the embrace of supportive family. Our family support should be a given. Put it another way when I first came out publicly my co-workers were quick to tell me how brave I was. But the thing is I shouldn’t have to be brave just to exist as my authentic self. Likewise no trans person no matter how young or old they are should ever face the fear of uncertainty that comes with telling their family. We should just all assume our families will loves us no matter what.
I feel our gay and lesbian brothers, sisters and others have had a little more time to find acceptance in society to the point where coming out as gay isn’t nearly as difficult as it was in decades past. However even our gay and lesbian friends and family still have to face those same fears.
On days like this, special days set aside for trans people we sometimes get caught up in our own struggle we forget the rest of the rainbow family that is going through their own struggles. We get so wrapped up in trans issues we neglect our bisexual and asexual community members.
We often find ourselves dismissive of gay and lesbian queers because we see it as they fought for and won their rights. We see it as now is our time and we brush them aside forgetting that, while things are better for them now than they were in the past, they’re still difficult for all of us.
So on what this Trans Day of Remembrance let’s absolutely do our best to honor and respect the trans lives we’ve lost. But let’s not brush aside our other queer friends and family in doing so. We’re all in this together. We’re all fighting for the same thing, the right to be treated like human beings with basic human rights. SO yes let’s remember the trans and gender non-confirming lives we’ve lost, let’s also take time to remember the rest of the queer community to.
We need to reach out to the rest of the community in times like this. One to get their support for our struggles but also reminding them they have our support in their continued struggles too. Let’s show the bigots the power of love that rainbow flag represents.
Let’s be stronger than the bigots expect us to be. They know we’re going to take our lives, that is literally what they want. We have to defeat them buy surviving. That is how we win. We refuse to go away and we force them to accept us as equals rather than as a burden they wanna be rid of. Only then will queer kids of all colors of that rainbow find the love an acceptance from their families as a universal expectation rather than a heartwarming exception.
Stephanie Bri 