I could start of with what even are dreams but this is not an essay on dream studies, whichever science that may be. This is a complex dive into the dreams that plague me as a person. Those flashing images that haunt my sleepless nights.
I have 2 reoccurring dreams I classify as nightmares. The first is of me being hunted. The details differ from dream to dream but the theme remains the same every time. Some evil force is chasing me trying to kill me. In some dreams this evil force is literal Nazi’s trying to take me to wherever they killed queer people. In some dreams the evil force is zombies trying to infect me with the virus that afflicts them. In some dreams it is a gangster, mob boss, corrupt cop or other “bad guy with a gun” trying to put bullets into my body. The specifics are not the point of the dream. What matters is something bad is always chasing me trying to do bad things to me. I have literally had some variation of this dream every single night since I was at least 16 years old.
The second reoccurring dream I classify as a nightmare is my being back in high school. This one is complicated because again the details differ with each instance of this dream but the theme is always the same. I am my age as I am now, whichever point in time I have had that dream I was that age so at 28 I was 28 in the dream in high school, etc. Then I fail an assignment I spend most of the dream struggling to complete. During my subsequent thrashing from the teacher for “not living up to my potential” I suddenly realize, wait minute I already got my GED what the hell am I doing in high school? I then walk out and continue the dream elsewhere.
I classify this as a nightmare for a couple of reasons. First my time in high school was not pleasant. Sure it is true I was the most popular kid in my school. Okay but to be fair there were only 50 kids in my school and the only measure I had of being popular was I was elected student council president and everybody knew who I was. I was also a staple at all the parties because I could DJ, breakdance and rap on the mic. I was an entertainer. But this was not an easy proposition mind you. First I had to, let’s face it, bully, step on, push down and walk on top of other people to get to the top. This was not a good time for me because I was a lousy person and I don’t get pleasure remembering this time in my life.
Second of all my time in and immediately following high school was crime ridden. I dare not go into details but I was in a gang and I was a person of power in said gang. A real street gang that carried guns, trafficked drugs and other illegal substances and had cops on the payroll. I was NOT a good person back then. I kept my hands clean by being the brains. I told others what to do and it was up to them to carry it out at their own free will. I never told anyone what to do I just spelled out what could be done and let them figure out the logistics on their own.
Third of all despite being “popular” and in a communion with criminals, I was still kind of a dork and not well liked in the romantic sense. I had “friends” and followers and I had cohorts and homies, but I never had romantic, nor sexual, partners. I was utterly alone.
I do not wish to revisit this time in my life because it was painful for me. Painful because of the things I did to others to be popular. Painful because of the things others did at my suggestion. Painful because I was lonely and nobody truly wanted ME around, they wanted “that guy” around and I hated being that guy.
Let’s backtrack to the someone’s chasing me dream.
This is rooted in real life trauma. I dare not go into specifics but let’s say that someone went to prison because I put them there. This person and their associates threatened my life on more than one occasion. So there is a real life fear of a thug with a gun coming for me. This is and always has been in the back of my mind.
Then there is the other stuff. My aunt being kidnapped, raped and murdered. This spawned a fear the same would happen to me. Then there was the serial killer in our family tree. This also instilled a fear the same could happen to me. Not that I would become the killer but rather the victim of said person. Then there is my uncle who tried to molest me. So there is a fear of adults trying to cause me harm. Combined with everything else I have real life fears of being hunted and hurt in very bad ways. This manifests in my daily nightmares.
I have watched more episodes of Friends than any other movie or TV show combined. I have never once had any dream with any of the Friends in it. I have played every single mainline Super Mario game ever made. I have never once dreamed I was a super hero plumber. I watch horror movies nearly every single day. These do not influence my dreams whatsoever. I have seen no movie more than I have seen A Nightmare on Elm Street and it’s many sequels. I have never, in my entire life once had a dream with Freddy Krueger in it.
Then there is my spiritual practice. I do not have dreams with evil spirits in them. I do not have dreams with ghosts, banshees, fey or demons. I never have. My practice of communicating with the dead, other spirits and spiritual forces does not and has not ever influenced my nightmares. My dreams are the byproduct of years of guilt, shame and trauma.
Stephanie Bri 