Processing my holiday feelings

I know I haven’t written anything in a couple of months. I have a good excuse between the holidays, starting a new job and finishing up my book, I just haven’t had time. I am facing a long weekend right now so I figured I had the time to write something up.

This holiday season has been a little wearing on me personally. I have faced near total rejection from my family. As a result I am spending all of the holidays alone. I will have discord calls with my girlfriend so that helps but I will still be completely alone.

That has taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally. Lately I declared starting last year I don’t celebrate Christmas anymore in the traditional sense. Instead, as a pagan, I decided to celebrate Yule instead. It’s mostly the same traditions so on the surface it won’t look that different. Mostly it means saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas but I should be doing that anyways. One thing that has changed is I won’t be spending Christmas, or Christmas Eve for that matter, in a church service trying to guilt me into giving money to their cult. Instead I will be spending the day with my girlfriend doing things we can both agree on.

This has been hard for me. Christmas was the one time of the year I always could count on my family to be there for me no matter what. It’s be disorienting having to learn to live on my own without support from my loved ones, if they even still love me that is. So much for unconditional love I guess. Anyways that’s a topic for another time. Right now I just wanna process my thoughts and feelings.

The holidays are a stressful time for a lot of people for different reasons. I don’t wanna get into all of that right here. Instead I wanna focus on what I have learned during this whole experience. Aside from not being able to count on family as I had previously believed, I learned that I can survive on my own. I have become a stronger person because of it. While I cried last year over my families rejection of me, this year I feel nothing special. I already mourned those relationships. You could say I severed those ties and have begun to heal from those wounds.

In another life I would have gotten excited to get money from my mom for Christmas. I would have used it on buying myself a toy or something special I could cherish. Maybe spend it on something frivolous like makeup or a video game. This year I spent it on food. I was grateful she sent me money but it felt like she was trying to buy me off instead of spending time with me. She lives 30 minutes away from me. We could have done something together. A movie, McDonalds, even just going to church together would have sufficed. Not this year. I got money I spent on junk food at the gas station. I treated myself to tasty but empty calories. That was my special Christmas gift this year, heartburn. That is what I have to show. I put my faith in family and they let me down.

I don’t cry woe is me. I have moved on. I just wanted to process these thoughts in a way that would allow me to reflect on what I have left rather than dwelling on what I lost. I have nothing more to say on this topic. I have said my peace. I feel fine now.

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Stephanie Bri

A transgender writer who also does podcasts and videos. If you like my writing please consider helping me survive. You can support me directly by giving money to my paypal: thetransformerscollector@yahoo.com. If you prefer CashApp my handle is @Stephaniebri22. Also feel free to donate to my Patreon. I know it's largely podcast-centric but every little bit helps. Find it by going to www.patreon.com/stephaniebri, Thank you.