Month: July 2022

This website, like my entire life really, has gone through several major changes. I don’t want to run them all down right now. I do want to reflect on how much it has changed over the years as it shows the ways I have changed too along with it.

The site started as a comic book and video game blog. I also talked about movies and other related stuff but it was mostly comics and video games. Eventually I began using it as a personal blog too so it became a mixture of both. As time went on I rebranded it into The Spiders Lair, what I thought at the time was a better reflection of who I was as a person. I chose spiders lair because I saw myself as a basement dwelling nerd who lived in the shadows with spiders. Eventually I invented the character of the Retro Witch to play out my female fantasies before I was able to fully transition. This was a mistake but it was also a stepping stone for me to eventually become the woman I am today.

I became engrossed in that character for a while. Then after I came out I took her on as a part of my identity full time. I would introduce myself as the Retro Witch and would welcome people to The Spiders Lair, where chaos resides. I chose chaos as my motif because I felt it encapsulated what I was going for, the entire thing felt chaotic and disorganized.

The content of the site didn’t change, however, as the branding did. Sometime in the midst of renaming it the spiders lair I shifted to a greater emphasis on horror content not because I felt it needed to but because my interests had changed and horror was becoming a bigger part of my life all the time. I even tried branding my podcast as a horror podcast as a result. That didn’t really go over too well but the podcast also went through it’s own share of identity crisis as it went from The Spiders Lair Podcast to the Dark Web Podcast, then back, then becoming The Stephanie Bri Show before I effectively cancelled it.

I decided to settle on naming the website after myself for a number of reasons. The first was identity. Stephanie Bri was who I am, who I wanted to be seen as and it made sense to show that in my content. Also I put a lot of thought into that name and wanted to make sure the world knew to refer to me by it. Then there is the fact the website is more of a personal blog now, gone are the days where I try to pretend to keep up with Nintendo news just to keep up the charade of being a video game blog. I no longer write about video games news. In fact I stopped writing newsy articles altogether. I want this site to be a blog that catalogs my life, including the changes I undergo, not a fake pretend news site trying to be something it never was.

Pretending to be something I wasn’t is a part of my life thus that was seen in this websites identity over the years. The branding was a result of a concerted effort to hide who I truly was. I wore one too many masks myself and via this site. Today I share not a website I crafted but a blog that reveals, little by little, who I truly am as a person. I think that is a much better way.

Yes I was hurt by people, a lot. I am a broken individual. I suffer from PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. What is comfortable for me is mostly being isolated. I live alone with a cat. My dates involve me calling my girlfriend over discord and chatting with her. Sometimes we watch a movie together, sometimes we play a video game, other times we just chat.

I have an extremely difficult time with social interactions. What might not be obvious is this includes mundane things like going to the grocery store, ordering pizza, getting gas and yes even job interviews. This transfers over to work. Whenever I have to take a job that requires regular interaction with other humans, including children, I am in a state of anxiety. I can sometimes mask my anxiety with laughter. I can put on a face and carry a conversation in situations that require it. But what you don’t see is the intense pain it causes me to do so. The emotional toll it takes on me to tell the guy at the convenience store I don’t need anything else. I also have an impossible time making eye contact. I have learned to force myself to do it but it is still painful for me.

I often blame my ability to hold down a job on my bipolar disorder. However that isn’t quite fair as I was only recently diagnosed. While I suffered from the symptoms for several years undiagnosed I can’t lean on that. However I have always known I suffered from anxiety especially anxiety involving other people. All sorts of situations cause me anxiety, as I stated even small interactions. If the interaction requires multiple lines of dialogue, especially question and answer sessions, the more intense the internal pain is for me.

I don’t have any answers as to what I need to do in this life. I pushed myself beyond my limits. I reached beyond my capabilities and delved head first into a line of work that forced me to perform regular, consistent social interactions on a steady basis. This put me in a state of panic. One panic attack and I begged for a second chance. A second panic attack told my employer what I already knew, the job was beyond my skillset. So we ended the relationship. Even though I found myself immediately unemployed and in distress I also felt relief. I need a job that allows me to work with as little social interaction as possible. I need a job where I can sit at a computer and input information into a document. I have had this job before. I was largely successful in this role.

I cannot continue to pursue education roles. AS much as I like the idea of being a teacher, the reality is teaching jobs are social roles and I can’t maintain that level of social interaction long term. If you boil it down to the core issue it always comes back to people. The jobs where I am most successful either have minimal human interactions or they are jobs where I am in a position of authority and thus can control the social situation. This is why I was so good at being a photographer. The most I had to interact with people was taking their pictures and selling them packages of photos. The act of photographing put me in charge. I was the boss. I could take control of the situation with confidence.

I found myself turning to a temporary staffing agency to pursue an office role that would afford me the peace of mind I need to perform the tasks required of me without too much trouble. I have a meeting tomorrow with a temp agent who has promised me a call center job that will put me in a setting where I spend my entire day filling out forms on a computer with minimal human interaction. I can handle talking on the phone, it’s face to face where I lose myself. Fingers crossed this job provides me with enough comfort and income to meet my basic needs while providing me with an opportunity to succeed. It’s all I can ask for.

Why did I think I wanted to get into education? Where did that come from? I was a journalist. I was climbing the ladder of success. My next stop after moving to the city was supposed to get a copyrighter position for a big time firm. That didn’t happen. Then I changed directions. Why? How did I get here and where do I go next?

Actually it goes even further back to when I was still in high school. I thought about becoming a teacher sometime in the middle of 10th grade. It was around that time I learned I was pretty good with using the English language I thought why not become an English teacher. Immediately after high school I pursued a career as a musician with the thought I would study broadcasting in college or music production one of the two so I could get into radio production. Through a long windy road following that path I wound up in Journalism school then working as a beat reporter. 

My first beat I was assigned was the Education beat. It was during this time that I started to develop a deep appreciation for what school districts do for our society. I started learning about all the wonderfully exciting things schools were doing for our children. I also quickly discovered I loved working with kids. Anytime I got to interview a child for the paper I was thrilled! My favorite was when they child did something amazing like the kid who won the National Spelling Bee! 

It goes further back than that though. When I was still in college trying to decide upon a major and minor combo English Teacher was still in the back of my mind. At first I paired up Broadcasting Major with Theater minor then changed the minor to Political Science at the nudging of my journalism professor. I nearly changed it to teaching my 3rd semester of college but something held me back. That was fear. I was afraid of all the work it would require. A Broadcasting degree is a fairly easy degree to pursue loads of blow off classes like media studies. 

That first day on the job at my first news reporter position my editor told me how the two were intertwined. His grandmother, former editor of the newspaper, was also an educator for a number of years. The staff writer I was replacing was leaving to be an English Teacher. My editor himself left to become a college professor. The career path of a journalist inevitably winds its way towards education. It’s the natural progression as by and large if you boil it down a journalist already is an educator of sorts. Thus I was kind of prepping for this my whole life. 

I am excited to finally be working at the position of teaching assistant. I got my foot in the door. Now all I have to do is excel so I can navigate the winding road I am sure to follow through the educator career path. What a journey it has been getting here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

His name is Buddy. At least that is what I have called him the two plus years he has been in my possession. I got him when he was 3 years old so I am sure he had another name before that, but I never bothered to ask what it was I just always called him Buddy. He seems to respond to that so it’s fine by me. 

I got Buddy in 2020. It was days after my other cat was found dead on the side of the road. Her name was Chloe. She was a rescue from the animal shelter. I loved her tremendously. She was my baby. When I adopted Buddy I was already heartbroken from losing Chloe so he was mostly a replacement. 

He wasn’t on board with his new home right away. He got out early on and ran back to his previous owner without hesitation. I had to entice him to come home and from there fortify the house to keep him from getting outside again. 

After a few days he became comfortable enough with me to sleep in my bed. Once he found he could trust me he started sleeping on my back, then the back of my legs. By that time he realized he and I were family.

Buddy is the only living being that has watched me transition from male to female from day one. He was there when I first started taking HRT and he is still by my side to this day. He is more than my child, my fur baby, he is my best friend. I love and adore this cat more than I can put into words. 

Our bonding was a slow process. It started with me giving him hugs and cuddles from time to time when he would allow it. After a while I would give him canned treats and he would eventually learn I was his friend. Once I built his trust he got to where he would sleep comfortably on my couch with his belly up to signify to me he trusted me. After earning his trust I made it a point to respect his wishes as much as possible. I have worked hard to keep our relationship one of mutual respect. 

Having a cat in my life has proven to be quite helpful in handling anxiety. He is more than a companion. He helps me battle depression too. He gives me someone to take care of. He relies on me, depends on me to keep him taken care of. I have to make sure I don’t violate that trust by ensuring I meet all of his kitty needs as best as I can. 

I really love my cat. He sleeps in my bed. He lays on my shoulders. He lets me rub his belly. He cries whenever I leave the house and is happy when I return. Sure he has some boundary issues whereas he likes to watch me go to the bathroom a little too closely but I think other than that he is a pretty good cat. I just wanted to write a little something about the little guy that captured my heart. Afterall he’s kind of a big deal to me.