Yes I was hurt by people, a lot. I am a broken individual. I suffer from PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. What is comfortable for me is mostly being isolated. I live alone with a cat. My dates involve me calling my girlfriend over discord and chatting with her. Sometimes we watch a movie together, sometimes we play a video game, other times we just chat.
I have an extremely difficult time with social interactions. What might not be obvious is this includes mundane things like going to the grocery store, ordering pizza, getting gas and yes even job interviews. This transfers over to work. Whenever I have to take a job that requires regular interaction with other humans, including children, I am in a state of anxiety. I can sometimes mask my anxiety with laughter. I can put on a face and carry a conversation in situations that require it. But what you don’t see is the intense pain it causes me to do so. The emotional toll it takes on me to tell the guy at the convenience store I don’t need anything else. I also have an impossible time making eye contact. I have learned to force myself to do it but it is still painful for me.
I often blame my ability to hold down a job on my bipolar disorder. However that isn’t quite fair as I was only recently diagnosed. While I suffered from the symptoms for several years undiagnosed I can’t lean on that. However I have always known I suffered from anxiety especially anxiety involving other people. All sorts of situations cause me anxiety, as I stated even small interactions. If the interaction requires multiple lines of dialogue, especially question and answer sessions, the more intense the internal pain is for me.
I don’t have any answers as to what I need to do in this life. I pushed myself beyond my limits. I reached beyond my capabilities and delved head first into a line of work that forced me to perform regular, consistent social interactions on a steady basis. This put me in a state of panic. One panic attack and I begged for a second chance. A second panic attack told my employer what I already knew, the job was beyond my skillset. So we ended the relationship. Even though I found myself immediately unemployed and in distress I also felt relief. I need a job that allows me to work with as little social interaction as possible. I need a job where I can sit at a computer and input information into a document. I have had this job before. I was largely successful in this role.
I cannot continue to pursue education roles. AS much as I like the idea of being a teacher, the reality is teaching jobs are social roles and I can’t maintain that level of social interaction long term. If you boil it down to the core issue it always comes back to people. The jobs where I am most successful either have minimal human interactions or they are jobs where I am in a position of authority and thus can control the social situation. This is why I was so good at being a photographer. The most I had to interact with people was taking their pictures and selling them packages of photos. The act of photographing put me in charge. I was the boss. I could take control of the situation with confidence.
I found myself turning to a temporary staffing agency to pursue an office role that would afford me the peace of mind I need to perform the tasks required of me without too much trouble. I have a meeting tomorrow with a temp agent who has promised me a call center job that will put me in a setting where I spend my entire day filling out forms on a computer with minimal human interaction. I can handle talking on the phone, it’s face to face where I lose myself. Fingers crossed this job provides me with enough comfort and income to meet my basic needs while providing me with an opportunity to succeed. It’s all I can ask for.
Stephanie Bri 