Why I don’t give up even though I am lost

Sometimes I wish I could figure out what I am doing in this life. I went to college. I got myself some experience in my career field. Then I moved to the city expecting I would find success. Instead I found myself bouncing from one temporary and seasonal job to another like a ping pong ball. 

I haven’t quite given up on my dreams. I started a YouTube series, a talk show where I get to be the host. I am in charge. This gives me a creative outlet where I can make decisions on what content I produce for a change. I have deadlines as before but they are a little looser, I set them myself. I have standards as before but they are my standards not some corporate overlords. 

I decided a while ago I was walking away from journalism. I made that decision because I couldn’t find any meaningful employment in the field. I chalked it up to two things, mostly the pandemic, and then my transition. All of my previous work is in my deadname making it awkward to share news clippings I wrote with someone else’s name on them. Same thing happens when I apply for photographer positions. I am sharing clips someone else took credit for even thought it was still my work. 

I have resolved that I have to give up. But then I found my strength. Despite recent failures attempting to get into childcare I remembered something, I pushed myself beyond my limits and landed a job I wasn’t qualified for. This reminded me of my inner strength. Then I decided to channel that strength towards applying for jobs I am far more comfortable with. Jobs I have more experience getting. The idea is I would have an easier time getting hired if I applied for work I already have experience in. 

Today I spent the better part of the day applying for tons of jobs, at least three dozen by last count. I am optimistic something will work out but I have to evaluate my needs versus desires. Right now I need a job that will pay the bills. I am kind of tired begging for jobs that I am either not skilled at or wouldn’t be best suited for. But I keep trying. The right job will come along but in the meantime I have to step back and take a hard look at who I am and what I have been doing. I can’t make up my mind what I want to be doing with my life. Thus I am sitting here lost. I have no direction. I don’t know what terms to enter into the job search bar. I don’t know what previous skills to highlight. I am at a loss for words. I am lost. 

I found my inner strength and I will draw upon that strength as I move forward. But I now know I will be using that strength to fumble in the dark towards God knows what. I have no clue where I will be working tomorrow, or a month from now. What I do know is I have run out of time. I can’t wait around trying to figure out who I am while I face the threat of homelessness. I have to channel that strength into finding gainful employment. I have to push myself into a world I don’t have a path towards. I enter this new phase of my life unsure of what I will be doing. For the first time in a long time I can’t picture what my next job should look like. For the first time since going to college I am sitting here lost. I will find my way but it’s going to be a bumpy road for the time being. 

I may have to settle for something beneath my skill set, an entry level minimum wage fair just to pay rent. I may have to settle for living minimalist. I may have to let other bills go as I regroup. In the meantime I will dig deeper as I continue my search. I don’t have a direction but I do have strength. I have will power. I have the desire to push forward. I will not give up. I will continue to walk this path without a map. No guide. No flashlight as I walk in the dark unsure what my future holds. For the first time in my recent memory I cannot say I have a plan. That alone scares me. But then I remember how I function better without a plan and I wonder if all that planning is what tripped me up in the first place. Only time will tell. For now I have to plug along in the dark unsure of where I am going.

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Stephanie Bri

A transgender writer who also does podcasts and videos. If you like my writing please consider helping me survive. You can support me directly by giving money to my paypal: thetransformerscollector@yahoo.com. If you prefer CashApp my handle is @Stephaniebri22. Also feel free to donate to my Patreon. I know it's largely podcast-centric but every little bit helps. Find it by going to www.patreon.com/stephaniebri, Thank you.