Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with my life. If you asked me to answer the question who I am I am not likely to give you an honest answer most days. I know I am a fighter but how hard do I fight? Where do I draw the line?
More often than not when I question my life it is because something is not right in my personal world. Here I sit for the first time unsure of my future. Will I get another job soon? Will it be enough to pay my bills? What will I do if I get evicted from my apartment? Where will I go if I lose my home? These are questions that have been on my mind a lot lately. Because of this I have not had the energy to do much in the way of fighting for others. Right now I am using every ounce of my energy to fight to survive. I don’t have any energy left over to get down into the trenches at the moment.
This is where I am right now. I am lost. I thought I had a job that was going to solve all my problems then it turned out to be only part time. I am still going to do the job, and enjoy it tremendously, but I have to fight even harder now to find a secondary income that will supplement my earnings from that job. It’s a battle I don’t have the energy to fight but I must keep going. I have no choice I need any income I can get at the moment.
What about my friends? When do I turn to them? How does that help me leaning on others? What if I can’t stand on my own? This thought cripples me most nights. I try not to be a burden on my friends yet here I am a drain on their own consciousness. I don’t feel guilt, however, as that is what friends are for you lean on them when you need them and they do the same when it’s their turn. I have to get to a place where I can stand on my own two feet in order for me to be a pillar for my other friends to lean on if need be.
What is the point of it all? This thought enters my mind quite a bit. I don’t have thoughts of self harm often but when they do creep up they usually jump start with this doozy first up. Once I find myself contemplating the merit of my own actions, the usefulness of the choices I make, that is when things turn bleak. It is during these times when I begin to lose hope. I lose hope in myself while also losing hope in humanity. I even take it a step further and lose hope in the society I live in. This in turn leads me down a path of despair that often makes me feel hopeless. Yet throughout it all I remain optimistic deep down.
It might sound superficial but it all comes down to my faith. I don’t have a universal faith God will always allow good to triumph over evil. I do not have a comprehensive faith God will make the world a better place. Rather what I do have is a simple faith of my own personal relationship with God. This is tricky as I have dabbled in paganism, Wicca, witch craft and other forms of religious expression that one would argue strays from my Christian upbringing. Yet it is my faith God will take care of me, throughout it all, that keeps me going. It is not rooted in my being good or deserving of faith. It is not rooted in my being faithful and thus expecting to be rewarded. It is rooted in a simple matter of belief. I believe he will take care of me because he has always done so. It is a matter of habit.
What specifically my faith looks like has changed over the years. What I put my faith in has largely remained the same, although I will admit my relationship with God has become quite rocky in recent months due to my feud between him and Brigid, my former Goddess whom I was devoted to loyally for a spell.
I don’t know what my faith will look like tomorrow. I don’t have faith in the government to protect me. I don’t have faith in the system to offer me respite. I don’t have faith in my own family to protect me from the dangers of this world. All I have faith in is a simple belief that no matter what happens, deep down, God will take care of me somehow. I maintain this unwavering faith even in the appearance of a lack of reciprocity. At the end of the day I hold onto a blind faith because that is all I know.
My faith in the Christian God is not rooted in a belief that if I adhere to the teachings of the Bible he will bless me for being a good Christian. Instead my faith is rooted in a simple belief that I am his child and he said he would take care of me in his book. That promise is what I hang my hat on. He does not promise me wealth. He does not promise to provide me with riches. He does not promise to lead me to my dream job. He promised only to provide for my basic needs. As far as I can assess he has kept that promise despite my complaining at times. That is where I stand. On this dark day in our nations history I stand here with nothing more than a simple faith God will provide for my basic needs, nothing more, nothing less. I hold onto it for one simple reason, it’s all I have.