It’s almost time for Pride month to begin. Like every year since coming out I am going to be doing a lot of reflecting on my own queer identity throughout the month. While I am doing that I have to keep one thing in mind, I am in a loving, committed queer relationship with a woman I am absolutely over the moon for. I have to make sure she is a part of my musings this year.
That’s kind of the whole point of being queer in the first place isn’t it? Finding that special someone to love no matter what. For me I started going down the path of letting myself accept I was gay by slowly opening the door to being bisexual. I figured I was like the girl in Chasing Amy, and incredibly problematic LGBT movie from the 90s that was seen as totally woke in its day. The lesbian in the movie tells a story how she opened the door to women because she didn’t want to miss out on meeting the right person. I thought that was what I wanted to find anyone to love me so I opened the door to queer love.
But as I grew in my understanding of sexuality and gender identity I came to realize I was living a lot of lies, layered upon layers of lies. I had to examine myself more deeply before I was able to peel back the layers. It was during this time of self discovery I learned sexuality is not a choice, but it can be fluid, much like gender identity. It took me a while to lock it down. Even today I am still discovering new things about myself.
What does this have to do with my girlfriend? Well once I realized I was trans I had to determine if I was gay or bi. Eventually I came to the conclusion I was an asexual biromantic transgender queer woman. That’s the most I could narrow it down. I figure that describes me pretty much to the t. However it was my girlfriend who helped me see some of this. You see she is also ace and hearing her story helped me discover how ace I was myself.
Last year I wrote an uncomfortable article confessing deeply intimate details of my sex life. I did this because I was caught up in the kink at pride argument which led me down a path of exploring sexual orientation more closely. Over the course of the next year I took a deep look back at my life and realize how incredibly uncomfortable the whole idea of sex made me.
Here is a confession that builds upon last years peek behind the curtain into my soul. I am a virgin by choice. The whole thought of getting naked and rolling around in bed with another person grosses me out. I tried to justify this over the years with my ultra conservative religious right upbringing being the basis for my staunch anti sex stance. However I came to realize even after I left the throes of Christianity behind to explore paganism I continued to have feelings that would be considered sex averse. I already knew I was touch averse so I figured it was just a part of that.
Getting to know myself through the lens of a romantic partner has helped me find who I truly am inside. It took me a while to admit I was ace. Even at first I said I was probably bisexual or biromantic but I wasn’t ready to plant my flag in the ace community quite yet. It wasn’t until a full year on HRT made irreversible changes to my ability to perform sexually when I realize I was actually quite relieved to no longer have the burden of that unwanted desire on my back. I chalked it up to hormones. I figured this was the case as once I changed hormones and things stopped working as before I sighed a deep sigh of relief. I was glad to finally be free from the pressures of sex.
I don’t mean to sound like everyone has to follow the same path as I did to be ace. You certainly don’t. It also came to my attention being ace is a spectrum. Some are further along than others and that is quite okay too. I determined I am quite adverse to the idea of sex as well as all discussion of the topic. I have always found it an uncomfortable topic to discuss. I am also disgusted by seeing other people engage in the activity. I am not drawn to pornography at all, it really grosses me out. Again I thought it was my religious upbringing that made me despise it but now I see I am not against others enjoying themselves in whichever consenting manner they mutually agree upon. I just don’t want any part of it be it the discussion or anything further. While my girlfriends views are her own and I dare not speak for her, I can honestly say being in a loving relationship with a queer woman that does not contain the pressures of a sexual component has been quite fulfilling and very rewarding for myself. I love being asexual as much as I enjoy being transgender. It is just a part of who I am.
Stephanie Bri 