When I took the pagan goddess Brigid to be my matron goddess I felt something stirring within me. I felt her calling to me. I felt her telling me she was choosing me to be her follower. Then I performed a ritual binding her to my heart on Mabon, the Fall Equinox. She was with me every day from that moment on.
During our time together Brigid wanted little from me at first. She expected me to learn about her. I was tasked with reading the legends and myths she was associated with. I learned as much about her history as I could as tricky as it was with a Catholic Saint running around bearing her name and all. Still I kept trying to grow the relationship.
The entire time we were together I kept going back to my left over fears I had from my Christian upbringing. One night I had a terrible nightmare and in the dream I called to her. She came to me and saved me. In the dream she said she would always be there to protect me. I could rely on her. A few weeks later I had another even scarier dream which I called upon her again and she was there then too. She said I could always call on her. Then the third time I had a nightmare I called to her and she left me. She didn’t laugh at me but she indicated she sent me the nightmare to get my attention.
I was frightened by her. Why would she do this to me? I accused her of being either a fallen angel or an outright demon. She scoffed at the accusation and we got into a fight. She left me, or at least I told her to leave. I got the sense she stuck around watching me for a bit off and on but she no longer answers my calls. She no longer responds to my pleas. I fear I may have chased her away, for good.
Yesterday I consulted the tarot cards. I was given the indication she could return if I was willing to put in the work. I am doing that starting with this. I wanted to write yet another blog entry on what she meant to me.
During our time together I felt the warmth of her motherly figure. I even considered her my spiritual mother, my matron Goddess even. She accepted the motherly role. I gave her offerings every day. Sometimes I would pray simple prayers to her. Each day I would say my daily devotion to her. A ritualistic prayer I wrote specifically to her. For a while she seemed to be okay with my dedication to her. Then she asked me to become her priestess. This was not something I was ready for when she called me. Looking back on it I am not sure I even knew what she was asking. I dare not just anoint myself her priestess that doesn’t work to well.
I did go through the steps of reaching out to the Universalist church and a couple others Wiccan covens to see what it would take to become a clergy of hers. It turns out the process is extremely complicated. It would require a lifetime of dedicated service to a single deity. The last time I was that devoted to a God was the Christ. I didn’t want to be that devoted to a single god or goddess again so soon after breaking up with him.
Then after Brigid left me I did what I expected I would do, I returned to Christ. I did this as I often do as he is like a safety net for me. However he was not welcoming me with open arms. Although the priest did read the story of the prodigal son at church so I suspect he was telling me he would welcome me back, I did the unthinkable. During the silent prayer section of the service I prayed to Yahweh to mend my broken relationship with Brigid. I am not sure he was receptive of that prayer.
Mother Brigid, my Matron Goddess and the source of my spiritual fervor, if you can read this I am deeply sorry for the way things ended between us. I would gladly welcome you back into my life if you will have me. I know we need to work things out, but I am willing to make the effort. Starting with this essay on what you meant to me. You were my world for a while. I would like to restore our relationship if you would give me yet another chance. In the meantime I wish you nothing but peace and prosperity in your existence. I pray you return to me. So May It Be.