When I sat out to write the series “What is love anyways” my only agenda was to find out why I was so fundamentally unlovable. In my quest to understand love, I found love in an unexpected place, right under my nose. Or under the cute way she wrinkles her nose I should say, lol.
I have written about how I met Christina, the love of my life but I want to dig deeper into the love we share. How our love has blossomed over the very short period of time we’ve known one another. I also want to finally answer that question, what is love anyways.
The first time I told Christina I loved her was barely three weeks into our relationship. It came after a long date night that ended with me getting close to the computer screen while the both of us shared our most intimate desires. She opened up to me in ways she said she didn’t think was possible. Ways I never thought anyone ever would. That was the first indicator there was something between us that qualified as love. Our early communications were hindered by her autism. She had fears she wasn’t going to be able to express herself in the same way I was doing. I helped her over come that fear with a special gesture.
After I sent her flowers for the first time I saw the tears of joy in her heart. The wobbling in her voice. The way she furrowed her brow told me all I needed to know. Then she dug deep into her soul, beyond her own fears and said the words I had longed to hear. That moment she instilled rainbows in my heart, butterflies in my stomach and she wrote her name onto my soul. That locked us in we were both there, in love with one another.
Finally feeling it, understanding it, getting it for the first time I was able to tell my mother I loved her. Christina gave that to me. My mom should be thanking her for showing me what true love is otherwise I might still be saying it with heart emoji’s thrice a year instead of every single time we talk. I now set myself free from my own fear, the fear of saying I love you to someone who wouldn’t say it back. Hearing her finally find the words gave me the courage to find them myself.
It goes beyond all of that. It was the way she volunteered to set up a private server so her and I could play Minecraft together because she knew how important that game was to me. It was the way she went out of her way to find us a virtual online Monopoly game to play because she knew it would bring me joy. Even when she quickly asserted her dominance in said Monopoly game by showing her superiority in video games. Even in those moments I discover I only love her even more. Why? Because it shows me she is special in so many ways she often doesn’t see yet trusts me to help her find herself.
There are intimate moments I shant share here for they are private. Moments that belong to the both of us alone and none others. Among those are the times she had to dig deep to find forgiveness in her heart for my sins. She has had to do that more times than I’d care to recall to be honest. The way she finds the way to push past my flaws and help me find the path to better myself grows my love for her even more. It’s in the way she showed me how to not raise my voice at the people selling me food. The way she scolded me when I was rude to the bell ringer at Walmart. Even the way she forgave me for beating up an autistic friend of mine from middle school. Her forgiveness is a sampling of the love she carries, the goodness she holds in her heart. The goodness she wears on her sleeve.
When I see those things I love her even more. She shows me that she sees the good in me. She helps me find that. When I am down she picks me up. When I am lonely she fills my day. When I am afraid she comforts me. All of these reasons and more are why my love for her grows more and more. Even when I asked her permission to write this article, getting approval along the way for those parts I wasn’t sure she’d care I shared. She has struggled with words but found the meaning behind them in her actions. Her smile says it all. The glances she steals when she knows I am not looking. I could go on about how much I love her all day every day but the truth is I wouldn’t even know what love is without her.
When I sat out to answer the question what is love I never expected to find the answer. I now know love’s name is Christina. I love you my darling with all my heart.
Stephanie Bri 