I don’t always have something profound or even heartfelt to write about. Sometimes I want to pick a topic that is completely stupid and get stupid writing it. That’s what I go through most nights when I am on my virtual dates with my girlfriend, I get incredibly goofy and she rolls her eyes a lot.
I mention this because I don’t always have control over my feelings. Everyone once in a while I just, feel things, and when I do I go with it. When I am sitting in my home alone I dance, I sing to myself, I hum, I make noises I talk to the cat, heck I talk to my toys. I don’t even care. Why? Because I am free. I love being free. I never cared for living under the pressures of society. The monotony of being told you can’t just be silly for no good reason. Where’s the fun in that?
This does often land me the retort from others to “act my age” to which I promptly roll my eyes while I continue dancing to the imaginary music playing in my head. I know one issue I have in life is I don’t like being told what to do. I have never liked having a supervisor or manager at work. When I was a kid I often would make the babysitters want to quite never to return. I didn’t defy authority or give them attitude, I just never let people control me.
Last night I opened up to my partner about why my toys are so important to me. I shared lonely stories from my childhood about desperately wanting the other kids to play with me but being stuck with my toys because I was “too weird” for the other kids. Yes, I told her this emotional tale with tears running down my cheeks. The music, the laughter these things are what lift me up each day. I rely on tuning out the rest of the droll world in order to find joy. It’s what works for me. It is what has always worked for me.
The problem is I still ache, long for peers to play with. Whether it’s a board game, video game or some other activity, I desperately seek people with common interests to hang with or do things with. The biggest problem is, I more often than not push people away. I know it’s because I am too weird, but you know what? I am not going to change who I am for anybody.
This is not to say I don’t know how to behave appropriately in certain circumstances, of course I do. What it really means is that I like to entertain myself. This is mostly because it’s all I’ve known for so long. When I am driving down the street listening to my favorite upbeat pop tunes, I dance along. I sing along too. I like to enjoy life.
As a professional writer I understand that a story needs a flow. It needs conflict and resolution. The main character needs to undergo some sort of change. I have plenty of conflict in my life, little resolution. I don’t want to change because my entire life is nothing but change I have moved over 67 times in my life. I have had now 80 different jobs. I don’t need any more damn change. I want consistency. Being weird or goofy is that consistency. I know I am aware that I annoy others. I don’t mean to be annoying. The truth is I don’t want to turn the music off and be as boring as everyone else. I’d rather crank the music up and have everyone else be as lively and free as I am. I think the world would be a much better place if we weren’t so stinking serious all the damn time.
Even in so-called professional settings we take ourselves too seriously. I love that Haribo commercial where the adults are having a board meeting talking like children and cutting loose. That’s how I want the world to be. I wish we could all hold onto that child-like innocence without it being considered weird or creepy.
In the meantime I will try to do enough goofing for the rest of the world. It’s the least I can do.
Stephanie Bri 