I can’t believe this day has arrived. Nine years of my life have been devoted to this work of fiction. Nine years I have opened up a series of Word documents pouring over every detail as I agonize trying to get this story to a satisfying conclusion. It has taken quite a toll on my psyche. Much of it was written before my egg cracked, so you can sense the despair in my inner woman’s desire to be set free.
I have worked tirelessly to get this done. It started out as a whim. Like all my projects before it this was born out of a single idea. I wanted to shoot a horror movie. I had no idea what I was doing so I set out to write a script. As I was plotting the film I wanted to make, all while watching one of my then-favorite crime dramas on TV, Bones, a new story idea began to emerge. I mixed ideas from several sources. I was largely inspired by thrillers of the early 90s, largely Silence of the Lambs, People Under the Stairs and Fargo. Each contributed something that helped this story form.
I also borrowed heavily from plotlines, settings and characters from Bones. I kept only surface level inspiration while fleshing it out in my own mind. As the story developed my level of excitement intensified with it. I had a book I knew I could finish. This was the one of all the dozens I began, walked away from never to revisit again, this was the one I knew I could complete.
Here it is, finally finished. I wrapped up the first draft in the summer of 2020. The same Pride Month I came out to the world. The same time I was beginning my own transformation into Stephanie, the woman I am today, this novel was taking on a new shape as well. The new form it was taking on was that of a completed story. A plot with twists and turns. Characters you cared about getting into precarious situations. Death all around. It’s not a horror story necessarily. I envisioned it more akin to those crime thrillers I mentioned above. Sort of a gateway to later, darker horror stories brewing inside my mind.
As life has twisted the knife it plunged into my back this year I felt the need to finish this project. I have bled over this. I have lost sleep over this. I have shunned chores, friends and responsibility over this. I have even quit more than one job to buy me extra time to work on this novel. I am thrilled beyond relief it is finally done. It is ready to be enjoyed by the rest of the world.
Inspired by a fellow trans writer I decided not to seek a book publisher at this time. I want to get this story out to the world where it belongs. I’d love to send off my manuscript to an agent, have them tell me it’s fantastic and set me up a book deal with Del Rey but that’s all not they way my life has gone. I go it alone. I do things myself. I am self publishing my baby because I do not want a single hand touching it other than that of the readers who will appreciate it for the work of art it is.
This book near perfectly captures the internal agony of a transwoman forcing herself to live life as a male in a male-centric world that treats women like lesser beings. The women in this story go through some hell. All three main female characters are each a representation of the woman he was hiding all those years.
The men are the monsters by design. It is an allegory to having to live a life that isn’t quite right. The men are each flawed. None of them are able to succeed other than inflicting harm upon the women in their lives, whether intentional or not.
I am very excited to announce not only am I self publishing this book, it’s coming TODAY, right now in fact after I finish this blog post. In mere minutes you will be able to read the book I have worked so hard on for so long. In my heart of hearts I know it’s time. This story is ready to be read by curious eyes. It will be arriving shortly in the coming days. As I post each chapter I will make final edits, finishing touches that will polish it up just in time for publication. I hope you find it as much of an experience reading it as I had writing it. This is the culmination of my entire life’s work. This is everything I have been working towards since my parents gave me an old rust typewriter when I was a mere 12 years old. Enjoy.
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