I watch a lot of television and movies. One common theme across nearly all of it is the never ending quest to find a sexual partner. Sometimes this quest is disguised as seeking “true love,” most of the time it is flat out raging hormones. But it’s always presented as those who don’t have sex are miserable while those who do are happy.
This couldn’t be further from the truth, especially in my case. I have mentioned in the past how I masturbated as much as the next “guy” growing up. I never cared for it but I felt compelled because of the hormones. It does feel good in a way but it also felt wrong to me. Not residual guilt from my Christian upbringing, I was able to tune that out. What felt wrong tome was how I didn’t want sex to be the focal point of my life.
Even when began telling people I was trans I didn’t say I was gay, or even bisexual. It took me a while to declare bisexual because I knew I could see myself exploring things with either gender or sex. But reality quickly sunk in. So here is a confessio wrap in a summary of my sexual experiences. I will refrain from being too explicit.
I won’t talk about underage stuff when I was a teenager, that I chalk up to development and hormones, being a kid. My first close encounter was at the age of 20. I was dating a Mormon girl who was also a single other. Her child didn’t live in her house but that’s a long story. She was constantly pressuring me to explore sex with her. She tried not only showing me her breasts but asking me to feel them when she learned she had breast cancer. At the time I was taken back and declined the offer. She kept pressuring me suggesting it was my Baptist upbringing. I insisted I wasn’t comfortable with that. Many other times she tried to tempt me to mate with her. I resisted and she accused me of being gay. I told her I liked girls but wasn’t ready for sex. Aside from those incidents her and I rarely did more than occasional kissing and holding of hands. Not much sexual there.
A year later I am in my second adult relationship. This was Carmen, the woman I almost married. I won’t recall the specifics here but she was 19, I was 21. After a brief period of flirting then casual dating I asked her to marry me after a few deep conversations.
Carmen and I told our families we were getting married. We set a date and were making plans. We didn’t have firm plans but we were going to make it work. She was definitely willing to try things out. After a few sessions of fooling around she invited me into her bed where she wanted to make things official. After a few minutes of cuddling, groping and kissing I became erect but pushed her away. I decided I wasn’t ready to partake in that.
After my relationship with Carmen ended I never had another close encounter again. I sometimes thought about having sex or being sexual with someone. I sometimes considered, contemplated what it would be like. The truth is I could never actually see myself as the person in those scenarios. Even in my self exploration in my fantasies I was never present. I could watch a dirty movie, but I couldn’t see myself as the star.
Fast forward to today. 15 months on HRT and my sex drive is gone. Completely diminished. I have read some say HRT brings out what was under the surface. I have heard others suggest your sexuality can change. After getting into a close intimate relationship with another trans person who shared similar feelings as myself I discovered something about me, I don’t think I am bisexual or lesbian. I think I am probably on the asexual spectrum. I figured this because sex doesn’t motivate me, it doesn’t interest me nor does it appeal to me. I can’ picture myself doing it with someone else and I never truly could. I suppressed this feeling believing it was shame from my Christian teachings. I always knew people have sex but in my mind I always figured I was one of the rare folks who wouldn’t. I detested being called an incel or whenever someone would say you’ll find the right person whenever I said I was a virgin. I don’t need people telling me I will or should find a sexual partner. I have learned that I am comfortable living a sexless life. Thanks to having a wonderful and supportive girlfriend who shared similar feelings with me I think I can safely say this feels right for me.
I have joked about things in the past. I have explored things in my mind but deep down I discovered I don’t feel sexual attraction like most. When I see a clearly attractive person I don’t get horny for them or declare what I’d like to do to that person. Not since removing the disgusting hormones from my body. I am happy I don’t have a sex drive. It allows me to have a deeper relationship with the woman I love without getting bogged down in the pressures of scoring, whatever that means.
If you have a friend who says they are asexual don’t tell them they haven’t found the right person or it’ll happen when it happens. Instead just support their decision and respect their desire to not engage in those discussions. I became revulsed to the point of near vomiting when my sister showed me her fake boob she wore exploring breast sizes. She commented at that time I had no business talking about sex. After meeting my current, ace, girlfriend I discovered something. She was right all along. I don’t think sex is for me, at least not in the traditional way. That’s not to say if my partner and I ever decide to explore whatever we do find we’re both comfortable with I won’t give things a shot. But for now I am happy where I am. It certainly takes the pressure off. It also gives me a wonderful peace of mind. I understand it’s not for everyone and it’s fairly rare. But hey I am a trans woman with multiple mental health conditions. I am already among the rarest of the rare. I am not at all surprised whenever I learn something else that is considered so-called normal behavior isn’t for me. It makes me feel better about knowing each person truly is unique.
Stephanie Bri 