Back in June I reached the darkest point I had been in my life for a very long time. Since moving to the city with my adopted sister Robin I felt frustrated as nothing was working out as expected. Several months had gone by and not a single writing job had come my way. I was still working for lousy temp agencies doing jobs my heart wasn’t into.
My health complications began in May. By June I was already frustrated and getting tired of being sick. Robin and I had been fighting over the podcast as well as my financial struggles that were affecting my hopes to get into an apartment. After a particularly brutal fight that drained me of all remaining hope I texted Robin I was done. Tears in my eyes I walked into the kitchen, found a very sharp knife and began preparing to take my life. I was done with everything. I was losing my family, my dreams, my hope for independence, my motivation to do the podcast and, above all, my sister. I had nothing left to live for.
After she returned from her dinner with her friend she talked me out of my desire to die. She left a dinner she needed to recharge her own emotional batteries tot end to her sister who was in pain. Once she came home and we hugged it out things begane to improve. After a few drinks, a game of trivial pursuit and a long talk I decided I was leaving her podcast behind to step back from all of my creative projects. I needed to clear my head. I needed to realign my interest with what I was capable of getting done.
During that dark time I had a few friends reach out to me on Twitter to ensure I was okay. Some of those have become my sisters. Heidi and Gea are among the two I admire the most and am eternally grateful reached out. Kat has lifted me up in ways she may never know. We’ve shared some zoom calls and cooking triumphs with one another that gave me small bits of joy.
Then there is Christina. The angel sent down from Heaven to give me hope. When she first started messaging me it was very casual. She started by telling me how much she related to the things I said on the podcast. At first we chatted about NBA playoffs as they were happening at the time and it was a pretty memorable historic run for a team nobody expected would be in it, let alone win the title. Basketball was something we both shared with our respective fathers so we bonded over that.
Slowly our conversations became even more personal. Unprompted she began opening up to me as I began opening up to her. After two months of DMing on Twitter we had our first Zoom chat. I say our first, I zoomed with her earlier as I interviewed her for an article I’ve yet to write. It’ll get written for sure but I have to be cautious considering how things began to develop. During that first chat we awkwardly fumbled through a conversation as we both do as we started laying down the foundation of what was to come.
After a few more zoom calls we started really connecting. At one point we each shared on Twitter we were both crushing, in our own way, on a fellow trans mutual and reading between the lines I surmised it was her and I. She confirmed my suspicions and we began having even friendlier talks.
Two weeks into our discussions I told her I as developing feelings for her. She shared those feelings herself so we took things to the next level. After a very emotional chat I asked her if it was okay if I called her my girlfriend. She agreed and I shared my first public post I was seeing someone. It took her another week to go public as she trickled out very obvious clues to which I playfully went along with.
Behind the scenes we’ve opened up with one another in ways I never thought possible. I’ve confessed some of my dark secrets to her, to which she helped me find closure. She’s confided her deepest fears in me to which I offered comfort in my own way. We’ve bother shared our intentions and our expectations. We know who we’re pursuing and what each is capable of. We’ve each had to pick the other up off and lift one another back to stability.
After only a few weeks of chatting with her my crush began. That is what prompted me to write a series of articles asking the question “What is love” as I explored my past experiences and near misses with the most valued human emotion. I began to develop stronger feelings and interest in this wonderful woman as she would read each of my articles then comment on them with her own insights. I knew she wasn’t just a super fan, there was something special going on. I would sprinkle in tidbits into my articles hoping to get her attention. Seeing as how it worked I began feeling even closer with her than before.
A week after my birthday I told her in a way I was comfortable how much I loved her. She responded in her own way, reminding me to take her difficulty expressing emotions very seriously. After we discussed what that meant to us both we agreed I wouldn’t put pressure on her. She agreed to let me express myself anyway I was comfortable with. So I shared a public post telling the world I had said I loved her. This garnered much positive reactions from our friends and followers. It also came up in our following call. I knew she wanted to express herself so I took it upon myself to give her the words in a way I knew she’d find favorable.
On Friday I called a florist near her location and paid them the money to deliver her some flowers I thought she would really enjoy having. Knowing her home situation I clued her in on a pending delivery so she knew to keep her eye out on it. We chatted all day while she sat impatiently by the window waiting for her surprise to arrive. Mere seconds after she received the flowers, with her on camera so I could see her reaction, we both tearfully shared our intimate development with the world via her timeline. Once she successfully shared all her thoughts I was given permission to retweet and comment on those posts, which I did enthusiastically. I’ve been in a state of blissful joy ever since.
Christina brought hope into my world. She brought happiness into my life I never thought possible for me. She has filled my heart with feelings of love, appreciation, kindness, trust, desire and more. I feel I am falling in love with a woman, who thankfully is doing the same, and it’s the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. She is someone I can relate to in so many ways. We connect on so many levels I am in awe at how it is all developing.
Letting her into my life was the best thing I ever did. I have written her into my heart where she will remain permanently. For the first time in my life I can actually envision a future with someone I love there by my side. I have written her poems which she hasn’t read yet. We’ve shared adventures in online games as a way to bond beyond face-to-face video chats. We’ve secretly, and not-so-secretly, been texting and tweeting at one another near constantly. And we’ve both shared things neither of us thought possible. It warms my heart beyond words seeing all the people on social media rooting for our budding romance. That level of support in and of itself is beyond my comprehension, yet I welcome it with open arms.
Christina knows how I feel about her. I know how she feels about me. Right now we’re going to continue seeing where this goes. In the meantime I am going to keep losing sleep as I dream about the wonderful angel who decided to enter my life at a time when I needed her most. I don’t hear the dark voices tempting me to end things any more. All it took was for me to say point blank I have Christina, she gives me something to live for. That renews my strength I had nearly given up. Those voices have been replaced by the love song of an angel whispering into my heart. This is one of those love stories for the ages. I hope we get to give it a happily ever after. For the time being I’ll settle for a tale as old as time.
Stephanie Bri 