Why I’d rather walk in chaos then have peace, live in the dark not light

Denouncing ones faith is a major step. In a way it’s openly defying everything you believed in that got you to where you are. If you lose faith what are you left with? Hopelessness? I know religion comes from a place of desire. We desire security, peace of mind, taming of the wilderness. In a way it goes against the chaos that is the universe.

I haven’t spoken about chaos since I killed the retro witch character. I never stopped believing in chaos. But, what do I believe about God and the Bible these days? I was raised Christian, or was I? Let me explain.

From birth until about age 11 we had no religion in our house. Not formally at least. We had witchcraft and a level of skepticism caked into our lives. Mom and dad never talked about their beliefs. I knew mom had been Mormon as a child but knew nothing of what that word meant. I knew not what dad believed he was private. He worshiped the can of beer in his hand, and it’s countless brothers.

I used to ramble on and on about how I witnessed my dad become a changed man by giving his life to Jesus. That power he discovered I was drawn to that myself. I, like others in the family, was aware of spiritual stuff. I was deeply into witchcraft and felt it was perfectly fine at the time. I even delved into the taboo game of Dungeons and Dragons to satiate that thirst.

My dad kept a strong hold on me though. Once he converted to Christianity I was destined to follow suit. I had explored other religions. By that time I was 12 I had read all the different books on various mythologies. I was obsessed with spiritual stuff. The spirit world, the undead, vampires, werewolves and other creatures we sometimes think of as monsters. This obviously bled into, and fueled, my love of horror. But when did it end or rather, where am I now?

My faith has been shaken. I still believe in God. I don’t follow, no I flat reject what is masquerading around as his church doing atrocities in his name. Yet I still feel compelled to attend mass every Sunday at the local episcopal church. Why them? It’s the gay friendly church but also most similar to what I found in Catholicism. But since coming out trans I have struggled with that.

The bible says you cannot serve two masters. But if the church abuses me and the God it worships loves me, what am I to do? Change everything about who I am to conform to someone else’s interpretation of what his image is? OR abandon my belief system entirely for something else?

Do I give into the darkness that calls to me? That is the question. I follow chaos because order is unnatural. Even the Bible, God is a god of destruction, wrath and disorder. His old testament is filled with legends on par with those dead religions reduced to mythology in modern society. Then what am I left with? A New Testament where one teacher says love and unity, another spreads had and prejudice and yet Christians try to reconcile the contradictory beliefs as God’s ways are not our ways. Maybe true but if God is a spirit, a formless light as we are taught, is he more than an idea? I don’t know. Not anymore.

If my faith burns out but I hold onto my belief that he still loves me is it hypocritical to turn to other options for that peace and comfort I sought after? What about the chaos? The bible makes no sense if you read it without being told how to do so. But it says within its own pages the reader let him understand. Then what?

If the Holy Spirit is the one guiding people do harm others then I want nothing to do with that. I doubt it is the case so I ask was I deceive before or now? Was it a false spirit that led me all those years or is it now so?

My heart aches. My head hurts. My soul grows tired. When I gave into being a witch I had some clarity. I knew I could summon the strength from within myself and overcome obstacles. It is a different sense of power. Take control, or surrender it.

I have lived my entire life under someone else’s control. I desperately try to find my own way. I live in the dark. I thrive in chaos. I desire disorder because I want peace but peace is a lie. It is a falsehood we invented to cope with the world around us. What gives you peace? I want that.

This sounds like I am rambling but I am wrestling with an idea. Do I denounce my faith? Walk away from the Christian ideology entirely? Or do I find a way to reconcile my connection to the chaotic dark forces. Why do we consider the darkness to be evil? The sun lights up the dark space around it but it sits in darkness itself. I am confused and alone. But I am seeking something new. Something different.

I don’t know if I will ever abandon my faith. I do know the church has left me behind. I think I want to summon a dark demon and unleash chaos upon the world. Maybe that is the answer. Stop trying so hard to find answers and accept the world isn’t supposed to make sense because it is chaos. That wasn’t a question. That was my clarity. I don’t feel peace. I feel drawn to chaos. I want that. Let me have that.

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Stephanie Bri

A transgender writer who also does podcasts and videos. If you like my writing please consider helping me survive. You can support me directly by giving money to my paypal: thetransformerscollector@yahoo.com. If you prefer CashApp my handle is @Stephaniebri22. Also feel free to donate to my Patreon. I know it's largely podcast-centric but every little bit helps. Find it by going to www.patreon.com/stephaniebri, Thank you.