Being a transgender woman means I m often battling gender dysphoria. It’s that feeling ever trans, nonbinary or genderfluid individual feels when their gender identity doesn’t quite match up with our sex assigned at birth. We often, especially those of us who are trans, go out of our way to find those little moments where we can express ourselves in the gender we identify with in order to stave off that dysphoria. It’s an altogether higher level when we can achieve gender euphoria, that is when we feel like the woman we are presenting as if we are AMAB. Today was one of those rare days I felt true euphoria in every activity.
It started with my morning routine. I woke up from my slumber wearing nothing but panties and a hot pink PRIDE t-shirt I slept in. I went to the bathroom, took a shower during which I shaved my legs, arms and underarms. Then after the shower I fixed me some breakfast. I put on a hat, my best Sunday dress and grabbed my purse as I got in my car for church.
I drove to my church, it’s known by locals as the “gay church” in Dallas. It’s a pretty great Episcopal church. After the Mass I was invited to stay and chit chat over a cup of coffee. A woman who’s name eludes me told me her story how she discovered the church and how she, as a cisgendered heterosexual felt safe among all those gay men. It was quite refreshing to be around so many supportive and affirming Christians who shared my beliefs. The revered, who is gay, and one of the church members who is also gay both approached me and offered me hugs, which I gladly accepted.
Once I left church I arrived at my house where I live with my sister Robin and her wife. I went upstairs and once I was in my bedroom I watched a Twilight movie I had been putting off. This was, of course, after I finished watching Legally Blonde, a favorite of mine. Between films I listened to an all-female vocal playlist while playing some Minecraft.
Midway through the Twilight film I grabbed some cotton balls and fingernail polish remover. I took the blue polish off I had been wearing and replaced it with a white color I wanted to finish off. After this I went downstairs and had two slices of pepperoni pizza my roommate had cooked. I then went upstairs, did my evening bathroom routine which culminated in my sitting on my bed with a hairbrush brushing out my hair.
To any cisgendered woman assigned female at birth who might take these things for granted let me first say I appreciate the struggles you go through and the feminist fight to break down gender stereotypes. While I, like many ciswomen choose to perform feminine behaviors out of a sense of personal satisfaction, I do feel some societal pressure to “pass” for female at least when I am out in public. That being said normally when I am sitting a home, alone with no audience I don’t stop being trans. I don’t perform women tasks for an audience. I do not pretend to be or mimic the behaviors of a woman. I simply engage in those activities women in western culture are conditioned to perform. I do this by choice not out of obligation. I do it for my own mental health. It feels good and that’s part of what being trans is all about, finding those moments where your gender does align with how you feel.