If you listened to the most recent episode of the Transposed Podcast you know my heart is broken right now. It wasn’t an easy decision to come to, but I stand by it. I knew I had to step back from the show at this time.
I want to take a minute to look back at everything I went through to get here to help those listeners wondering what happened find clarity.
I also need to get some things off my chest.
First, let’s talk about how I became involved in the podcast in the first place.
It started almost immediately after first meeting Robin.
We met through a trans social networking app. The goal for both of us was to find another transperson going through the same thing as each of us to connect with. Our first few weeks our interactions remained mostly isolated to that app. Sporadic messages back and forth getting to know the woman I would soon find myself attached to in more ways than one.
The first time we met in person was my first time visiting the city she called home.
At that time she was doing a photoshoot for me. She helped me make a Christmas card I could share with my friends and family to help them see the progress of my then new transition.
It didn’t take long before we were both comfortable enough, and frankly needing each other enough, that our conversation migrated away from the app to Facebook, then phone calls followed.
It was during one of those phone discussions the day I was in the used video game store selling all of my video game consoles and games Robin told me about her plan to do a transgender centric podcast. It was also during that conversation she invited me along for the ride. Of course in full disclosure, she asked me to help her get it off the ground, to teacher her how to do it and to be involved in those early episodes to have someone she could bounce ideas off. Somehow, in my chaotic brain, I interpreted it as she wanted us to be full partners and I ran with it. It wasn’t long before I realized I had somehow pushed myself into her project, and her personal life soon after.
She will tell the story differently. The way I remember it is she called me the day the snow fell because I was frozen, without internet and kind of in a panic. She invited me to her house to take a bath, spend the night and regroup. The plan, at the time, was for her to help me find a job then apartment in the city. Somehow, through all that ice mess that nearly crippled the entire State of Texas, it went from a night to a short term stay. Eventually it was left open to as long as it takes. I, wasn’t comfortable with that despite her constant reassurances she had adopted me into her family.
Since that time we came to agreeable living terms, and a mutually beneficial financial arrangement I was comfortable with. That included my continued involvement with the podcast. That was, with the understanding from day one my co-hosting duties were always temporary.
After a few personal clashes stemmed from opposing views regarding what was ultimately her show, we both agreed I would begin looking for a way to step back. Her concern was my mental health. She knew I was getting burned out and pushing myself into too many projects getting pulled in too many directions.
My concern was with our relationship. I enjoyed doing the show simply because it was something we did, together. The downside was it led us to one too many fights. In the interest of preserving our friendship I told her I would step down soon. I didn’t give a time frame but she was prepared. She began looking for and trying out guest hosts. She thought I would hang in there until the pre-arranged deadline for my finding a place. However, after my breakdown, and subsequent cancelling of all my projects I knew my time on the show had ran its course.
That’s the story how I got here. But why did I, a self proclaimed writer, get wrapped up in podcasts and YouTube videos in the first place?
One word: vanity.
The truth is, the hard ass real truth is I have very, very little self esteem. Being a somewhat known podcast host, on top of a respected and moderately known journalist in a small market gave me confidence plus a sense of purpose I was hesitate to give up.
A friend recently told me a story how she too used to get her life’s meaning through her work. And she took a similar career path as myself. Then she found a different form of fulfillment in her family. That’s where I am now, that’s the direction I want to go. I want my own family. Not just leeching off Robin’s family. Sure, she has grafted me into her extended family of which I am eternally grateful. But the truth is I need to have my own life apart from Robin. I will still be in her life. I will still be involved in the podcast. But I need to find my own path right now. In the coming months my plan is to get into an apartment with a good friend of mine I am wanting to springboard me into my own house down the road. Eventually, sooner rather than later, I want to get to where I can adopt a child. Maybe I do so alone or with a partner, but that day will inevitably arrive.
In the meantime all I want to do is go to work, share selfies to my Instagram and write in my blog. That’s the extent of my creative outlet at this time. I plan on getting back into streaming very soon. I will not be doing another podcast right away.
I would also like to take some time to focus on my deteriorating health while there is still chance to reverse some of the damage.
As I stated on my farewell episode, I love Robin with all my heart and I trust she will take care of her show without my interference better than ever. I also know our friendship can begin to heal now. I also meant it when I said I love all of my followers who supported the show and well as me personally. I will be back but it won’t be right away. In the meantime I will be taking care of myself. I need to focus on my health and mental health. Stay cool.