I have struggled with defining who I am for the longest time. I have always known pieces of my identity such as I like Transformers toys, I play video games (mostly Nintendo okay) and I love dance music (especially hip hop), but there are parts of my life not so easy to define.
I am a Christian. I was raised Protestant turned Catholic recently. I used to be a break dancer and hip-hop DJ. I don’t consider either of those central to my identity. Christian is my faith. It is important to what I am but not who I am.
The most elusive aspect of my life to define has been my sexuality. I have always known I liked girls. I have always known I wanted to be a girl. This put me in a conundrum where I thought of myself as a lesbian in a man’s body. More specifically a transwoman who was attracted to females.
It took me until I was deep into my 20’s before I could internally refer to myself as a transwoman. I spent most of my life shying away from it. I knew I was into cross-dressing but since I did it in secret I didn’t want it to define me. I knew I was mostly attracted to girls but often found myself considering certain boys in what-if I went that way scenarios. You know bi-curious as they sometimes call it.
It took me until I was in my mid-30’s before I told the first person outside my sister I thought I was trans. Even then it was a slow 2-year process before I got to the point where I could talk about it out in the open.
But even as I began looking for the words to tell people I was going to be making some outward changes to my appearance that would better reflect how I felt inwardly, I knew there were still parts of myself off limits.
I had a friend who when I told her I was trans the first question she asked was if I was into boys and began rattling off all the guys she thought were cute.
The day I first told my friend I was trans, the very first person I ever said it to, I couldn’t hold it in any longer it felt like it was bubbling up until it just came out. I had no control over it I had to tell someone. Now I am living my life full time as a woman and I can’t even remember what it was like before I was Stephanie, and I like it that way.
But there remains the elusive who do I want to spend the rest of my life with. Or to put it crash who’s bones do I wanna jump. Getting down to it I think I can safely say I do not consider myself gay. But since I do consider myself a woman, and most certainly will be fully once I complete transitioning, I think that needs some clarification.
Like the need to say I think I am trans boiled over until I couldn’t contain it any longer so too has this been on my mind. Something I feel I need to give into and accept. Thus after much debate I have decided I don’t want to be tied down to a single sexuality.
I do find myself drawn to women. But I am not attracted to masculine women or really butch lesbians. It isn’t about the compatible parts its about who I can see myself cuddling with.
I am not attracted to masculine male, gay or straight, frankly masculinity in all forms turns me off, repulses me on most cases.
I don’t think pan sexual works because I cut myself off from the ones mentioned above.
I would say I am bi-sexual but I feel even that is misleading. I know I am attracted to other trans women too, and that includes pre-op, post-op and no-op trans women. I am attracted to femininity. But not just from a sexual stand point. I feel like I am drawn to the female energies of the world.
I know that’s probably too mystical for most people. But I think it works for me.
So here I sit able to say I do like some humans who’s parts are opposite mine and some who’s aren’t. Specifically I think, regardless of gender or sexuality, I am mostly drawn to people who aren’t overly masculine. That doesn’t mean I would run out and do dirty things with someone just for fun, remember that whole Catholic thing from before, it’s kept me a virgin this long and it’s not because I can’t score. I was engaged to a young, hot, 19-year-old horny teenage girl once who tried to lure me into bed one at least two occasions. Spoil alert we ended up fooling around but not going all the way. Thus I do know regardless of what I might find enjoyable or pleasurable, that’s not an avenue I can explore at this time.
I think I’d be happy just leaving sex out of the conversation entirely and seek a partner who wants to spend their time with me without the goal of mating getting in the way. I don’t think that makes me asexual necessarily so I think it is easier for me to say I am not going to limit who I look for but I am still going to emphasize the value of conversation over physical pleasure. To that end it looks like it’s going to be me and my toys until the day I die.
Stephanie Bri 