Month: November 2021

This is a question I get asked a lot, especially by Christians who don’t understand what they are asking. The question is usually why witchcraft? Why not focus on herbal prayers or just using more candles and incense in you’re prayers? I get asked this by people who don’t know what witchcraft is. They get caught up in the biblical reprimand to avoid sorcery and assume it’s all the same. They think anything of the occult is not of God and therefore must be evil.

I am not framing this from the Christian perspective but I will address those concerns so-called Christians may have, at least from a crisis of faith perspective. I want to first separate what it means to be a witch, as in someone who practices witchcraft, verses a Wiccan or a Pagan, as those are something else entirely.

Let’s start with a basic understanding of what witchcraft is and how it relates to other religions, including Christianity. Put it simply magik (spelled that way in witch circles to differentiate it from the art of illusion “magicians” use) is about manipulating energy. That’s it. The widely accepted trope in scientific academic circles is explained that any science that is sufficiently advanced but not understood well can be considered witchcraft. Basically medicine is alchemy. Chemistry is potion brewing, astronomy is astrology and physics is akin to sorcery in a way.

News flash, Christian, YOU are doing witchcraft every time you turn your cell phone on or use the internet. Magic (using English spelling now for simplicity’s sake) is science. They are interchangeable. In this respects your closest adherents to your own narrow minded interpretation of the Bible are the Amish as they are the only ones who shun science as it is magic. But that’s it. This is why so many witches believe in or support science. The idea that magic is just science we don’t understand is close but I take it a step further. Science, to me, is just magic we DO understand. The terms are in fact synonyms. Medicine is a prime example. Witches use potions and herbs to heal themselves. Some of those potions once concocted are merely the exact recipe for aspirin. Aspirin is a common house-hold “potion” most Christians have in their home, without realizing it! Of course they get caught up in the spiritual aspect without knowing most, as in 90 percent or more, of all witches don’t believe in “magic” at all, they believe in science, they see science as magic.

So then what is witchcraft? Or what are spells? Here we go. Spells are rituals. That’s it. Incantations are prayers. Spells are recipes. Nothing more. A computer program, written by a computer scientist or software engineer, is a spell or instruction set telling the forces of nature how to behave in a certain set of circumstances. That is all witchcraft is. It is the manipulating of the forces of nature, something Christians do daily whenever they put fossil fuel (fire potions) into their automobiles (self propelled chariots) and drive them on roads directed by traffic lights using electricity (magic) to get them safely to their jobs where they will use more magic to conduct business using their computers (tablets) that contain spells pre-written and fully cast once the user (spell caster) hits enter on the keyboard.

I have a friend who is a technomancer. This friend is fully aware how science and magic are interchangeable. Now that we’ve established that then why practice magic? Because simply put we’re already doing it from birth! I was fascinated by science, technology and computers at an early age. I was encouraged by my Christian parents to pursue these interests knowing full well I was fascinated also by the spiritual side of things. The sciences I found most fascinating included geology, astronomy, paleontology, chemistry, biochemistry and computer science. You will notice these correspond perfectly to the magical paths or witchy paths I have followed. Necromancy is talking to the dead. Paleontology is studying (learning from/talking to the dead), astronomy and physics including metaphysics includes manipulating light energy and electromagnetism. As humans our current mastery of electromagnetism exceeds the power of most gods of ancient mythologies.

The reality that even our own nuclear program exceeds the destructive power most gods represent in ancient times is a testament to the triumphs of science. Now of course it is easy to scare dark ages minded Christians into thinking vaccines are evil or that the climate sciences are hokum for lack of a better word, it’s harder to reinforce in their minds their very cell phones are a form a witchcraft!

That’s it that’s all it is. I am drawn to witchcraft because I am fascinated by science. You can be a Christian and use magic. It is perfectly okay. The stuff the Bible forbids is drawing power from Demons, which is what MOST Christians mistakenly confuse other forms of magic for. They are falsely told thus falsely claim using spells in any capacity requires using demonic forces. This is blatantly false. Yes there are people who work with demons. There are people who use the power of demons to further their own dark arts. Those people rarely have long productive lives as it is understood even in witch and pagan circles if you commune with monsters there are consequences.

This s a glossing over of why magic is important to me. Any person, Christian or otherwise, who uses a cell phone, the internet, or drives a car and proclaims magic is evil is themselves a hypocrite for using said magic in their daily lives. Oh but hypocrisy is the Christians rule 1 in their playbook so we have to side step that for a second.

Now let’s dig into Wicca and Paganism while we dig into the Occult at the same time.

We talked science as in our understanding of the natural world. Magic and sorcery (not interchangeable but related fields) are forms of pseudoscience. This means they fall under the purview of the supernatural. The super natural is the forces of nature we can’t fully understand. This makes sense as science uses testable methods to prove conclusively theories regarding the forces of nature. It stands to reason you cannot test supernatural forces because they exist in a plane natural science cannot cross. We can get into things like alternate dimensions, multiple universe, worm holes, etc., but let’s focus on exploring the supernatural now that we’ve laid the groundwork.

Wicca first. Wicca is a religion. Plain and simple it is a religious path some witches choose to follow. That’s it. Simply put some witches follow the teachings of Wicca and call them selves Wiccan. Their rituals, spells and practices are no different than the same rituals you, Christian, do when you are sick or when you pray for clairvoyance (what you call inspiration from the Holy Ghost) it’s the same. You are going to get caught up in semantics (which you will ignorantly and falsely refer to as “Biblical hermeneutics) but I will sidestep that pack of lies and dismiss the narrow-minded manipulating of twisting words to mean things they never meant to fit your beliefs. Instead know this Wicca is a religion on par with Christianity n that it has a book that spells out it’s beliefs and followers meet in places to perform rituals not that different from your church practices in many ways.

Then there is paganism. Paganism means folk religion. That’s it. Country people who practice religion are pagans. Christians who live in the country and have “church” on their front porch ARE PAGANS. That’s it that is the definition of pagan. It does not MEAN you are Wiccan, Satanist, a devil worshiper or follow a “false” religion, it just means you have your religion in the country or outside of a structured church building. It can be in a temple. It can be in a city. But the simplest definition means many so-called Christians, and I don’t mean Catholics but Baptists and Presbyterians in particular, are basically pagan in that sense. Just like those same Christians using modern medicine or technology are witches! Ha gotcha now you are sinning according to our very own religion, that is if you follow the false interpretation of the words you use, especially if you read the very FALSE KJV version that was written specifically to control Christians in England so they would become Anglican soldiers to the crown. That’s another story for another day but tell a Baptist their version of the Bible was used by Satan to control people and keep them from experiencing true Biblical Christianity and they lose their minds, and tempers, so let’s move on.

There is another aspect to paganism. It can, and often does include a worship, reverence or respect of deities outside of the Christian God, we’ll call him Elohim for now. Elohim has a rule in his own law stating he wants no “other” Gods “before” him. This is easy to pick apart. As Elohim is quite legalistic you can skirt this by placing him first in your pantheon, he can’t get upset, you can also have “other” gods by revering them or honoring them without worshiping them. Now it says not to “have” other gods it doesn’t clarify what that means. You can also skirt this by following goddesses as the male pronoun is used and we all know Elohim is very male-centric, misogynist so we can use that to our advantage also.

But you don’t have to play with words. Pagans don’t have to worship their deities. Many in fact only work with them for spell work, others only celebrate their holidays, which the Bible even declares is acceptable and forbids others from Judging those who do! So yet again Christians have no basis for judging a pagan. It’s that simple!

The reality is many pagans only identify the deities that work well with their intensions. A farmer might call to a god or goddess known to care for crops to help them during a dry sell. They might do some lucky superstitious ritual to bring more rain even while proclaiming they don’t actually believe in it. They might also pray to Elohim and his son Joshua, or they might pick a Saint to request prayer from. At the end of the day Pagans, Wiccans and Witches are not devil worshipers following a false religion, they are just practicing often the same beliefs you have in a different way.

My sister lives in the country, performs rituals on her front porch every Sunday declaring it Sunday church and does in fact use herbs and home remedies in place of modern medicine. That makes her a pagan witch whether she will admit to it or not!

Everyone talks about how important healthcare is while screaming about how expensive it is also. It is quite prohibitively expensive at least here in the United States. We can blame capitalism or conservatives all day long, and they are largely to blame, the truth is we absolutely have to operate within this broken system as it current exists. This becomes a challenge for those of us who don’t have the financial resources to overcome those hurdles.

Yet during all this we often skim over the mental health portion of the discussion. While it can be difficult, and expensive even, to obtain proper healthcare, at least we can get access to some basic medical needs relatively free simply by visiting the emergency room of your nearest hospital. The uninsured know they can go into an ER, receive treatment regardless of ability to pay and then face the negative consequences of having a medical bill they can’t afford to pay. However you can’t go into the ER and tell the doctor your depressed then expect them to give you proper treatment. At least not without first attempting to take your own life, which depending on the jurisdiction you are in could land you in deeper turmoil.

The fact we have at the surface a solution to provide basic medical care even to the uninsured, albeit an imperfect one, that dismisses entirely the needs to treat patients with mental health issues is a glaring flaw in our already overly flawed system.

The one thing you will find a lot of on the internet is self care guides for those who are seeking relief for their ailments. Home remedies and folk medicine have become a necessity for many Americans for the very fact we just can’t afford proper healthcare. Now we all know diet and exercise are often repeated as the keys to a health life. Yet the access to legitimate scientific information regarding what that looks like is blocked behind the worst paywall Capitalism has concocted. The trouble with folk medicine is what works for one person might not work for someone with an entirely different set of circumstances. Our bodies are all unique. Some people food allergies while others have medical conditions that might be triggered by certain, even healthy foods. This is why we need access to doctors who know our bodies health effects who can guide us to determining what a healthy diet and healthy exercise looks like for us as individuals. But again access to that information is locked for those who have money.

Going back to mental health for a second. We don’t have good folk medicine when it comes to mental health. The most common touted solution is do what you need to do. Take care of yourself is a close second. we have platitudes. We have people tout the benefits of therapy without getting into the hurdles many of us face obtaining good therapy. This is especially true for trans individuals. When we find a therapist often times our gender dysphoria can take front and center while our other issues can be put on the back burner. This leaves us stuck treating one issue while ignoring the others. But again we can’t get access to good, quality mental healthcare without access to insurance, or the money required to obtain insurance. Again even though insurance is somewhat accessible all things considered, finding an accessible plan that covers mental health is not always as easy.

While many of us find some comfort in folk remedies for physical discomfort such as the tried and true put ice on it or walk it off, what do we do with folk remedies for mental health issues? One of my previous therapists once told me often times our vices and bad habits are our own coping mechanisms we develop to handle the stress of life.

Again the issue with this is every brain is different. Telling a teenage boy who has anxiety and depression issues to grab some porn and go to town on himself might be a healthy piece of advice, if that male is cisgendered and comfortable with his sexuality. That same advice could cause extreme discomfort, anxiety and dysphoria if “he” is really a she being forced to live a lie due to societal and family pressures. Thus something often touted as a folk remedy for stress and anxiety for some could be the cause of stress and anxiety for others. But without proper access to mental health professionals to help us sift through the weeds of our minds to determine which solutions will offer us help from the ones that will only make things worse, well frankly is even more dangerous than going untreated. Those who google symptoms might come across a diagnosis that sounds good, claim they have it and seek support from others with said condition unaware they might have something else entirely.

I was officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Social Anxiety, Severe depression and PTSD. Some of those issues are treated with medication. The medication wasn’t working for me because my healthcare provider didn’t have all the facts which leads me to the next issue, our transphobic healthcare system.

The fact I had to talk to a gender specialist to diagnose me with gender dysphoria is important. It tells me that it’s regarded as separate from my other issues. My most recent therapist said the GD wasn’t a cause of all my issues but without treating that attempts to treat other issues were futile.

However I have had plenty of doctors who saw I was female, assumed I was cisgendered and then proceeded to provide me healthcare advice based on that assumption. Once corrected that I am trans some doctors proclaim it doesn’t matter it’s all the same to oh that explains a lot then they alter their attempted treatment. I had this happen more than once. Again if you do some research or talk to cis women you quickly find out those prejudices about female bodies persists even within the medical community it reinforces the need to address those larger societal issues plaguing trans and cis women alike.

The problem with folk remedies lies in the treatment itself. It’s easy to self medicate your way into suicidal ideations. That’s why we need to do better. Not only do we need to work to make healthcare a universal basic human right available to all humans, but we need to ensure that mental health is included within those discussions. Otherwise you are treating the symptoms while ignoring the problem, which only makes things worse down the road. This is why I have diabetes. I turned to food for comfort. This was decidedly unhealthy but it’s reinforced by our culture as a folk remedy for inner pain.

Mental health is such a large part of who we are. If your mental well being is not being taken care of properly then depression can make everything else feel overwhelming. As someone who struggles with mental health and physical health issues I can attest that It’s easy to let yourself go and not take proper care of yourself once depression or anxiety kick in. You hear it from people all the time online, life gets to be too much so we withdraw to take care of ourselves. The sentiment from those who supports us is usually take care of yourself, but how can you do that when you don’t really know what that care should look like?

The first person I told I was trans asked me if I liked boys. I told them no, because I wasn’t gay. I said I liked girls. They were confused. So was I. After spending some time with this I discovered I was gay, or lesbian rather. Yes I had fantasies that involved exploring sex with males. But I more frequently had fantasies exploring sex as a woman. 

I have made several friends within the LGBTQ+ community since coming out. I have attended multiple Pride’s and a couple of Drag shows. I am well versed in queer culture at this point. While we, trans individuals, have been pushing back against the efforts of some forces trying to push us out of the “LGB” community, we have also in many cases taken things to our own extreme. For example let’s talk trans twitter. I haven’t heard an equivalent queer twitter or LGBT+ twitter.

For all our talk of insisting we belong in spaces that fit our gender identity, as in trans women belong safely in women’s spaces as well as trans men belonging safely in men’s spaces, we’ve also gone out of our way to insist upon forming, at least virtually speaking, a trans only space online. While I personally have contributed to this spreading and promoting of the hashtag #transcommunity, I have made a conscious effort to include my gay, lesbian, nonbinary and other folks as much as I can. I follow people who are pan sexual, a sexual, genderfluid, and everything inbetween. 

I noticed however a trend. While I personally do have quite a few cis gay men in my circle, as well as cis lesbians, I do feel we as a whole tend to shaft the gay men in our discussions, this often includes trans men as well. As a transwoman I know I have cultivated a network of other transwomen whom I know share similar experiences to myself. I have in the past shied away from being labeled gay because I don’t want t be mistaken for a gay man. I am not an effeminate homosexual male. I am a biromantic asexual queer female. But I am gay, in the strictest sense considering I am lesbian, sort of. That’s not the topic here. What I want to focus on is our connection with gay men in general.

I have been watching a lot of YouTube videos from other queer creators, almost exclusively these days. Part of this is I want to support my community as much as possible. There is also a part of me that wants to be more educated on other queer experiences, as well as our culture and history. Things I was sheltered from learning about growing up. 

What I have learned is while I do associate with gay men as part of the queer culture, I have identified with some of the videos I have seen from gay men, I have also taken a step back and withdrawn from gay culture quite a lot. I do this out of fear of the right branding me a gay man in a dress. Thus I have often taken steps to exclude cis and trans gay men from my own interactions. I know doing this is an issue a lot of us face. We are all screaming how the T is part of LGBT, we often forget about the L and the G. Yes I have seen a lot of trans women especially even refuse, whether it is intentional or otherwise, to engage with gay men in a lot of conversations. I follow a few gay-hosted podcasts. My favorite of which will always be Frigay the 13th. It was the first piece of queer media I actively sought out after coming out. I fell in love with it right from the start. While I appreciate he work they do I have often shied away from some of their topics internally because I feel it would betray my womanhood to agree with what they are saying at times. Although they are very supportive of the trans community in general, as I am supportive of the gay community, I have recognized our experiences are not directly analogous. We share a lot in common with coming out of the closet, facing trans and homophobia, etc., but I have noticed trans women tend to, myself included, distance ourselves from the cis and trans gay male community out of fear we’ll be labeled such. I know we need to do better. I know I need to do better. 

It was a few months ago I was talking to a gay man at work. A guy I formed a strong bond with right away as he became my staunchest ally and closest friend. During our short time together he quite often had to remind me although he was gay, our experiences were only surface similar, they were quite different. It took me a while to sort that out in my own mind. I know as a part of the queer community I am on the same rainbow he was, but I kept forgetting he was a cis male. This was tricky for me because he used female pronouns and dressed very effeminately as a lot of  gay men do. I also found myself struggling with the drag culture for similar reasons but that’s a topic for another day.

I don’t have a solution. I don’t know why I started this discussion today. All I know is I want to be more aware of my gay brothers including the trans men, but I am not sure what this looks like or how to achieve it without playing into the stereotype of myself being branded a gay man. It’s disheartening. I distance myself from gay culture for this very reason whereas I should embrace it.

I have been collecting Transformers toys basically since before I could talk. It goes without saying one of the first toys I received is also one I connected with the most. It was the 1987 refresh of the main character of the cartoon. I got a Goldbug as one of my first toys as a child. It was the reincarnated Bumble Bee.

Over the years my toy collection has taken many shapes. In it’s current form I have one hard rule I rarely bend. That is I try to pick ONE toy to represent a character and stick with that as my toy for that character. I do this to limit the amount of toys on my shelf. It does allow me to shop around to determine which version of Jazz or Wheeljack I consider the best. This isn’t to say I can’t or won’t buy a second version of a character if it’s different enough, I have two vastly different Megatrons and two different Optimus Primes as well as a couple very different Prowls and one Iron Hide as a van and one as a pickup truck.

There is one character I threw this rule entirely out the window. Of course it is the yellow bug we all fell in love with back in 1984 before rediscovering him again in 2007. Since the Bumble Bee movie is still my favorite in the live-action Transformers film franchise it is safe to say I have a soft spot in my heart for that yellow love bug.

Here is a deep dive into every single version of the character  own in toy form. I will be sharing pictures of toys from my own personal collection here. I am also sharing my personal memories with each iteration of the character. I intend to do similar toy profiles in the future now that my collection has settled down some.

Original 1984 More Than Meet the Eye (Generation One) Bumble Bee

This is the first toy to represent the character. This is the ONLY toy I kept from my past life from before I sold all my stuff and moved across the country one of those times I did that years past. This is the version that most kids in the 80’s had. As a child I never had this exact one. Instead I had the gold-painted reissue from the Generation 2 era, a toy that continues to elude me to this day. This is the same exact mold as that and the exact one I bought way back in 2002 when I first got back into collecting the first time around.

Transformers More Than Meets The Eye (Generation One) Goldbug

This was the toy from my childhood. I got this originally for the Christmas following my 5th birthday. It was a very special toy for me because Bumble Bee was my favorite character on the show. Now I didn’t know this toy was called Gold Bug, I just figured it was the same Bumble Bee I grew to love watching that cartoon I fell in love with. The toy from my childhood did not survive my childhood unfortunately. Sometime when I was 16 or so I smashed the remaining broken bits of all the left over Transformers toys I had from my youth and the broke pieces of plastic that came from my original Gold Bug were included in that ordeal.

Transformers MPM-7 Masterpiece Movie Bumble Bee

This is the prize of my collection. A very expensive, mostly metal and rubber tire rendition of the very beetle represented in the Bumble Bee live action film. This is the toy I cherish the most. It’s a rock solid build. Durable and heavy duty!

My memories with this are short since I only obtained it recently. I went to see the movie in theaters on Christmas the year it came out. I was so enamored it instantly became my favorite in the franchise. I also quickly went out hunting for the toy from the film. Once I saw how much it was selling for online I wrote it off as a down the road deal. Then one day I came across this beauty in a Target just sitting there all fairly reasonably priced. I say reasonably priced, I paid a whopping $80 for it mere months ago and it already sells for double to triple that on ebay now. Still I currently own a small piece of high quality memorabilia from a movie that warmed my heart at a time I really needed it.

Buzzworthy Bumblebee G1 Cybertronian

This is a fantastic surprise! I came across this one day also at a Target and instantly had to pick it up no questions asked. This is built using War for Cybertron style molding. It is part of the Target exclusive Buzzworthy Bumble Bee collection. This toy is super neat because it represent his cartoon accurate version. The transformation turns into the flying saucer we saw in his first appearance in More Than Meets the Eye Part 1. He also comes with some Energon Conductors just like in the show and the same blaster pistol he used in the scene. It’s a fabulous toy I will hold near and dear to my heart for years to come.

Studio Series retro Camaro

This was the first Studio Series toy I ever bought. I told myself I don’t really like the movie toys. I selected a handful of toys I’d own and this retro Camaro was among them. This represents how he looked when he first appeared to Sam Whitwicky in the film. This toy is cool because it takes me back to the thrill of 2007 seeing the Transformers finally brought to life in live-action from. That movie was also special because it was produced by non other than Stephen Spielberg! It retains a special place in my heart even if it hasn’t aged so well.

Studio Series modern Camaro

My Bumble Bee toy collection would be incomplete without his modern refresh the character took mid-film. This version is just a duplicate to me, it transforms nearly identically to the retro one so it’s more of a show piece than anything special to me.

Buzzworthy Bumble Bee Studio series 1986 Transformers the Movie

This is a pretty cool toy. This is based on his 1986 Transformers the Movie appearance. It comes with a transforming miniature Spike in his very own exosuit. This was another complete surprise I found at Target earlier this year. It quickly darted up to one of my personal favorite versions of the toy simply because it takes me back to the wonder of that original awe-inspiring animated classic film that changed my life forever.

That’s my current Bumble Bee toy collection. There are a few missing pieces I’d still like to obtain. I still want G2 recolor of the classic character. I am still looking for Beast Wars Waspinator, not a Bumble Bee per se but a rock solid throw back. I am also interested in getting an Armada Hot Shot which was originally intended to be Bumble Bee but was changed last minute for reasons I never understood. I don’t have any interest in Studio Series WWII Jeep Bumble Bee. I might pick up one or more of the in-betweens like Animated or Power of the Primes, etc., depending on what they do with him.

You’ll notice despite sort of breaking my rule each toy does offer something completely different from the rest. I know there are plenty of other characters I could have done this with, and there are others I own multiples of not going to lie. As of right now I am happy with the current form my Bumble Bee collection has taken.

“I’m just this crazy bitch who gets all wound up about shit.” -Daniela A. Wolfe

Every trans person has their own unique experience. I often try to capture those experiences as I interview various trans women through all walks of life. Back in August and September I conducted a string of interviews I am not getting around to publishing. This was a particular favorite of mine as I have a lot in common with this woman.

Below is a Q&A presentation of the entire interview. It is preserved in tact exactly as it took place. I chose to do this rarer form for this interview as the author is very eloquent in her writing I felt letting her words shine was the best choice for this. I do hope paints a picture of one of the fiercest transwomen I know.

Q&A follows:

Q.  First can you spell your name for me how you wish to be identified. This is not a newspaper I will ID you however you prefer.

A. It’s Daniela A. Wolfe. You can call me Daniela or Dani whichever you prefer. My pronouns are she/her.

Q.  I know we’ve talked about your writing before but can you share, in your own words, what got you into writing and how you developed your craft?

A. I always crafted stories and narratives in my head, even as a young child. I remember creating entire universes and magical kingdoms. I played out those fantasies on the playground. It seems only natural that as I got older that I should find another outlet.

So, I often cite Terry Brooks, the author best known for the Shannara novels, for my inspiration for becoming an author. In Junior High school, I saw a classmate reading one of his books and I went to the school library and while looking for the first book, Sword of Shannara, I discovered it was checked out, in retrospect it was probably from my classmate. So, I went to the next book Elfstones of Shannara, instead. From then on, I was hooked. Good thing the book was set several generations later or I’d have been lost!

By high school I’d developed enough interest that I took a creative writing class and the next year I was on the literary magazine. Practice has been really my number one way of building my craft. With any skill it’s all about putting the time in and learning from your mistakes. Having beta readers look over my work is beneficial too. You can be so dead set on a concept and become so enamored with it that you fail to poke holes in it. A good beta reader will help you find those holes.

“I didn’t decide I’m trans out of nowhere there were signs, hell there were times where I thought: “If only I could be a girl!” -Daniela A. Wolfe

Q. How has being transgender affected or informed your writing? Have you had any instances where you changed a story to insert more trans-ness or to make the story more accessible/relatable to transgender individuals?

A. I mean, I discovered I was trans partially through my writing (more about that below) um so I’d say most definitely. I do write transgender and queer narratives, but I’ve been doing it for years before my egg cracked. I can’t help but throw those themes in there. I do take a look at some of my earlier trans narratives and cringe, I definitely have come a long way and understand things a lot better. 

Q. How long have you been transitioning? What was the tipping point for you?

A. I started my medical transition in October of last year. The tipping point was this realization that if I didn’t transition, I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life. It came after years of back and forth, am I trans or am I not? Mostly, I decided the answer was not, and I explored this through gender identity in my writing. I wrote Facades in 2012 and really in retrospect, while there are some fictionalized elements to the character’s backstory, she is basically me.

Link to Facades:
https://danielawolfe.com/tg/story/facades-a-christmas-tale/

I didn’t decide I’m trans out of nowhere there were signs, hell there were times where I thought: “If only I could be a girl!” and these moments of intense jealousy of cis girls. In fifth or sixth grade there was some silly book about a boy swapping into his sister’s body and I checked it out from my school’s library and took it home. I never told my parents about it. I knew, even then, they wouldn’t understand.

My egg cracked after reading an article from a trans person who’s experiences were so close to my own that I realized that every excuse I was making was absolute bunk. That day, I shaved my beard and came out online. I would link to the article if I could, but I have not been able to find it.

Q. How have your friends, colleagues and extended family responded to your coming out?

A. My brother and sister-in-law have been supportive as have my friends. My mother’s side of the family is virtually non-existent. So, it’s mainly my father’s side that I have to worry about extended family. I have an aunt who thinks gay people are pedophiles. She won’t even speak to my gay cousin. Few of my relatives are what you would call allies, so I doubt very many of them will be supportive.

I did discover a relative, the adult child of a first-cousin who is trans and autistic like myself. We’re in contact and it’s nice having someone related to you who understands.

Work has been great! I’m federally employed and there are a lot of protections in place. Most people have been pretty accepting, though some have been pretty awkward especially in the beginning. I came out about two and half weeks ago and I keep randomly having to come out to people on other teams. It is so weird! Thursday, I came out to someone who moved to a different team while I was wearing a skirt!

Most of my friends have been pretty awesome, lots of support. I came out to most everyone through facebook, I’ve notice a few unfriended me and I actually had one who was repeating a lot of Gender Critical talking points. I actually came out to him via Messenger and confronted him about it. He was congratulatory, but refused to accept how problematic his view points were. So, that was pretty rough.

Q. How has your family responded? What has been the most difficult part of coming out to people?

A. Um, well it’s actually a lot better than I thought. My father apparently figured it out and well it was a whole thing. I actually thought my mother had outed me and my parents weren’t talking to me. Apparently their phones weren’t working. I’m very encouraged by what I’ve heard from my father. My mother and I have had some words over it, but we’re still talking. So it could be a lot worse.

My brother and sister-in-law have known longer than pretty much everyone and they’ve been on my side from the very beginning.

The most difficult part of coming out was the fear and anxiety of being rejected or outed. That fear dwindled significantly after I was out to my parents. Now I’m out to just about everyone except my dad’s relatives.

Q. Are you comfortable sharing any of your coming out story? If so please elaborate on any aspect you wish to highlight.

A. Haha, well I think I just shared that part of my coming out above at least as far as coming out to my parents. Coming out at work was so surreal and scary! I came out first to my manager in a meeting with the agency’s LGBTQ program manager and I came out to the rest of the team in our monthly meeting. I’m the lead, and my manager actually introduced me as Daniela and I said a little spiel. Most of my coworkers have been awesome and a few have been a little…awkward, but they’ve been slowly coming around. I will say that most of the fears I’ve had about coming out were very far off the mark and in reality people have been far more accepting than I thought they would be.

I would like to say to any newly-cracked eggs that transitioning is something you’re doing for yourself. You will face rejection, it may be from your parents or your friend, but someone will reject you and it will hurt like hell. Just know that if this happens to you there is a wonderful community of trans folk online or at your local support group that will be there for you.

Q. How has being visible on social media changed your life prior to before? What has been the worst part of being visible on social media? What has been the best part?

A. Well, I’ve never been this visible on social media. I have somewhere in the neighborhood of 6,000 followers on twitter. I don’t actually understand why, and so many people have tried to tell me, but I’m still oblivious. I’m just this crazy bitch who gets all wound up about shit.

The worst part has been getting attention from some really malicious people. Just existing is enough for them to target you and it’s a little scary. Hell, I’ve had a few tell me I deserve to die.

Despite that, it’s all worth it. The best part has been finding all my trans siblings all over the world and even a few nearby. I have found family. I always felt like an outsider even before accepting being trans. Now, I have community.

Q. Has transitioning had any impact, negative or positive, on your professional life? If so how?

A. Um, not so far it really doesn’t seem to have effected me. I am privileged being federally employed. There is a lot of push for inclusion at my workplace, especially with Biden’s executive order. I got in contact with someone who helps trans folk come out within the agency and they helped me along with the process. I’m actually more worried that my autism, would be more of a hindrance to advancement where I work, so I haven’t been real keen on advertising that particular aspect of myself at work.

“Just be yourself. Life is too short to be anything else. I understand that not everyone has that freedom, but just know that even if your only outlet is social media, you’re still valid.” – Daniela A. Wolfe

Q. What is your favorite part of being trans? How much of being trans do you claim as part of your identity?

A. Just being allowed to be myself and really breaking down all these barriers that I’d erected for myself over the course of these last 30+ years.

As far as it being a part of my identity, that I find difficult to quantify. I mean, it’s there and it influences me, but at the same time I’m a writer, I’m an artist, and a nerd. There is so much more to me than being trans. Yes, it’s important, but does it change who I am all that much? I’m still trying to figure that out. I know many other neurodiverse trans folk tie their autism to their gender, but even where that is concerned I have mixed feelings.

Q. Looking back on your life, in regards to being transgender, is there anything you would have done differently or you wish you could change?

A. Oh, that is a difficult one if I’m going to be honest. I mean, it’s one thing to look back and think: “If only I’d come to my senses when I was eighteen, I only had to shave every other week”, but it’s another to realize that the person I was then wasn’t emotionally prepared for the difficulties that come with being trans and potentially being rejected by your family and friends.

Not only that, I’ve talked to a few trans elders and there was a lot more gatekeeping for trans people when I was younger. It was mainly mental-health professionals who decided the criteria of what made someone trans and I think they would have questioned the fact that I didn’t always “know” I’m trans or that I’m attracted to women.

I do wish I would have come to my senses a lot sooner, but as they say hindsight is 20/20.

Q. Tell me about your other websites, your trans resources, and the network of trans individuals you have become intertwined with on social media. What prompted you to spend so much time, effort and energy standing up for trans people online?

A. Well, I run two websites, danielawolfe.com and lgbtqiaresources.com. The former was created as a place to share and promote my writing and the latter was created because it seemed like there weren’t many sites of that type. When I first started out, I had no idea what I was doing or who to turn to. I found them eventually, but imagine if I’d found a site like LGBTQIAResources right from the start and how helpful that would have been. I don’t want others to go through what I did. Queer folk should be able to find all the resources they need without looking high and low. That’s why I created lgbtqiaresources.com. I actually received a very lovely letter from the parent of an LGBTQIA+ individual who was making extensive use of the site. It was such a nice feeling.

As far as standing up for trans folk? Um, to be honest? I just did it. It wasn’t anything I put a lot of thought into, but I saw myself and others being cast in this unfavorable light and it pissed me the hell off. So I started speaking out.

Q. What books or stories have you published so far? What can you say about them and your writing process? Also which, of all your stories, would you say was your favorite to write?

A. I have a variety available on my website for free, but only one is available for sale. It’s called Battle for Earth, you can find it on amazon. I am going to work at getting Psyren’s Redemption and The Fall of Kruhl up for sale too, but they can still be found on my website for the time being.

Battle for Earth:

Psyren’s Redemption:

https://danielawolfe.com/tg/book/psyrens-redemption/

The Fall of Kruhl:

https://danielawolfe.com/tg/book/fall-of-kruhl/

Most of my stories revolve around exploring my gender to some extent or another. My writing is chaotic, compared to most. I am what a lot of people of people call a “pantser”, but I fucking hate that term. It sounds like I go around pulling down people’s pants.

George R.R. Martin calls people like me gardeners. We start out with a patch of soil and a few seeds and nurture the story and allow it to bloom. Basically, I sit down and write with a basic idea of the plot, what I want to accomplish and I just write.

Q. What motivates you as a writer? What inspires you?

A. What motives me? Um… well I have what I suppose I’d call a creative impulse. It’s what drove me to create narratives on the playground and it’s what drives me to create these stories because truth be told I do it for my own sanity. I’d drive myself up the wall, if I didn’t create something.

I’m inspired by the world around me, by other narratives and just random bullshit that pops into my head.

Q. Do you see yourself as a role model for young trans girls around the world? If so what piece of advice would you share with them?

A. I have mix feelings about being called that. I don’t understand why people see me that way, but I recognize that they do. So, I try to be the best version of myself so that I can be a positive influence.

What advice would I give a trans girl? Just be yourself. Life is too short to be anything else. I understand that not everyone has that freedom, but just know that even if your only outlet is social media or dressing as yourself alone in your bedroom, you’re still valid.

Q. What is your favorite part of being trans? What is your least favorite?

A. Well, just being allowed to be myself and to hell with what the world thinks!

I really hate that trans folk are the target of bigotry and that so many people think they need to dictate what we are or aren’t. I just wish people would let us be ourselves without all the drama and hatred.

Q. Do you have  any additional comments you wish to add?

A. Well, I’d just like to say thank you to all the people who have supported me online and offered me a virtual shoulder to cry on when the going got rough. I don’t know if they want to be singled out here, but they know who they are and I appreciate and love them for being there for me.

Finally, I recently started designing and selling t-shirts and other merchandise online. I’m hoping this can help fund some parts of my transition. To anyone who might be reading this, if you have some spare cash and would like to buy some neat trans or gay merch, please take a look.

Merch

Dreams are a fascinating subject because when you analyze them you start to dig into our very souls. Often times the stuff we dream about is pure nonsense, random images mixed with familiar sights and sounds our brains shuffle together as we sleep. The best dreams are lucid dreams where you are in control. The worst dreams are the stuff of nightmares, literally.

I am not going to write about my worst nightmares or my best dreams. Instead I want to focus on a recurring theme that constantly shows up in the vast majority of my dreams. Last night was a slightly different variation of the theme.

I have a fairly standard dream set to be honest. I usually have a few random images taken from familiar movies. Usually I dream myself into the role of one of the main characters then reenact the familiar scenes but with a twist. As the dream unfolds I tend to rewrite the film to suit my desires in that moment. These dreams usually bleed into the next phase of dreams. Of course these themselves only manifest if I am capable of getting past the foggy haze of the work dream. That’s one I constantly struggle to overcome.

The second phase of dreams usually follows some path where I, the viewer of the TV, end up disconnecting from the movie I had just been enacting. At this point I am no longer dreaming the movie as reality but have now reentered my in-dream reality. This is the ongoing dream that plays out each night. It works like an alternate reality to my real life.

This is the phase I want to focus on the most. It is usually in this set of dreams where I am back home with my parents. The placement of the house moves around as often as we did growing up but it’s usually a house we’ve lived in prior or similar enough it feels the same in my mind. In all instances of this alternate reality dream I am always me, Stephanie mid or post transition depending on how the dream goes. I am always living with my parents again fully out as a woman while they ignore that fact entirely, preferring to see me as the old me instead of facing reality.

The primary reason this particular sequence of dreams tends to cause me anxiety, and truthfully intense emotional distress, is because of the players. My sisters are always there. Usually they are in an earlier stage of their own lives. Becky, my youngest sister is always her 6-7 year old version from my childhood. Candy, the sister just about a year younger than I am shows up as her teenager self. Stacy, my oldest sister, usually manifests as some wanderer who floats into the dream for a few moments for a cameo then drifts back to wherever she had been hiding that whole time.

In all of these dreams I am always out and dressed as Stephanie, living as a woman. I have my long hair, makeup and feminine clothing. But the others in my dream always reference me as deadname. This bothers me tremendously. Obviously it causes distress for me as a trans person but this isn’t the reason why I dread this phase of dreaming so much.

It’s the existence of Becky and Candy. Rebecca has cut me out of her life beginning in 2012. We haven’t spoken ever since. I am constantly waking up in tears following a heartfelt dream adventure where her and I are living together having reunited, made up and found peace with each other. In the dream I usually go through my every day routine for a while, usually at some point her and I get in my car and drive to the mall. No matter which town from my past we’re currently living at the time in the dream we always drive to the same mall, the Magic Valley Mall in Twin Falls, Idaho. It is never the mall of my youth but in my dreams it always reminds me of it.

This is where phase three often begins. My sisters and I used to play a fantasy game as kids that took us on other world adventures. Once we’ve left the mall in the dream, having completed our shopping for the day, we go off on a science fiction action adventure style quest. This is where the majority of the spice in my dreams comes from. Unlike the middle phase which is nearly predictable, or the first phase which only includes a revolving series of familiar movies from a small selection, the third phase is ever changing and never makes sense.

Last night I dreamt Rebecca and I were travelling back in time to stop some bad thing from happening in the past that led to a current atrocity. As the dream morphed from the familiar family phase to the wild and crazy quest phase the reality around us began to bend. Naturally I tried to pull things from my familiar life to ground the dream. This is where lucid dreaming comes in. I often try to take control of the narrative once I realize it is a dream. Despite this phase always following the familiar phase which does cause me anxiety and depression because I long to mend things with my baby sister. The adventure phase often takes me longer to adapt to. It usually ends with my sister and I facing death, hugging each other tightly in an emotional end-of-life embrace as I wake up and rejoin the reality I face daily.

The distress this line of dreaming causes me is three fold. First, as mentioned there is the part where everyone deadnames me despite always dreaming myself up as myself. The second form of distress comes from the jolting transitions these dreams take as I am yanked from phase to phase. This itself can be jarring and emotionally draining. Then there is the reuniting with Rebecca to go on some sci-fi or fantasy-themed adventure. This causes me turmoil because I miss my sister tremendously. Apparently enough to dream her into my life regularly. When I waken from a dream she was a player or one of the central roles I am often in tears or on the verge of tears.

Fortunately dreams are unpredictable and even lucid dreams are only marginally under my control. These three phases do not manifest explicitly every single night, there are other variations that alter slightly but this phase is the most common. When I have this sequence of dreams I usually wake up with a desire to crawl back into bed and cry until the day ends. Instead I shake it off and go to work most days. That is what I am doing here, wrapping this up so I can get ready for work.

Dreams are supposed to be where we get the most rest. For me they have always been the busiest part of my sleep sessions. Usually once I am dreaming is when I am the most active. Since my dreams are always intense, usually very active and often emotionally draining even following a full nights rest I’m drained still. Last night I hardly got what I would describe as a full night of rest. I hardly achieved the sequential stages of dreaming until after 4 a.m. I know this because every time I wake I check the clock. The rest of the night I was stuck in the ugly loop of work fog which is where I am falling asleep but stuck in a single moment from my current job stuck unable to complete the task constantly starting over and looping this moment over and over until I get past it. Those dreams are the worst.

Whether good or bad, dreams are a common part of our sleep habits. I don’t always enjoy the stuff my brain shows me while I am attempting to rest and heal each night. Sometimes I find myself facing demons I’d much rather avoid. In the end I doubt we have as much control or influence over our dreams as we like to think. Either way today is going to be a long day as I once again ponder whether or not I should try once again to unsuccessfully reach out to my estranged sister or if I should just bury her in the past where she belongs? Either way I ran out of time, the clock now says hit the road so I digress.